


we live until we die

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [73]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt Steve Rogers, I fix what I break (mostly), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Infinity Gauntlet, LIKE HOO BOY, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, POV Steve Rogers, Torture, You might cry, i promise it's gonna be fine, started at the bottom now we're here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 17:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 57,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22499452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: The reckoning has been a long time coming, and now it's here: Thanos is making his move.A spaceship lands in New York, the gang's getting back together, and it all comes down to this.
Relationships: Loki/Steve Rogers, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Remember This Cold [73]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/28656
Comments: 263
Kudos: 492





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And here we are.
> 
> I've been writing this fic for almost a year (began on February 22, 2019); portions of it have been written since 2015. (There are some scenes in this fic that have been basically unchanged since then. There aren't a lot of things in this verse I've had planned that far back, but there were a couple in here.) This might be...actually one of the hardest things I've ever written, in terms of logistics and plot. There was just a lot I needed to juggle, a lot of factors in play, and a lot of plot issues to handle (and I kept thinking of more as I wrote). I hope I've covered all my bases. (At least, all the bases that could be reasonably covered under a limited POV without making this whole thing _extremely_ unwieldy.)
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who has helped get me to this point - the friends who have been here since the beginning, everyone who has shown up along the way, the people who have commented and kudosed and reblogged and recommended and asked me questions. I appreciate every single one of you. I may be bad at responding to comments, but I sure go back and reread them a lot. Thanks specifically to [Echo](http://loxxxlay.tumblr.com), who when I was having a spasm of uncertainty looked over a section of this for me and both reassured me and gave me some suggestions. To [Lena](http://portraitoftheoddity.tumblr.com), for spending a good twenty minutes helping me brainstorm a very simple phrase for one sentence in this fic. 
> 
> And finally, and always, to [Amelia](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), who has been the Steve to my Loki from day one, and edited basically every single word of this verse for the last almost eight years, while listening to my fretting, helping me brainstorm, and reminding me now and then to take a break. Any remaining faults are mine, not hers.
> 
> This fic is completed. I will be posting a chapter every Saturday for the next eight weeks. The title here comes from [Raging Fire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXRODrspQpc) by Phillip Phillips, and is worth a listen for a little bit of mood-setting. 
> 
> That's all. See you on the other side.

The beginning of the end came on a warm spring day. 

Loki had taken them to a swimming hole at the base of a waterfall, hopelessly picturesque, and scarcely had Steve set down the bag holding their lunch before Loki had his clothes off and was diving in. 

Steve shook his head, smile tugging at his lips, and sat down, tugging off his boots. “How did you find this place?” he called when Loki surfaced.

“I asked,” Loki said. “I mentioned wanting somewhere to go and swim where there would be privacy.” 

Steve paused. “Asked who?”

Loki glanced at him. “The princess,” he said after a moment. “We are...speaking again.” 

Steve smiled at him. “I’m glad,” he said sincerely. Loki wrinkled his nose a bit and dove back underwater. 

Steve followed him in, though he didn’t take off quite as many of his clothes. The water was cold but not cold enough to set Steve’s nerves crawling, just a pleasant contrast to the warmth of the air outside. And Loki was clearly enjoying himself, more often underwater than above it, swimming beneath the waterfall and reappearing. It was fun just to watch him - or at least it was until Loki tackled Steve and dunked him underwater, slithering free of Steve’s attempt to retaliate, laughing.

“It’s nice to get some time alone,” Steve said, when they both dragged themselves out of the water to dry off. “I love our friends, but...I miss having our own place.” 

Loki’s expression tightened briefly, then relaxed. “I know,” he said. “Welcoming as King T’Challa has been...this will never be home.” 

Steve felt a pang. Somehow, he thought, they needed to find a way to fix this situation. Not just with the Accords, not just with the fact that they were all fugitives, but with Loki. Somehow.

But he didn’t have the first idea of where to start. Which meant that for the foreseeable future...even if it wasn’t here, they’d have to live in hiding. Hunted. 

“I’m sorry,” he said abruptly. Loki glanced at him, eyebrows furrowing. 

“What for?” 

Steve didn’t know, exactly. None of this was _really_ his fault, and he knew that, just…

Loki gave him a lopsided smile. “Don’t apologize for things that you could not have stopped. And besides…” He paused, and then said, “where you are is more home than any other _place_ has been.”

Steve’s face and chest both warmed. “Sweet-talker,” he mumbled. 

“But not insincere.” Loki rolled onto his side and looked at Steve, his expression suddenly serious. “I do mean it. All of this...it has been worth it. It would have been worth it for a year. Less. That I have had this much time...it is a gift that I never expected to receive.”

Steve’s blood chilled and he turned to look at Loki. “What brought that on?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound nervous. Loki gave him a small smile.

“Nothing,” he said. “I just thought it might bear saying.”

“You made it sound pretty foreboding,” Steve said. 

“I didn’t mean it to,” Loki said, and he sounded like he meant it, but Steve wondered at the back of his mind if there wasn’t some part of Loki that even here and now was expecting the worst and trying to prepare for it. 

He pushed that thought aside and moved closer to Loki, leaning into give him a warm, slow kiss.

“Wanna go back in?” He asked when he drew back. “This was a great idea.”

“You needn’t sound so surprised,” Loki said, though Steve was pretty sure his affront was exaggerated. 

“Not _surprised,_ ” Steve said. “Just glad you suggested it. And-”

Even over his own voice, Steve heard the soft chime of his kimoyo beads under the pile of his discarded clothes. Both he and Loki turned in its direction.

“Don’t answer it,” Loki said. Steve glanced at him.

“I shouldn’t just _ignore_ it.”

“You can,” Loki said. “Whatever it is can wait.”

Something had shifted in his voice, Steve realized; there was a sudden tension there, and for all the lightness of his words Loki’s body was tense too. Steve hesitated. “What is it?” he asked. Loki shook his head. 

“Nothing,” he said. “I just do not wish to be interrupted.” Steve just looked at him, and Loki sat up. “It is nothing. A...feeling. No more. Only we came here to be alone, and to have that intruded upon…”

The chime came again. Steve bit the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I have to check. I’ll tell whoever it is I’m busy, and we can dive back into the water and stay here until sunset.”

Loki turned his head away and said quietly, “I have a feeling it’s too late for that.”

Steve tried not to let Loki’s clear anxiety infect him. He tugged on a shirt, dug out the beads, and answered. It was Sam, and he didn’t look happy. Steve’s stomach plunged. 

“You need to get back here,” Sam said. Steve glanced at Loki, who was facing away, fully dressed again. 

“What’s happening,” he asked. “Is it…?”

“It’ll be easier to show you,” Sam interrupted. “I’m guessing Loki’s with you?” 

“He is, yeah.” 

“Good. Tell him to take a shortcut back. I have a nasty feeling we’re about to start seeing some shit hitting the fan.” 

“Got it,” Steve said. His stomach was churning, and he turned toward Loki. “Did you hear all that?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. His voice was nearly toneless. “I did. It is...I can say it is unlikely that it is...him.”

“Why do you say that?” Steve asked.

Loki shuddered. “Because I think I would feel it,” he said, and then, his voice dropping, “and because I do not want to believe it. I want to believe there is still...time.” 

Steve swallowed hard. “Let’s go,” he said. “Who knows, maybe it’s some other disaster.”

Loki stuttered a humorless laugh. “I hope so,” he said, and swept them away.

* * *

They found the others gathered together - all of them in one room. Loki was vibrating next to Steve like a plucked string, and he spoke before Steve did: “what is this about?”

“It’s about a spaceship that landed in upstate New York,” Clint said. Steve heard Loki’s breath catch before it was violently controlled. 

“And?” he said, with audible strain.

“And that’s it,” Sam said. “That’s all the news knows.” 

“The news,” Steve said slowly. “Someone else knows more?” 

Sam looked at T’Challa. “We received a transmission on an unusual frequency thirty minutes ago,” he said. “It seemed to be gibberish, but given some oddities...under two layers of encryption we found a clearer message.”

Steve glanced around at the crowd of grim faces. A muscle in Bucky’s jaw was twitching, and Natasha looked like she was barely holding still. Thor had drawn closer to Loki. 

“What message,” Steve said. 

T’Challa set down a small device on the table and tapped it with a finger. 

“I really hope you get this,” said Tony’s voice. “And _don’t hang up on me._ Bruce is back. He brought a new friend with him. She says some place called ‘Xandar’ was attacked. Practically annihilated.” He paused. “ _Fuck._ I think it’s starting.” 

Another pause.

“I think it’s time to get the band back together.”

The message ended. Steve realized he was holding his breath and let it out slowly. 

“Xandar is the home planet of the Nova Corps,” Thor said. 

“What’s that,” Bucky said.

“They fancy themselves an interplanetary peacekeeping force,” Thor said. 

“More to the point,” Loki said, his voice faint, “they were in possession of the Power Stone. Though I doubt...they are anymore.” 

“That’s a leap,” Clint said after a moment. “Isn’t it? This could be someone else.”

“You don’t believe that.” 

“Hang on,” Scott said. “Can we...time out a minute and someone catch me up on what’s going on?” 

“I think I would also appreciate some clarification,” T’Challa said. Steve glanced around the room. There were a number of people who hadn’t been there when Thor had first explained…all of this.

“Yes,” Loki said, his voice raw. “I think that would be...wise. It should have been done before now.” Steve turned toward him, and Thor was looking at him with transparent concern. 

“No time like the present,” Clint said. “And then we should probably talk about what we’re going to do about Tony. ‘Time to get the band back together.’ Like he wasn’t a big part of why it broke up in the first place.” His voice was bitter. Steve glanced at Loki, but his expression was blank. Too blank. 

“We’re going to need everyone on deck,” Steve said. “Regardless of personal feelings.” 

“Easy for you to say,” he thought he heard Bucky murmur, but he decided to ignore it, keeping his attention on Loki. 

He didn’t look good. And Steve _somehow_ doubted the coming conversation was going to be easy for him.

He was right. They should have done this before now, but Steve had been putting it off. He couldn’t do that anymore. 

“So Bruce is back,” Natasha said quietly. “Who do you think the ‘new friend’ is?” 

Steve shook his head. “I’m just glad Bruce is okay,” he said. “The friend...I guess we’ll find out soon.”

* * *

Loki didn’t sit down. 

Most of the others did, claiming one chair or another in the large room where T’Challa had brought them, but Loki stayed standing, pacing restlessly, over to the windows, back, radiating tension in every line of his body. Steve watched him with concern, but held back from saying anything. Thor sat down next to him, gazing in the same direction.

It occurred to Steve that Loki had never talked about this before. Not really, not in one go, and not in front of an audience. He tried to catch his eye, to offer some kind of reassurance, but Loki wasn’t looking at him. 

“So,” T’Challa began, but Loki cut him off.

“Most of you have heard the name Thanos by now.” 

Steve wondered if he was the only one who caught the slight hitch when Loki spoke his name. Wanda, he noticed, was also watching closely, clear concern in her eyes.

“You may or may not know,” Loki went on, “that he is the last surviving member of a people only known by the name of their planet: Titan. He is - ancient, old enough that the records of his existence on Asgard are relegated to the stuff of legend. He may be immortal. Or he may simply be very long-lived. I do not know, and I do not think anyone else does either. But that is - not relevant.” Loki’s fingers curled and uncurled at his side. “What is: his bloodlust. His devotion to Death, and desire to gain her attention, by means of reaping souls for her benefit.” 

“Her,” Clint interrupted. “Her attention, her benefit. You say that like there’s - some literal embodiment of ‘death’ out there that can be impressed.”

Loki twitched one shoulder. “He certainly believes that there is. I cannot in any certainty contradict him.” 

“He sounds insane,” Sam said. 

“Maybe he is,” Loki said. “That is one of his names. The Mad Titan. He is certainly - ruthless. His mission, his - _quest,_ is the only thing he truly cares for. And power.” Loki resumed his pacing and said, quieter, “I am going about this all wrong.” 

“Loki,” Steve said carefully, but Loki ignored him. 

“When I - fell into the Void,” Loki said, and Bucky interrupted, “the Void?” 

“The space between Yggdrasil’s branches,” Thor said. Bucky gave him a blank look.

“Don’t worry about it,” Clint said. “We’ll explain to you in small words later.” 

Bucky looked like he was going to snap something, but Loki had already moved on. 

“Thanos found me,” Loki said. “At that time - at that time, he knew already that the Tesseract had been found. The Tesseract: one of the of the six Infinity Stones, objects of great power that, united, allow the wearer to manipulate the cosmos itself.” Loki’s hands fidgeted with each other until he visibly forced them down to his sides; Steve saw Clint watching them, an odd expression on his face. “He...realized that I was of Asgard. That I knew of the Tesseract, and of Earth, and had the means to reach through and use it.” 

_Realized._ There was a lot, Steve thought, in that one word. 

Loki was quiet for a few moments, then said, “I offered to do so, and to retrieve the Tesseract for him, in exchange for the Earth to rule.” 

“Offered,” T’Challa said. Loki’s expression twitched minutely.

“Yes.” 

Thor stiffened. “You had no choice,” he said vehemently. “He would have killed you, had you refused to bring it to him.” 

Loki didn’t look at him. “That is still a choice. And I could have left Midgard alone.”

Natasha leaned back. “And what would have happened to Earth?” she asked. Her voice was casual, but Steve looked at her in surprise and her gaze was intent. “Say you’d just shown up, grabbed the Tesseract and bounced. What then?” 

Loki gave her a hard, searching look. “We’ll never know, will we,” he said at length. 

“That’s not all,” Steve said. “There was a - a link between you and them. Right? Mentally. So they could - stay in touch. Monitor what you were doing.” 

Loki’s glance in his direction was strangely hunted. “What is your point?” he said. “It doesn’t matter. The relevant point is that you won. Thanos lost the Tesseract, and the scepter with the Mind Stone. And gained an interest in Midgard. After all, a people that could win such an unexpected victory...the stronger the challenger, the more powerful the offering to his Lady.” 

“Shit,” someone muttered. Steve wasn’t sure who. 

“Since then,” Loki said, “the wheels have been moving. The Infinity Stones awakening. Reality - the Aether...I looked for it in Odin’s Vault, and it wasn’t there, but I assume that you know where it is?” That to Thor, who still looked unhappy, but sat up a little. 

“Yes,” he said. “It’s-”

“No,” Loki said, his voice suddenly harsh. “Keep it to yourself. At least for now.” Steve frowned, something else occurring to him, tickling at the back of his mind. Something that he should have realized might come up. 

Dread settled in his stomach.

“Time - I suspect, but am not certain, that it is somewhere on this planet. Soul is the only one of which I have heard no word, no whisper. And Power...was on Xandar.”

“Xandar,” T’Challa said. “The place that Tony said was destroyed.” 

“Yes. I very much doubt it was coincidence.”

“For the sake of argument,” Natasha said, “couldn’t it have been someone else?” 

“The Nova Corps possess not inconsiderable strength,” Loki said. “There are not many forces of which I am aware that would pose them a significant threat.”

“Okay,” Bucky said, into the quiet that followed. “So you’ve said what he wants, and who he is. What else? Does he have another army other than the Chitauri one that got nuked? What kind of other resources, or abilities?”

“He is strong,” Loki said. His voice had tightened a notch. “Perhaps a match for the Hulk, even without the benefit of the additional power an Infinity Stone would give him. Cunning, even in his madness. He is...resistant to magical manipulation.” His eyes flicked toward Wanda at that, though Steve didn’t think he imagined Loki’s own flinch. Steve wondered unhappily what experience Loki had with that resistance, if he’d tried. He must have tried. “He also has - some ability to meddle with minds. One of his - _children_ is more talented at it-”

“His _children?_ ” Wanda interrupted, sounding horrified. Loki glanced at her. 

“Yes,” he said. “Of sorts. More on them in a moment. I should-” He broke off, and took a deep breath. “In the interest of candor-”

 _No,_ Steve thought, but he couldn’t stop it, and even if he could he _shouldn’t,_ and he knew it. 

“In the interest of candor,” Loki repeated, his eyes skating over everyone and stopping nowhere, “I should say that - there was an incident. Some time ago, in which Thanos was able to…” Loki trailed off, swallowing hard. “Was able to take over my mind and control me.”

Steve had known it couldn’t be a secret forever. That it shouldn’t have been one for this long. Hearing Loki say it still made him want to wince, and he braced himself for the worst. Like Loki must be bracing himself, because he had to know how it sounded. And how people might react. 

“He _what?_ ”

Wanda was the first one to speak. She, at least, didn’t sound angry - sounded horrified. Loki glanced at her, quick and then away. 

“Once a mage has...forged a connection between themselves and another’s mind,” Loki said, and his voice sounded distant and strange, “it is...easier to reestablish that connection.” Steve saw Clint twitch, his stony, tight expression spasming as some of the color left his face. “I did not think there was any lingering...I believed it was impossible for him to do so. That was my error.” 

“Vision cut you off,” Steve said, before anyone else could speak up. “He can’t do it again.” 

“You knew about this?” Natasha said, her voice sharp enough to cut. 

“I knew,” Steve said. 

“For how long,” Clint said. 

“I knew, too,” Sam said. “And Bucky, and - Thor?” Thor’s eyes were still on Loki, face tight and worried. “And Vision. Obviously.”

“I am guessing he will have informed Stark by now,” Loki said. 

“He did,” Steve said. Leaving it at that. 

“What does Vision have to do with,” Wanda started, and then cut off, paling a little. 

“Thanos wants the Mind Stone,” Loki said, voice dull. “As for what Steve says...he claims as much, yes. And it is true that there has been...no further incident. But there is no certainty.” His jaw tightened and then relaxed. “Ms. Maximoff knows how...is able to bypass my defenses and...manage the situation, should it become a problem.”

“No,” Wanda said. “I don’t.”

“Witchling…”

“I _don’t,_ ” she said. “I told you. I am not going to kill you. You said you would find another way.” 

Loki made a frustrated noise. “We can argue about this later,” he said. “The point is - the point is I felt it necessary that you all be aware. And do with that knowledge - what you must.” 

“Steve,” Natasha said, “you kept this to yourself?” 

Not just angry, Steve thought. Betrayed. And she wasn’t the only one. He could see it on Clint’s face, and T’Challa’s was impossible to read. Scott just looked overwhelmed. Val’s gaze, like Thor’s, was on Loki. 

There were excuses he could make. About how some people did know. About how he’d thought Vision had taken care of it and bringing it up would just cause more problems. But that was a coward’s move. 

“I know,” he said. “And I’m...sorry. I shouldn’t have. It was selfish.” After a moment he met her eyes and said, “I was afraid what you would do.” 

He was afraid what they would do _now._

“So what the fuck are we supposed to do with that,” Clint said, after a long and nerve-wracking silence. It seemed to be addressed to Loki, who was strung so tight it looked like he might snap. 

“As I said: I thought I would leave that to you,” Loki said. There was no hint of feeling in his voice. Thor stood, abruptly.

“It’s not his fault,” he said loudly. “Loki will not say it, so I will: Thanos forced his way into my brother’s mind when he was his captor. He did not choose to be used this way to begin with.”

“My choice or not,” Loki said, “the fact remains that it is a potential vulnerability that could be exploited to the danger of all of you.” 

“And?” Clint said, strangely aggressive. “What do you expect us to do about it? Just so we’re clear. Are we talking sticking you in a cell? Knocking you out until this asshole is dealt with? Something more drastic?” 

Steve stopped breathing, unable to believe what he was hearing. Wanda was staring at Clint in horror, and Thor’s sound of alarmed protest was drowned out by Bucky’s growl as he lurched to his feet. “ _Watch_ it, Barton,” he said, looking like he was about to lunge at him, but Clint twisted around toward him and said, “ _you_ watch it.”

Loki rocked back on his heels, his nostrils flaring. “Any of the above seem like options that should be considered,” he said, perfectly level, and Steve sucked in a breath, a denial on the tip of his tongue. Clint got there first.

“Okay,” Clint said. “Let’s consider it. Anyone else on board?”

“Clint,” Steve said tightly. 

“I mean it,” Clint said. “Honestly asking. Anyone _other_ than Loki think that’s a good idea?” There was a moment of silence during which Loki looked like he wanted to object, but Clint wasn’t done. “Yeah, you should’ve said, or Steve should’ve said, or something. But I don’t see as it’s a great idea to bench one of our strongest assets based on a hypothetical. You never did that to-” He cut off, and one of his shoulders went up and then down. “We can wrangle about it all day if you want, but far as I can tell that’s what it comes down to.”

Bucky had sunk back down into his chair. His eyes were narrowed in Clint’s direction, but now he looked more thoughtful than like he was going to throttle him. Loki, meanwhile, was staring at Clint like he’d started thrashing around on the ground speaking in tongues.

Wanda shifted slightly, and said, “that makes sense to me,” sounding oddly proud. 

Loki, on the other hand, was shifting from stunned to somehow cornered. Steve spoke up quickly before he could say anything further. “Does anyone disagree?” 

Pietro looked like he might want to - but maybe that was just his face. T’Challa’s eyebrows were furrowed, but whatever he was thinking he kept to himself. Steve glanced at Natasha, but she was looking at Clint like she was assessing him afresh. No one else spoke. 

Loki let out a quiet hiss. “None of you are in the least concerned about the distinct possibility-”

“Loki,” Steve interrupted. Loki’s mouth snapped shut but he looked like he’d bitten into something sour. Steve wished he was surprised that Loki was attempting to argue this. 

“Fine, then,” Loki said after a moment. “That is, I think, the most relevant knowledge I possess. Do you all feel adequately caught up on where things stand?” 

“What’s the rest,” Natasha said. Loki glanced at her, and she said, “you said ‘the most relevant knowledge.’ What are you considering irrelevant? Just wondering. Our judgment on that might differ.” 

A muscle by Loki’s eye twitched. “Would you consider full knowledge of my - personal conversations with the Titan relevant? I have given you the information I sifted from those encounters. The remainder is mine.”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed. There it was again, Steve thought. _Personal conversations._ So many ways Loki had of avoiding saying _I was tortured._ He knew why he wouldn’t say it, but he wished, just a little, that he would; then maybe Steve would feel less like Loki was avoiding it because he didn’t believe it mattered. 

“I think I’ve heard enough,” T’Challa said. “The more important question now is, I think, what we do next.” 

Natasha was looking at him again. Waiting, Steve thought. He exhaled slowly, because he knew what the right thing was, knew what he needed to say, and didn’t want to. But he knew all the arguments, and if this was it - then ultimately there was only one choice. 

“We need to find out what Bruce and this ‘new friend’ know,” Steve said heavily. “I’ll call Tony and set up a meeting. No one needs to come who doesn’t want to.” He glanced at Bucky, and then at Loki, who wasn’t looking at him or anyone else. Clint didn’t look happy either, but he didn’t object aloud. 

“I don’t see why we need Stark,” Bucky said. “Just have Loki do his magic thing, grab Bruce and the new girl and bring them back here.” 

“There is the Mind Stone to consider,” Loki said dully. 

“Take him too,” Bucky said.

“We can’t afford to have our forces divided,” Natasha said. “Not now.” 

“Easy for you to say,” Bucky said. “You’re not the one he was trying to get locked up. Or killed.” The hostility in his voice was unmistakable, and Clint stiffened. 

“Back off, Barnes,” Clint said. “Nat put herself at risk for the rest of us. And she’s right.”

Bucky opened his mouth, but Loki cut in. “James,” he said quietly. “Don’t. We can’t waste time. I have no idea how long we have, but I doubt it is very long.”

“Hang on a minute,” Valkyrie said, speaking up for the first time. “Who’s this Tony Stark, and why are you all pissed at him?”

“Need I remain for this part of the conversation?” Loki asked. His voice was tight, just shy of curt. “Or may I be excused, if our next step has been decided?” 

Steve wanted him to stay. He should stay, as part of the team; more than that, he didn’t love the idea of Loki being on his own when he was so clearly on edge. But he also looked like he was about to crawl out of his skin, and being here wasn’t going to help him calm down. He’d told them what he knew about Thanos. 

“All right,” he said, “if no one else has any more questions?”

“I’m coming with,” Bucky said.

“No,” Loki said harshly. “You should stay. And I would like to be alone.”

“Loki,” Thor began, but Loki threw him a cutting glance and he subsided. He and Bucky glared at each other, but finally Bucky sat back, mouth twisting. 

“I trust you will inform me of the plan,” Loki said to Steve, and then swept out in four quick strides. Steve stared after him, worry nibbling on his stomach. 

“All right,” Valkyrie said. “So, with that dramatic exit...someone want to share what that guy on the recording has to do with all this?” 

Steve tried to suppress his concern. Loki wouldn’t do anything stupid. “It’s a long story,” Natasha said. “And...complicated.” 

“Give me the dumbed down version,” Valkyrie said. “Just so I’m clear on the snake pit it feels like I’m walking into.”

Steve took a deep breath and let it out. “All right,” he said. “It probably makes most sense to start with Ultron.”

* * *

The second the meeting broke up, Steve was off, making a beeline for his and Loki’s rooms. He felt Thor’s eyes following him, and Bucky looked like he wanted to say something, but Sam grabbed his arm and he didn’t. 

He didn’t realize until he opened the door and saw Loki sprawled in one of the chairs that he’d been afraid Loki would be gone. Either to run, or risking his life in some stupid, self-sacrificial move. 

He didn’t look up when Steve walked in and shut the door. He stood still, looking at Loki’s slumped shoulders, his downcast eyes, utterly drained. 

“You okay?” he asked, and then wanted to wince.

“I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” Steve said. “Stupid question.” He walked over slowly, only to stop when he saw the bandage wrapped around Loki’s left hand. “What is that?”

Loki’s eyes closed. “A mistake.” 

Steve took a deep breath and let it out so he didn’t say anything harsh, then closed the rest of the distance and knelt down, taking his hand and unwrapping the bandage. There was blood on the gauze, and a just barely closed, livid red cut across his palm. It must have been deep, if it hadn’t fully healed yet. Or maybe it hadn’t just been one time, but opening the same wound again and again as it closed. 

Steve swallowed hard and dropped his head forward. “Loki,” he said, carefully quiet, “I told you that if...if you felt like hurting yourself, you should come to me.”

“You were busy,” Loki said, and before Steve could react to that added, “and besides, it was not...a considered decision. It seldom is.” He sounded as exhausted as he looked, like he’d dragged himself out of a brawl and only just barely managed that. 

Steve kept his hold on Loki’s hand, closing his eyes for a moment before looking back up into Loki’s face. 

“I am sorry,” Loki said. 

“You don’t have to apologize,” Steve said. He paused, looking for the right words. “You did well in there,” he said, and immediately wanted to wince at how it sounded. The look Loki gave him, though, was just surprised. 

“Did I?”

“You did,” Steve said. “And I know...I know it wasn’t easy.” 

That brought the stiffness back into his shoulders. “It was only words,” he said, very nearly defensive. 

“You didn’t want to say them.” 

“I should have already.” His mouth twisted. “I put it off, and now-” He took a sharp breath in and then said, quieter, “I am afraid it is too late.”

“It’s not,” Steve said firmly. “Thanos isn’t here yet, is he? We don’t even know for sure that he does have the Power Stone-”

“Steve,” Loki said, pained, but he powered forward. 

“And besides - this is advance warning. It gives us time to make a plan, to figure out what to do next.”

Loki squeezed his eyes closed. “Is it enough?”

Steve took Loki’s other hand and squeezed it. “Have a little faith in us,” he said. “Hell, have a little faith in _yourself._ Thanos might be nasty and powerful. But we’re not helpless either. Even just you, Wanda, and Thor...that’s a pretty hard team to beat.” He met Loki’s eyes levelly. “Last time you faced Thanos, you were on your own. This time - you’ve got a team now. Friends.”

Loki took a deep breath, and finally jerked his head in a tiny nod. “It seems I do,” he said. “And I admit I am...surprised that they did not elect to bury me in a cage.”

“Clint is right,” Steve said. “You’re one of our strongest people. For that reason alone...and they trust you. No one wants to throw you in a cell.”

Loki’s lips twisted. “Romanov does.”

“She doesn’t,” Steve objected, and when Loki cast him a sidelong glance with one skeptically raised eyebrow added, “or if she does - she’s not going to advocate for it. And I wouldn’t agree.” 

Loki pressed his lips together. “You know it might be wise.” 

“I don’t know that, actually,” Steve said. “I think you’re - as usual - giving yourself too little credit.”

Again that sidelong, skeptical glance, but then he folded forward so his forehead was resting against Steve’s shoulder. “I’m exhausted,” he said, his voice suddenly blurred. “Just from _that._ ” He snorted. “Some use I am going to be, when even memories are enough to reduce me thus.”

Steve opened his mouth to argue and decided against it, exhaustion settling on his own shoulders. He let go of Loki’s hands and moved to rub his back instead, and was gratified to feel him relax. 

“So,” Loki said after a long pause. “Stark.”

“I’m calling in an hour,” Steve said. “To set up a meeting.” He took a slow breath. “I know the idea of working with him…”

“Doesn’t appeal? You’re right. And the idea of working with the android almost less. But I am capable of...setting aside my dislike, for the moment.” 

“Would you be willing to come to the meeting?”

Loki’s eyebrows rose a fraction. “You want me to?” 

“I do,” Steve said. “Not only because you’re the one with the most knowledge about what we’re facing, and one of the best equipped to understand whatever news this new visitor is carrying, but also…” He took a slow breath. “We need to know that Tony can handle being on the same team as you.” 

Loki’s eyes sharpened a bit. “And that I can handle being on the same team as him?” 

Steve had guessed Loki would pick up on that, even if he’d sort of hoped he wouldn’t. “Yes,” he said. “That, too.”

Loki’s expression smoothed out and he examined Steve like he was searching for something hidden. Steve kept himself composed, though he knew his tension must be showing.

“That is...fair,” Loki said at length. “All things considered. In answer: I am certainly not _pleased_ to be working with him again. I am inclined to be wary lest he decide that it would be safer to incapacitate me. But I will not take action to harm him, unless he takes action to harm me.” He paused. “And I would like to go to the meeting. Will James be coming as well?” 

Steve shook his head. “No,” he said. “I think that’s...too raw, too personal, to address right now. And he doesn’t have your experience with Thanos.” _Experience._ What a horribly neutral word. He noticed the minute twitch on Thanos’s name, though it was almost completely controlled.

Loki inclined his head. “Understood. And who else will be attending, if I may ask?” 

“Of course you can,” Steve said. “And I was thinking...you, me, Natasha, and Thor. I don’t want Clint, Pietro or Wanda there. Tony doesn’t know Valkyrie or Scott. I want Sam to stay here and hold down the fort.”

Loki made a bit of a ‘hmm’ noise at the back of his throat. “Sensible,” he said, after apparently considering for a few moments. “Though Thor might have his own...issues to air with Stark.” 

Steve’s lips twisted. “I’m going to talk to him, too,” he said. Loki looked thoughtful. 

“Are you bringing him in case Stark tries to make trouble with me?” he asked.

Steve hadn’t been thinking of it that way. Not exactly. But some part of him did remember that...Tony had the means to cut off Loki’s magic. He had Vision, and Steve didn’t know what to expect from Bruce.

Maybe he had considered it, a little. 

“That’s not the only reason,” Steve said, “but it might be one of them.” 

“You expect trouble, then.”

“No,” Steve said, and then corrected himself: “I don’t want to. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be trouble anyway. And it seems better to come prepared.” He paused, set his jaw, and said carefully, “you know I’ll protect you.”

The corner of Loki’s mouth turned up, barely. “Or die trying, hmm? No,” he said, before Steve could answer that, “I don’t think that is a danger here. I will go. And I will behave. Though I think Stark will be far less blase about the risk of my...connection to Thanos than the recent audience.”

“He’ll have to find a way to live with it,” Steve said firmly. Loki made a sort of “hm” noise again.

“I certainly hope that he does.” Loki looked down at his bandaged hand, flexing his fingers. “It really is...it happens so quickly,” he said, almost under his breath. “It all builds, and builds, and suddenly it’s too much and I need…”

Steve squeezed his eyes closed and opened them. “There have to be alternatives to hurting yourself.”

“Most likely.” The corner of Loki’s lips twisted upwards. “Old habits.” 

“This isn’t...new?” Steve said. He’d always assumed...Thor had never said anything. But then, maybe Thor didn’t know. He doubted _he_ would know, if it weren’t for the spell that had forced the truth out. 

“No,” Loki said after a long pause. “Not new. Though I didn’t used to...I had a lower tolerance for pain. It didn’t take so much to find satisfaction.”

 _Satisfaction._ Steve’s stomach twisted and for a moment he wanted to pull away. He forced himself to push through it, because he knew what Loki would see. And he thought maybe there was something Loki was trying to say, talking around, and maybe needed to speak. He kept his mouth shut and waited.

“That was something he taught me,” Loki said, and Steve didn’t think he needed to ask who _he_ was. “How to...endure. Through pain. I learned how to distance myself from my body, how to convince myself that it was happening to someone else. How to let it be...meaningless. To convince myself that whatever was done to my body could not touch me. Didn’t...matter.”

Steve swallowed hard to quell a wave of nausea. Thought of how easily Loki seemed to shrug off physical damage done to him, how he discounted it as irrelevant, unimportant, not that bad. He’d always taken it for another way that Loki punished himself, and maybe it was that too, but...maybe he really didn’t feel it in the same way. Didn’t register it.

Expected it, even. 

Loki dug one of his thumbs into the palm of his other hand - thankfully not the wounded one. “He told me it would make me stronger,” he said, his voice barely audible. “That it was for my own good. And I believed him, because if I didn’t then...then I was just as weak and powerless as I feared.” His laugh was harsh and ugly. “Which is, of course, exactly what I was.”

There were right words, Steve thought, for him to say now. He groped for them, but nothing seemed entirely adequate; he’d been waiting for Loki to open up to him about what he’d been through and now that he had, didn’t know how to respond. His stomach ached. “You aren’t weak,” he managed.

“I was then,” Loki said. His eyes were distant. “I was half broken before I fell into his hands. That I have rebuilt myself as much as I have since then feels nothing short of miraculous.”

“That’s your strength,” Steve said. Loki glanced at him sidelong, and before he could argue - or try to - Steve added, “thank you for telling me.”

Loki blinked once. “You are thanking me?” 

“Yeah,” Steve said. “For trusting me. I know it’s not...talking about this isn’t easy. But I...hope it helps. Even a little.”

Loki’s expression softened, slowly. One corner of his mouth tipped very slightly upward, though it didn’t erase the weariness from his eyes. “You do,” he said. “Always.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for your enthusiastic response to the first chapter of this beast! I'm so glad you're along for the ride with me. Here we are in week two with a chapter full of one very tense conversation. All the same thanks apply as previously. 
> 
> No real notes to add here. Just enjoy the show.

They agreed to have the meeting at the upstate Avengers location. T’Challa lent them a Wakandan jet, since without using the Tesseract Loki couldn’t take all of them, and Loki said emphatically that he did not want to use the Tesseract unless in utmost need.

So they flew. Loki sat too still, hands folded together and silent. Thor watched Loki with visible displeasure, though Steve didn’t think it was directed at Loki. Steve’s conversation with him had gone...well enough. Mostly.

_I am not going to cause Tony any harm,_ Thor said. _But I am inclined to give him a piece of my mind._

_Think about waiting until after we talk,_ Steve said, even if a petty part of him wanted to hear what Thor would say.

But now, he had to remind himself, wasn’t the time.

The flight went fast. That was Wakandan tech for you. They came down in the early afternoon next to another ship; Loki stood when he saw it, eyebrows pulling together.

“That isn’t Nova Corps design,” he said. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say it looks more like Skrull.”

“Why do you know better?” Natasha asked. 

“The Kree technically own this area of space,” Loki said. “Or at least they think they do. And considering the Skrulls have been in retreat for decades...it seems awfully risky to send an agent here.”

“Not impossible,” Thor said.

“I suppose we’ll see.”

A familiar figure was walking out of the compound. Natasha turned off the engine and Steve opened the hatch, jumping down to the grass underneath. “Bruce?” he called, starting toward him. 

The figure raised a hand in a small wave with a crooked smile. “Hey, Steve,” he said. “Long time no see.”

“It’s good to see you,” Steve said, meaning it. 

“Yeah,” Bruce said. “You, too.” His eyes went past Steve and he twitched very slightly. “Hey, Nat,” he said, sounding a little less sure of himself. “Hey, Thor - what happened to your eye?”

“My sister took it,” Thor said levelly. Bruce gave him a quick, odd look. 

“Sounds like a story.”

“Later,” Thor said. His eye was on the compound like he might be able to see through the walls.

“Bruce,” Natasha said. “Welcome back to Earth.” Her voice was polite, if cool. Steve didn’t know exactly what had happened there. He’d always figured Natasha would tell him if she wanted to, and now didn’t seem like the time to ask. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Thanks.”

“So they’ve sent you as the welcoming committee.”

Steve winced at the tone of Loki’s voice. It was unmistakable to him as the one Loki used when he was off balance - cool, controlled, and calculated to make everyone around him nervous. By the way Bruce tensed, it was doing the third thing well.

“Loki,” Bruce said warily. “Yeah. Well...I saw you coming in and figured I’d come say hi before we get down to business.” He looked tired, Steve noticed, but also somehow...better than he had last time Steve had seen him. 

Loki drew up next to Steve on his left and his teeth flashed in an unsettling grin. “Here to remind me of the consequences of misbehavior?” he asked, sharp and brittle. Steve reached out to put a hand on his arm.

“It’s okay,” he said. “That’s not what’s happening here. Right?”

“No,” Bruce said quickly. “Of course not.” His smile was shaky. “Geez. Things have really...a lot’s changed while I was gone, hasn’t it?” 

“Yeah,” Steve said, unable to keep his voice from going dry. “A bit.” He took a deep breath, then, controlling himself. “Sorry. I don’t know what Tony told you, but…”

Bruce held up his hands. “I don’t care,” he said. “Honestly. We’ve got bigger problems.” 

“I don’t doubt it,” Loki said. “But I think we should confirm that Stark feels the same way.” His eyes moved from Bruce to the compound. “Shall we?” 

“Yeah,” Bruce said after a moment. “Yeah, okay.” He paused, then turned around and started walking back. Steve moved to walk next to him, glancing back briefly to see that Loki had fallen back next to Thor and was murmuring something in his ear. 

“So things really went to shit, huh,” Bruce said after a few moments.

“Hasn’t been all bad,” Steve said. He kept himself from glancing back at Loki. “We’ll have to catch you up on everything.”

“That’d be nice.” Bruce glanced sideways at Steve. “Is it true Bucky killed Tony’s parents?” 

Steve breathed out through his nose. “It’s true.”

Bruce sort of nodded. “And the part about Loki having his mind taken over by Thanos?” 

Steve managed not to wince. “That’s true, too.” 

Bruce pressed his lips together in a line and nodded again. “Great,” he said under his breath. “Just...great. So, uh…” he glanced over his shoulder. “Should I be getting ready for an explosion? Seems like Loki’s spoiling for a fight. Seems like _Thor_ is, too.” 

Steve set his jaw. “Did Tony mention the part where he neutralized Loki’s magic with an adapted version of Doom’s tech and let Secretary Ross throw him - and everyone else - in an extrajudicial prison?” 

“Sort of,” Bruce said after a beat. “Though sounds like there might’ve been some stuff he glossed over.” 

“Yeah,” Steve said, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “I thought so.” He took a deep breath and made himself shake it off. “But it’ll be fine. I know we have - more important stuff to deal with. That’s why we’re here.” 

Bruce’s mouth twisted a little, but he didn’t say anything.

The building looked almost exactly the same as it had the last time Steve had seen it, before leaving for Peggy’s funeral. He realized walking in that he half expected a trap, and glanced back at Loki and Thor again. Natasha drew up on Steve’s other side. 

“You think Thor’s going to keep his head?” she asked quietly.

“You’re worried about him?” Steve said. “Not Loki?”

“I’m worried about everything,” Natasha said. “This all feels like a ticking time bomb.”

“I trust him,” Steve said firmly. Natasha looked him over quickly and then nodded. A moment later she gave him a small smile. 

“Don’t look so grim, Steve,” she said. “We’re not going to a funeral.” 

_Yet,_ an unpleasant voice murmured in Steve’s head, and he tried to push it away. 

Bruce led them to one of the living areas furnished with couches and chairs, and Steve’s stride checked a little. Tony was already there, sitting in one of the chairs, and he was on his own. 

It was the first time Steve had seen him face-to-face since their fight in Siberia. The rush of anger he expected didn’t come. Tony looked tired, and older, and as tense as Steve felt. “Hey, Steve,” he said, too casually. 

“Tony,” Steve said. Natasha nudged past him and walked into the room and over to one of the couches, dropping into it. 

“Long time no see,” she said with a crooked smile, and Steve knew what she was doing and couldn’t decide if he appreciated it or not. “How’s Pepper? I hear congratulations are in order.” 

Steve blinked. “Congratulations?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Tony said after a second. “We, uh. Got married last summer.” He paused, and said, “sorry I didn’t send an invitation. Kind of figured you wouldn’t be able to make it.” 

Steve almost laughed, but he held it back. Natasha glanced toward him, one eyebrow lifting like she was waiting for him to announce his own marriage, but…

He didn’t want to, Steve realized. Not right now. “Congratulations,” he said, and did mean it. “Belatedly. Pepper’s doing all right?” 

“She’s great,” Tony said. “Stark Industries has never run so smoothly. The board loves her.” 

“Recognizing that this is all very important,” Loki said, gliding into the room and over to one of the chairs, sitting down in it and leaning back like it was a throne. He was using that voice, still, the dangerous one. “Is there a reason that you are delaying the real matter we are here to discuss?” 

Steve didn’t think he imagined the way Tony paled slightly, his eyes moving fast from Steve to Loki, and then to Thor, and widening. 

“When’d you lose the-”

“Eye?” Thor said. His voice was cool. “Relatively recently. I was busy as well, while I was away.” 

Tony seemed to deflate a little. “Thor…”

“We can speak later,” Thor said. “I have the same question as my brother.” He didn’t sit down, and moved to stand, unsubtly, by Loki’s chair. Steve took his own seat, trying not to sigh.

“I thought maybe it’d be a good idea to clear the air before introducing any wild cards,” Tony said after a brief pause. His eyes kept straying toward Loki, whose gaze was absolutely fixed on him. 

“Clear the air,” Loki said. “If I recall, I told you that you would have to hope I was in a forgiving mood when I escaped the pit you threw me into.” 

“Loki,” Steve said, not quite in warning. Loki glanced at him, but only briefly. 

“You would have had me killed,” Loki said. “And the hell to which you would have condemned the witchling might well have been worse. I do not see that you have done much in the way of amends.” 

Tony’s jaw set. “I’ve been staving off Ross ever since,” he said. “Maybe I moved too fast, but I’m not the only one who fucked up.” 

“We’re not here to rehash old fights,” Natasha said. 

“No,” Loki said. “That is true.” He cocked his head a little to the side. “I am not done with you, Stark. But I can wait.”

“Nice of you,” Tony said, sudden bitterness in his voice. 

Loki’s teeth flashed, his eyes gleaming, and Steve said quickly, “for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I should have told you about your parents.”

The fact that Tony seemed genuinely surprised stung, a little. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. “You should’ve. But I guess I get it.” He glanced at Loki, hesitated, and then said, “and you should’ve told me about _him._ What happened with Thanos taking over his brain and going after Vision. That was - a hell of a secret to keep. Were you ever going to-”

“I knew how you would react,” Steve interrupted. “I knew what you’d want to do. You’re right. I probably should’ve told you. But if I had, can you honestly say you wouldn’t’ve tried to do exactly what you did?” Tony said nothing, and Steve shook his head. “It’s over now,” he said. “And Natasha’s right. We need to move on.” 

“Tell that to your boyfriend,” Tony said. 

“Husband, actually,” Loki said. He crossed one leg over the other. Tony stared at him, then turned his head to stare at Steve. 

“Congratulations,” he said.

“Thanks,” Steve said. He shot Loki a look that he didn’t acknowledge. 

“This is a truce,” Loki said. “Not a peace treaty. But fear not, Tony Stark: I will not harm you. Tempted as I am to prove your belief in my monstrosity correct.”

“We will need to speak,” Thor said after a brief silence. “But you have been a friend.” Steve almost winced at the tense; he thought he saw Tony wince, too. Natasha looked pained. 

“Well,” Bruce said. “This has been fun. Should I go get Carol and Vision now?” Steve caught a slight twitch of Loki’s eye at Vision’s name, but he didn’t speak up. 

“Please,” Natasha said. “Let’s get down to business.”

“Great,” Bruce said, with startling vehemence. “I’ll be right back. Nobody blow anything up while I’m gone.” 

He left. Silence fell.

“So,” Tony said after a moment. “Married?” Steve nodded. “That’s...exciting.”

“It was a beautiful ceremony,” Thor said.

“Would’ve sent flowers and champagne if I’d known.” There was something faintly bitter there, Steve thought, and tried not to let it annoy him.

“Like you said,” he said. “We figured you couldn’t make it.”

There were footsteps approaching, and Steve could hear Bruce’s voice, and an unfamiliar one answering - Carol, maybe, Steve thought. A moment later Bruce entered, accompanied by a woman with short blond hair. She didn’t look like an alien, but considering the aliens Steve had met so far he supposed she wouldn’t, necessarily. Vision trailed in after them, and Steve saw Loki tense out of the corner of his eye, one of his hands clamping on his thigh. 

Steve stood up and held out a hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said. “Carol, right?” 

“Carol Danvers,” she said. Her grip was firm, and she didn’t hold on for long, glancing around the room. “This is everybody?” 

“No,” Tony said. “Just the advance guard.” Carol wrinkled her nose a little.

“What do you know about the situation?” 

“Only what Stark said on his summons,” Loki said. His eyes were narrowed in Carol’s direction. “That Xandar was attacked. Is the Skrull ship yours?” 

“Yep,” Carol said. “It is. Why?” 

“You aren’t a Skrull.”

Carol’s expression shifted slightly. “How do _you_ know?” 

“What’s a Skrull?” Steve asked. 

“Shape-shifting aliens,” said Bruce, to Steve’s surprise. 

“That’s my business,” Loki said. “And I am wondering where you came from.” 

“Earth, originally,” Carol said, sounding a little snappish. “Who are _you?_ ”

“That’s Loki,” Tony said. “That’s Thor, and Natasha. What are you talking around, Reindeer Games?” 

“Has it occurred to anyone else that she may be a spy?” Loki said. Carol stiffened. 

“I’m not,” she said. 

“And we’re meant to take your word for that?” 

“Maybe,” Bruce said, “you could give her a chance to say what she knows, before you go throwing accusations around?” 

Loki’s nostrils flared, but he sat back. Steve could guess why he was acting like he was - fear bordering on panic that he was, at least so far, managing not to show - but it wasn’t going to make him any friends and he wished there was a way to tell him to stop that wouldn’t make things worse.

“Xandar wasn’t just attacked,” Carol said. “It was destroyed. Razed. We - me and a ship of Skrull refugees - were heading there when I heard the distress signal. By the time I got there, it was too late.” Her jaw tightened, and Steve recognized the mixture of anger and frustration that briefly burned in her eyes. 

“Half the population was dead,” Loki said, his voice empty. “And the Power Stone was gone.”

Carol’s eyes narrowed. “How did you know that?” she asked sharply.

Loki’s lips twisted. “Lucky guess,” he said, both dry and bitter, and then glanced away and said, “because this isn’t entirely unexpected, and I am familiar with the perpetrator.”

“‘Familiar with,’” Carol said. Thor shifted. 

“Loki was his prisoner,” he said, and Steve suspected it was to forestall what _Loki_ might say. The sharp look Loki shot him suggested that he probably would have put it differently. Carol glanced at Thor and then back at Loki, who shrugged one shoulder. 

“Why I know is immaterial,” he said. “Only that I’m right. Did you get a name from any of the survivors?” 

Steve wondered if anyone other than he and maybe Thor could see Loki’s tension. It didn’t show in his posture, or his face, but it was there. 

“No,” Carol said. “The Nova Corps leadership was slaughtered. No one I spoke to had seen the leader of the attack.”

“It’s him,” Loki said when Steve looked at him. He took a breath through his nose. “His name is Thanos. Do I need to go through the entire explanation again?” The question was directed at Steve, who wanted to say _no, I can handle it._ But Loki only looked at him a moment before his lips twisted and he said, “rhetorical question.” 

He directed his abbreviated explanation of what he’d told the others in Wakanda at Carol rather than anyone else. He cut out most of the personal details, the bare-bones account of his time in Thanos’s company even thinner than the version he’d given the rest of them. Bruce took a seat halfway through, his eyebrows furrowed, and Steve wondered what he was thinking. 

Wondered what Tony was thinking. If he could guess at what was in the holes in Loki’s sparse narrative. What he thought of them, if he could. 

“Can we just destroy them?” Tony asked, a few seconds after Loki had finished. “These Infinity Stone things?”

Loki made a low _ha_ noise in the back of his throat. “You could try,” he said. “The backlash from one might well level a quarter of your planet, though. Did you not hear me say they are the compressed singularity of a star?”

“Don’t get snippy at me,” Tony said with a distinct edge. 

“If he has one, that should make him easy to find,” Carol said. “Do you have the tech here for that now?”

“For finding one rock in the infinity of space?” Bruce said. “Maybe.”

“It is a very powerful rock,” Tony said. “Does it give off gamma radiation? Like the Tesseract?” 

“The Tesseract?” Carol said.

“The Space Stone,” Loki said. “It’s been encased in the form of a glowing cube for almost a century at the least.”

“Oh,” Carol said. “ _That_ thing.” She seemed to lose interest, shrugging it off. “Seems like it should be pretty simple,” she said. “If you know what the energy of these Infinity Stones looks like...then it’s just a matter of finding the one that’s moving and I’ll go kill this Thanos.”

She said it so matter-of-factly. Like there was no doubt that was what would happen. Steve wondered just what exactly this woman was capable of.

“That simple, is it,” Loki said after a beat.

“Yeah,” Carol said with just a little bit of belligerence. “That simple. I don’t see why it needs to be complicated.”

“And you don’t think,” Loki said, his voice too measured, “that considering he managed to halve the population of an entire planet _before_ he was in possession of the Power Stone, that might be just a _bit_ of a difficult proposition?” 

“She wouldn’t have to go alone,” Thor said, and he sounded like he rather liked the idea. “I would be _happy_ to join her. Thanos owes me a blood price.”

Carol glanced toward him, sizing Thor up, and seemed to approve of what she saw. “If you can keep up,” she said.

Loki let out an explosive breath. “ _Idiocy,_ ” he said. “That is, in sum, what you are describing. Thanos has an army. He has his - his _children,_ his Black Order, who are formidable warriors in their own right and serve him without question. Do you _really_ think that charging in howling battle cries is going to get you anywhere but _dead?_ ”

“Do _you_ have any suggestions?” Carol asked, audibly annoyed. Loki’s expression tightened and his eyes flicked toward Steve and then Thor. 

“Yes,” he said after a beat. “Of course, what would be most useful would be more precise information about his plans-”

“No,” Steve said before Loki could finish. “We went over this already.” 

Loki’s jaw tightened. “That was before this situation was an imminent reality.” 

Realization dawned on Thor’s face. “ _Loki,_ ” he said, almost a growl. Carol looked back and forth between them.

“What?” 

“He’s suggesting going on a psychic fact-finding mission using the backchannel in his brain,” Natasha said plainly. “Do I have that right?” 

Tony went rigid. “ _Shit,_ no,” he said. “That’s the worst fucking idea I’ve ever heard. You’re practically _asking_ to get possessed again. Is that what you want?”

“Possessed?” Carol said sharply.

“Not to _mention_ the risk to your life,” Thor said loudly, shooting Tony a glare. “I will not allow it.”

Loki’s nostrils flared. “It isn’t up to you to _allow_ me anything, Thor,” he said, voice turning a little dangerous, but after a moment he exhaled. “It was a suggestion I felt needed to be made. But I will rescind it. The larger course, I would say, is to find and gather as many of the Infinity Stones as possible ourselves, and use their power to annihilate the Titan before he does the same to us. We know where - almost all of them are, and while for his purposes all six may be necessary, I believe four would be sufficient to kill him.”

“Because that’s so much easier,” Tony said, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“I never said it would be _easy,_ ” Loki said. “But at least it isn’t a fool’s errand.” He was holding very still in the way Steve recognized as trying very hard to stave off panic. Steve reached out slowly to lay a hand on Loki’s arm and was relieved when he didn’t twitch it away. He’d feared Loki would see an offering of support as an admission of weakness he couldn’t afford.

Carol was frowning, her eyes narrowed. Vision’s level gaze was fixed on Loki, though his expression was hard to read. 

“Can we move fast enough?” Natasha asked. “If Thanos is already in motion…maybe we should just stand our ground and defend the Stones we already have.”

“I would rather not surrender the Reality Stone so easily,” Loki said flatly. “It seems a better course to _me_ to act preemptively to stop this before he comes to your planet with all his might than to wait for an attack that will spare no innocents.”

The room went quiet. 

“He has a point,” Bruce said. Tony jerked to his feet and swore. Thor was still frowning at Loki like he thought he was going to sneak off and go to Thanos if he looked away. 

“Whatever we do,” Steve said, his voice carefully measured, “we need to have everyone together. And that means I need - we need - some kind of assurance that no one is going to get thrown back in the Raft.”

“What’s that,” Carol said.

“A prison,” Natasha said. “Nobody wants that, Steve.” 

Steve didn’t answer, keeping his eyes on Tony, whose face tightened. “You’re here and I haven’t thrown you to Ross, have I?”

“Yet,” Loki murmured. Steve shot him a quelling look.

“No,” he said. “But you can understand why I might be a little hesitant.” 

Tony’s lips twisted. “Will my word be enough, or do you need some kind of blood oath?” he asked bitterly.

“It’ll be enough,” Steve said simply. Loki made a quiet noise in the back of his throat but at least didn’t disagree aloud. The muscles of his arm under Steve’s hand were impossibly tight. “I’ll let them know.” He paused, and then added with only a little effort, “thank you.”

“Yeah,” Tony said, looking away. “You’re welcome.”

“If this conversation is concluded, then,” Loki said, his voice smooth, sliding back into that register of ‘aloof and ever so slightly menacing,’ “may I be excused?” 

“Got somewhere important to be?” Tony asked, a little nastily himself.

“Somewhere you are not,” Loki said, a faint snarling edge materializing, and he propelled himself to his feet, shaking off Steve’s hand and striding out of the room. Steve watched him go and glanced at Thor, who gave Tony an unpleasant look. 

“We will speak,” he said, with an air of promise, and then followed Loki. 

Natasha visibly relaxed. Carol was glowering in the direction he had gone. 

“Is he always like that?” she asked, sounding peevish.

“Yes,” Tony said, at the same time as Steve said, “no.” 

Carol’s eyebrows rose. “No,” Bruce said. “Not always. Seems like this was a bad day. Guess that’s the case for all of us, though.” 

“No kidding,” Tony said. He stood up. “I’m going to call Rhodey and catch him up. Get him here.” He glanced at Steve like he wanted to say something, or was thinking about saying something, and decided against it. “This’s been fun,” he said, and then left in a hurry, in the opposite direction as Loki had gone. 

Steve rubbed his eyes. “Well,” he said. “That could have gone worse.” 

“I thought you people were _friends,_ ” Carol said.

“Guess my information was a little out of date.” Bruce sat down heavily. “Steve…”

“If you’re going to tell me to put a leash on Loki,” Steve said, his voice tight, “don’t. Even if I _could..._ he has a right to be pissed. You know Ross. You know what he’d have done with Loki. It would’ve been Doom all over again.” 

“That’s not what I was going to say. I’m not happy about any of this either, Steve, but again-”

“Bigger problems. I know. That’s why I’m here.” Steve took a deep breath. “I’m calling Sam. But I want to...when I get a chance, I’d like to hear what you’ve been up to.” 

“Yeah,” Bruce said. “Sure. It’s...kind of a long story, though.” 

Steve turned to Carol. “I didn’t introduce myself, did I?”

The corner of Carol’s mouth ticked up a little. “I know who you are,” she said. “Your photo was in a few of my history textbooks.” 

Steve’s face heated. “Ah.”

“And Tony said you were coming.” 

Steve gave her a small, sheepish smile. “Right. Well...I meant it. Whatever the circumstances, it’s good to meet you.” 

“So you don’t think I’m a spy, then?” 

“No,” Steve said. “I don’t. Loki’s…” he paused. “Don’t take it personally. He doesn’t take to new people easily, and this entire situation is…”

“It’s fine,” Carol said. “I get it. I can deal with pissy assholes.” Steve winced, biting back the urge to defend Loki. She didn’t sound angry anymore, at least. 

He wanted to talk to her more, but there were other things he needed to do right now. “I’m going to call Sam,” he said again. “And then find Thor and Loki.”

“May I walk with you a short distance?” Vision asked, his voice mild and polite. Steve startled a little; he’d been very quiet all this time. 

“All right,” he said. “Sure. If you want.” 

“So what’s your story,” Steve heard Natasha ask as they left. “How’d a woman from Earth end up in the outer reaches of the galaxy?”

Vision didn’t speak immediately. Eventually, he cleared his throat and said, “congratulations on your marriage, Steve. I am happy for you.” 

“Thank you,” Steve said, glancing at him. “I appreciate it.” 

“I wish to...apologize to Loki,” Vision said slowly. “I was the one who struck him down, allowing his capture. But I fear it would be unwise, considering the hostility he already bore me before our latest altercation.”

Steve grimaced. “It might be,” he said. “At least...right now.” 

Vision sighed. After several more moments he said, “and...will Wanda be coming?” He sounded so hesitant. So awkward, and human.

“She will be, yeah,” Steve said. 

Vision nodded. “I see,” he said. After a couple seconds of silence, he cleared his throat again and said, “thank you, Steve. We’ll speak later, I hope.” 

“Sure,” Steve said. He remembered what Tony had said in his first message about Vision’s unhappiness, and wondered how _that_ reunion would go. Loki wasn’t the only one he’d helped get imprisoned.

He waited until he was sure Vision was out of earshot to make the call. Sam picked up on the second ring. 

“Is this a ‘come get me’ call?” he asked. 

“No,” Steve said. “It’s a ‘get on a plane and join us here’ call.”

“Everyone’s still alive and no one’s in prison?” 

“Yes, and yes,” Steve said. “It went...all right. Mostly. Loki’s wound a little tight, and because of that so is Thor, but...it seems like Tony’s serious about mending fences. Or at least nailing some boards over the gaps.”

“And the new friend?” 

“A woman named Carol Danvers. I don’t know much more about her than that yet, except that she’s been in space for a while with some shapeshifting aliens called Skrulls, and saw the aftermath of the attack on Xandar.” 

“And?” Sam said.

“And it’s him,” Steve said. “No eyewitnesses, but according to Loki...the signature is right.” 

“Well, fuck,” Sam said. “You know, I was still kind of hoping he was wrong.” He breathed out slowly. “Okay. I’ll update everyone, and we’ll get on a plane. Give us until tomorrow.” He paused. “I don’t need to tell you that between Bucky and Clint - and Pietro - there’s going to be a lot of hostility going around.” 

“I know,” Steve said. “We’re just going to have to do our best to keep it professional. And under control.” 

“Aye aye, Captain,” Sam said. Steve grimaced. 

“Don’t do that,” he said. Sam snorted.

“See you soon, Steve,” he said. “Don’t let Thor hit Stark with a bolt of lightning. We’ll probably need him.”

* * *

Steve found Loki and Thor where he probably should have expected: out on the lawn. It was more surprising that they were both sitting cross-legged on the grass, and Thor was braiding back Loki’s hair. He slowed as he approached, wondering if he was interrupting something, but even as he contemplated turning back Thor twisted toward him.

“Come, Steve,” he said. “Sit with us.” 

“You sure? If you want some time to yourselves…”

Loki’s fingers curled in the grass next to him. “Time to myself is the last thing I want at the moment,” he said, though quietly enough Steve wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have heard it. He walked over slowly and sat down in the grass next to them.

“The braid looks nice,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear one before, Loki.”

“I haven’t in a long time,” Loki said. “And I probably will not keep this one for long, either.”

“It was something I used to do,” Thor said. “Until you lost your taste for it.” Loki made a bit of a ‘hm’ noise as Thor finished the braid and then released it, sitting back. “And it was something that keeps me from any...precipitous action.”

“I told you, brother,” Loki said. “Do not take vengeance on my behalf.”

“I will not,” Thor said. “But that doesn’t mean I may not _wish_ to.”

It struck Steve suddenly how far the two of them had come. How much had changed since the early days when Thor could not so much as touch Loki’s door without getting burned. And now…

“Don’t be too hard on him,” Steve said to Thor. “When you...talk.”

Thor’s jaw tightened. “Would Tony be so generous to you? Or to Loki?” Steve didn’t have a great answer to that, and Thor sighed heavily. “I only mean to talk. To ask...an explanation. An accounting. No more than that.”

“I guess that’s all I can ask.” Steve glanced at Loki. “I’m proud of you for the self-restraint.”

“Was that what I had?”

Steve had to smile, if crookedly. “More or less.”

“Well. Thank you.” Loki sounded tired, abruptly, his head falling forward. Steve moved over to put a hand between Loki’s shoulder blades and rub a small circle there. Loki let out a faint noise, bending a little more, like he’d been waiting for permission. 

He glanced at Thor and then asked, “how are you doing?”

“Are you asking me?” Loki said. His laugh was a humorless stutter. “I’ve been better.”

Thor shifted. “I’ll leave you two to speak,” he said. “The others are coming?” 

“They will be,” Steve said. Thor nodded.

“Then I will go and have words with Tony,” he said, and pushed himself to his feet. Steve stayed where he was, sitting on the grass next to Loki, who looked just short of curling into himself.

“I wanted to be wrong,” he said suddenly, quiet and a little ragged. “I wanted it to be something else. Even though I knew it wasn’t. I have been waiting for this to come for so long, and now that it is here...all I want is to run away.” 

It was nothing Steve hadn’t already known. The fear of Thanos ran deep in Loki, and had since they’d first met. Before Steve had even known the name of that fear, he’d known that Loki was afraid. 

“You could,” Steve said. Loki’s head twisted toward him, and Steve smiled unhappily. “Part of me almost wants you to. To go somewhere far away and safe-”

“I would _never,_ ” Loki said loudly. “I would _never_ abandon you like that. Do you really think-”

“No,” Steve said quickly. “No, I don’t. But I still…” he looked down at his hands. “The idea of dying doesn’t scare me that much. What does...losing people. Losing _you._ ”

Loki’s eyes turned from him again. “If something does happen to me-”

“Don’t you dare,” Steve said. “Don’t assume we’re going to lose. Don’t assume _you’re_ going to lose. We have a plan. And besides-” he swallowed hard. “Don’t ask me to make any promises that you can’t make yourself.” 

Loki fell quiet. 

“I hate this fear,” he said after several moments of silence. “Like a living thing in my chest. What if I freeze when I face him? What if Stark is right, and he reaches out and claims my mind once again, turns me against you?”

Steve turned and cupped Loki’s face between his hands, pressing his fingers against skin. “You won’t,” Steve said. “And he won’t. You’re strong, Loki. _Unbelievably_ strong. If you face Thanos, you’ll do what you’ve always done.”

“And that is?” Loki asked. Tired, but with a kind of desperation, like there was something he needed to hear Steve say.

“Fight,” Steve said. “Survive. And when this is over - nobody’s going to stop us from taking our goddamn honeymoon.”

Loki let out a stuttering, startled-sounding laugh. A small smile touched the corners of his mouth and he raised his own hand to brush his fingers against Steve’s wrist. “Indeed not,” he said. “They won’t dare. And if they try...I am sure Thor would be thrilled to assist in removing the obstacle.” 

“Not to mention Wanda,” Steve said. “Or Bucky.”

Loki’s smile became a little more sure. He leaned forward and kissed Steve with exquisite gentleness. “Ah, Steve,” he murmured. “When I come untethered, you bring me back to shore.”

In spite of everything, warmth bloomed in Steve’s chest. “Does that make me a tugboat?” he teased. 

Loki’s soft but genuine laugh was a gift.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week three! And we hit the last chapter of build-up before we _really_ hit the ground running. I mean, there's still a lot here, but a lot of it is 'talking and interpersonal conflict.' But hey, I mean, this is _me_ we're talking about here - what else did you expect? 
> 
> Anyway. Here we go. Massive thanks and appreciation to the usual suspects - I couldn't do it without you. And fresh gratitude to all of you - your comments give me life and joy and make all the wrestling with this one over the past year-ish worth it.

They had some time to kill before the others arrived from Wakanda. Loki retreated to Steve’s old quarters while they waited. Steve went looking for Bruce to catch up, and instead found Carol making herself a sandwich in one of the communal kitchens. She turned around and saw him before he could decide whether to stop and talk or keep searching. 

“Hey,” he said. “Sorry you’re not getting...more of a welcome.” 

She shrugged. “I can deal with it. Don’t suppose _you_ could tell me where Fury is.” 

Steve blinked. “Fury? I...sorry, I don’t know. We haven’t talked in a while. You know him?” 

“Yep,” Carol said. “From last time I was on Earth. It’s been a while.” 

“He never mentioned you to me,” Steve said, not quite a question. 

Carol set her sandwich down and leaned back against the counter. “Not that surprising, is it? He _is_ a secret agent.”

Steve supposed that was true. Still, even if he didn’t really believe Loki’s suspicions about Carol being a spy, he wished he could get in touch with Nick for some kind of confirmation. “So what’s your story?” he asked, and added a lopsided smile. “You know mine. I feel like I’m a little at a disadvantage.” 

“Do I? Last I heard you’d gone down in the ocean and were presumed dead. Looking pretty lively for a corpse.” Steve grimaced a little, but she smiled. “It’s not that complicated. I was in the Air Force. Got on the wrong side of an explosion of Kree technology, got superpowers, was taken into space to have my memories wiped. Ran around as a soldier for the Kree Empire for a while until I realized they’d been lying to me. I’ve been helping the Skrulls gather their refugees and look for a homeland for the last two decades and change.” 

“That’s simple?” Steve said. She shrugged.

“Simple enough. So what about you?” 

Steve sighed. “Less simple. I got thawed out in 2012. A lot’s happened since then.”

“And Loki?” 

Steve considered carefully. “I think it’s up to him to tell his side of things,” he said finally. “Suffice to say that he’s…” he exhaled slowly. “Like Thor said, he has personal experience with Thanos, and not the good kind - if there is a good kind to have. He’s stressed, and that doesn’t bring out his good side. I mean it - you really shouldn’t take it personally.” 

“Kind of hard not to take an accusation of being a spy personally.” 

Steve managed not to wince. “I know.” 

“Duly noted,” Carol said after a long pause. “I’ll keep that in mind. But if he tries to bite, I bite back.” 

“I don’t doubt it,” Steve said, and made a mental note to tell Loki to be careful. Carol cocked her head a little to the side and eyed him.

“I thought you’d look older,” she said. Steve blinked. 

“I was twenty five when I enlisted,” he said. 

“And you were frozen 70 years,” Carol said. “So you’re pushing a century now, right?”

Steve opened his mouth to say it didn’t work like that, then caught the gleam in her eyes and had to laugh. “Yeah,” he said. “Just over. So show some respect to your elders, huh?” 

“Good luck with that,” Carol said. “Are you going to make something in here, or just watch me eat my sandwich?”

“I was actually looking for Bruce,” Steve said. 

“Good luck,” Carol said. “I’m pretty sure he’s in hiding. He really wasn’t excited about coming back here.” 

That stung. Steve tried to push it away, though. “Guess I’ll just have to keep looking.” 

“Have fun,” she said. “Guessing we’ll be meeting up again later to go over details once the rest of your friends get here, right?” 

“I expect so, yeah.” 

“Looking forward,” Carol said. “If every conversation is as tense as the one we just had...seems like it’s going to be a good time.” 

“We can pull it together,” Steve said, feeling a little defensive. 

“You’d better,” Carol said. “If what I saw on Xandar is any indication of what we’re dealing with, it’s going to get ugly.”

* * *

With the arrival of the contingent from Wakanda, the tension just got worse. Sam and Rhodey eyed each other with barely disguised hostility. Pietro eyed everyone with entirely undisguised hostility. Wanda was tense and visibly nervous, playing with her rings constantly, which wasn’t helping Pietro’s mood. Scott looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, and Clint glanced at Tony once and proceeded to ostentatiously ignore him. 

Bucky exchanged a few quiet words with Loki, then approached Steve.

“So this is fun,” he said dryly. 

Steve sighed. “I know it’s bad. But I don’t have any good ideas of how to...defuse the situation.”

“An apology would probably help. ‘Hey, sorry for selling your friends out to Ross and also trying to kill you.’ But I’m not holding my breath.” He paused. “I’m surprised Loki hasn’t punched Stark in the face. Sure, he’d have to pull it, but I bet it’d be satisfying.”

Steve winced. “Buck…”

“I know, I know. Play nice.” Bucky took a deep breath through his nose. “You might tell Barton that, too. The twitchier the witch gets, the twitchier he gets, and she’s pretty twitchy. Not to mention her brother.”

“Wanda will keep them in line.” Steve wondered if she’d spoken to Vision yet. And how that conversation would go. 

“What’re y’all talking about?” Sam said, popping up on Bucky’s other side. “Have you met the new lady yet? Carol Danvers? She seems all right. I’m pretty sure she could punch me through a wall, though.”

“I could punch you through a wall,” Bucky said. “It’s not that hard.”

Sam shot him a dirty look. “Just you try it, tough guy,” he said. “You’ll regret it.”

“Probably not.” Bucky stretched. “I told Loki I’d spar with him. Wish me luck.”

“I have no idea why you do that,” Sam said. Bucky grinned at him.

“Cause it’s fun,” he said, and sauntered off. Steve watched him go, trying not to worry. The two of them were...well, hopefully they were getting some of the tension out that way. It was probably better than stewing and feeding each other’s resentment.

Sam nudged him with his shoulder. “How’re you doing?”

Steve blinked at him. “Me?” 

“Yeah, you,” Sam said. “You’re juggling a lot of strong personalities, several of whom are _great_ at carrying a grudge. And a panicking husband. And I’m guessing your own grudge, at least a little. Seems reasonable to ask how you’re handling.”

“I’m fine,” Steve said. Sam snorted, and Steve said, “really. I’m just...keeping focused.” He decided not to object to the description of Loki, even if he _wasn’t_ panicking. At least, not quite. 

“Mm. Whatever works.” Sam rolled his shoulders back. “When’s the big powwow? The chat about strategy and next steps?” 

“A couple hours,” Steve said. “I wanted to give everyone a little bit of a chance to find their footing, first.”

“And do we _have_ a strategy?” 

“More or less,” Steve said. Sam’s eyebrows shot up, and Steve grimaced. “We do. Though there’s a lot of details that need filling in.”

“You know what they say about the details,” Sam said. “That’s where the devil is.”

“I know.” Steve rubbed his temples, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “But the basics are simple enough. Just a matter of figuring out who goes where. Breaking off into teams. And we’re working on a schedule.” 

“Don’t suppose we know what kind of schedule,” Sam said. 

Steve shook his head. “No,” he said. “We don’t have any intel on Thanos’s current location, or what his next move will be after the attack on Xandar. It’s definitely possible it could be here. But we’re not going to try to find out.” 

Sam’s eyes sharpened. “Guessing that suggestion got floated. And I don’t have to ask who made it.” 

“Probably not.” Steve squeezed his eyes closed and made himself say what he’d been thinking. “I’m...worried about him. Not about the stuff with Tony - I trust him on that front. He knows the stakes.”

“So what _don’t_ you trust him with?” Sam asked, though the look on his face suggested he knew the answer and just wanted Steve to say it. He sighed out slowly through his nose. 

“With himself,” he said. “When Loki feels like he has something to prove, he gets reckless. And he for sure feels like he has something to prove when it comes to Thanos. On top of that, his self-preservation instincts aren’t always...great.”

“Wonder what it’s like having people like that around,” Sam said pointedly. Steve grimaced at him.

“That’s not the point. The point is, I’m worried that if we’re in a situation where I’m in danger…”

“That Loki might do something stupid?” 

“That,” Steve said, “or he’ll throw the mission away to save me. Maybe not just me. Thor, Bucky, Wanda, you... you’re all as good as family.”

Sam considered him. “Have you told Loki about any of this?” he asked finally. “About your concerns?” 

“No,” Steve said. “I don’t want him to think I don’t…”

“Trust him? You don’t,” Sam said bluntly, and Steve had to try hard not to wince. “And if Loki hasn’t noticed it yet, believe me, he will. And if he doesn’t know why you’re acting weird, he’ll jump to the worst possible explanation.”

“I know,” Steve said unhappily, because he did; that was how Loki thought. “But…”

“Way I see it,” Sam said, “you either suck it up and try to believe in your husband’s judgment, or you tell him what you’re thinking and sort it out from there.” He shrugged. “One way or the other. But standing here worrying in my direction ain’t going to get you anywhere.”

“Sorry,” Steve said, feeling a little sheepish. 

“Don’t apologize,” Sam said. “But you don’t talk to me so I can sugarcoat the truth.” 

“No,” Steve agreed. “I don’t.” He paused. “How are _you_ doing?”

“Me? Shit.” Sam blew out a breath through his teeth. “Handling a fascist government? I can do that. Dealing with international political blowups and becoming a fugitive? Easy. But this is...cosmic. Big, world-ending, trillions of lives at stake. Not exactly what I thought I was signing up for.” 

Steve wanted to wince. “I know.”

“But here I am,” Sam said. “And I’m not backing down. And you know, I might be scared shitless but I’m committed. Maybe we’re all fucked, like Loki seems to think even if he’s not saying it. But even if that’s true, I’d rather go down at least _trying_ to punch back.”

Steve gave him a fragile smile. “Did you write that down, or was it just off the top of your head?” 

“You’re hilarious, Rogers,” Sam said, but he reached out and squeezed Steve’s shoulder.

“And…” Steve paused again, but decided to just go for it. “How about you and Bucky?” 

“How about it,” Sam said, almost defensive. Steve help up his hands.

“If you don’t want to talk about it…”

“I don’t,” Sam said, then paused and grimaced. “Don’t worry, Steve. I’m not gonna break his heart.”

Steve raised his eyebrows. “Is he going to break yours?” 

Sam gave him a dirty look for some reason. “Nope. Is now the time for a cozy chat?” 

_What’s a better time,_ Steve thought. _We might not get one._ But he held up his hands. “Fair enough,” he said. “It’s probably time to start getting everyone together.”

“Time for the Council of Elrond,” Sam said. 

“Our Fellowship is a lot bigger than just nine,” Steve said, and when Sam gave him a surprised look said, “what, you think I didn’t read anything published after 1942? I made _Loki_ read Tolkien.”

“What’d he think of it?” 

“Loved it,” Steve said. “Though he had some quibbles about the Elves until I reminded him that as far as Earth is concerned they’re not real. He said that just because no one here has seen them in generations doesn’t mean we should’ve forgotten everything.” 

Sam blinked. “There were real elves on Earth, ever?” 

Steve shrugged. “Sometimes I can’t tell when he’s having me on,” he said. which made Sam laugh. Steve’s heart lightened, just a little.

* * *

Everyone already knew the basic rundown, now. Thanos, Infinity Stones, two already in their possession, another one somewhere on Earth, one with Thanos, one in space, and one unaccounted for. 

“Should we maybe try to find this Soul Stoneone?” Clint asked. “It sounds pretty powerful.”

Loki cast him a scathing look. “And waste the time it would take looking? I think not.” 

“Well, if _you_ say so,” Clint snapped back.

“And what about Vision?” Tony asked. “Does this whole thing work when one of these things is stuck in his head?”

Loki’s nostrils flared a fraction. “It isn’t ideal,” he said, after a moment. “But seeing as I doubt it is easily detached without drastic consequences…” He didn’t sound like the idea of those _drastic consequences_ distressed him very much. 

“Maybe not easily,” Bruce said. “But I think it could still be done.” Several heads turned to stare at him, and he said, “theoretically, anyway. Seems like if this way’s ‘not ideal’ and there’s a chance we could do better…”

“Shuri could probably help,” Bucky said, and when Bruce looked at him blankly he said with a peculiar pride, “T’Challa’s little sister. She’s a genius. Smartest person on this planet, I bet.” He very pointedly did not look at Tony when he said it. Loki made a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh.

“Sure,” Bruce said, as though unaware of the byplay. “Any help we can get, right?” 

“Okay,” Steve said. “It seems to me like we should divide into teams. We have a lot of ground to cover.”

“Who put you in charge?” Tony said sharply. Steve couldn’t help but be surprised, and stared at him, not masking it.

“He’s good at it,” Sam said after a brief pause, and there was a bit of an edge on his voice. 

“A worthy leader,” Thor said, with even more of an edge on his.

“What about her?” Tony said, gesturing at Carol, who crossed her arms.

“Don’t put me in the middle of this pissing contest. I’d be happy to take over, but I don’t know you people or what you can do. And as far as I can tell, you’re as good at following orders as a group of Sneepers.” 

Thor looked offended. Rhodey’s eyes went wide and he looked like he was trying not to laugh. “A group of _what?_ ”

“You aren’t wrong,” Loki murmured, sounding faintly amused.

Tony’s jaw flexed. “Fine,” he said. “Whatever. You’ll do what you want anyway; you always do.”

Steve took a deep breath so he didn’t snap back. “Let’s start with who stays with Vision,” he said. “I suggest,” and he tried not to emphasize _suggest,_ “Wanda, Clint, Pietro, and Bucky along with Bruce and Vision. You can contact Shuri; she’ll probably be willing to offer her lab.”

Bucky’s expression darkened, but Steve went on.

“For the one Loki says is on Earth - Loki, could you indicate where it is on a map?” 

Loki’s mouth twisted. “Probably,” he said. “Though I doubt reaching it will be that easy. If I’m right...its guardians will not surrender it without an argument.”

“An argument,” Rhodey said, sounding dubious. Loki shrugged.

“I have no way of knowing how violent they may turn.”

“Thor, Tony, Sam, and Rhodey, and Natasha,” Steve said. “I’d guess you can handle it.” Sam gave Steve a dubious look, but he met it. Thor didn’t argue, though he didn’t seem very pleased either. Fine.

“Off planet,” Steve said, “Loki, Valkyrie, and me. And if you’d be willing to come, Carol...you too.” 

“Hey,” Scott said. “What?” 

“We need all hands on deck,” he said. “You mentioned a woman you worked with before who was - capable. Now might be the time to get in touch with her. If you can get her on board...go from there to meet Bruce and the others.”

And now there were a _lot_ of people who looked like they wanted to argue with him. Steve would have expected Loki to be one of them, but while his expression was hard to read, he didn’t look like he was going to say anything. 

Maybe that was just going to come later.

Bucky got there first. “I don’t see why I have to stay back. I should go with you and Loki, and Banner’s new friend. There’s only four of you there as it is. Stark is taking five, and that leaves five of us on planet supervising him.” He gestured at Vision. “You’re the smallest team, and you’re taking the most dangerous job.”

“We need more than one heavy hitter on every team,” Steve said, though his stomach turned over a little. “Especially since Wanda and Vision are both going to be - distracted. If any of Thanos’s forces come to Earth while we’re gone-”

“There’s Banner,” Bucky said obstinately. 

“James,” Loki said quietly. “The division makes sense. Of all of us, the most powerful are me, Thor, Valkyrie, Banner, Wanda, and the - Vision.” His lips twisted a little on the last name.

“Rude,” Clint said, but not like he expected a response. 

“And me,” Carol said. “Don’t forget that.” Loki glanced at her, but then twitched his head in a nod.

“As the teams go - that puts three of us on the likely riskiest journey, two on that I expect to be least perilous, and three on the third - not counting, as Steve pointed out, that both Banner and Wanda are likely to be distracted and Vision out of commission, preferably kept out of any battle that may come. You will be needed there most.” 

“He’s right,” Stark said, “and when _I’m_ saying that...you know it’s true.” 

“Besides,” Loki went on. “Three other people is the absolute most I can easily transport using Dr. Foster’s Bifrost, which will be the fastest and most reliable means of reaching Knowhere.”

“Not worldwalking?” Steve said. Loki shook his head.

“Not that far. Not with more than one other to keep shielded from the strain.”

Bucky made a snarling wound in the back of his throat. “Loki, you’re a fucking idiot. Do you really think I’m going to trust your good choices?” 

Loki’s expression froze, and Rhodey let out a low whistle. “ _Bucky,_ ” Sam said. “Jesus. This isn’t just him. And you don’t know _shit_ about space. Leave it to the experts. Steve has at least been before. And I’d say he’s at least _decent_ backup.”

Bucky’s jaw clenched harder. 

“You’re not gonna win this one,” Clint said. Wanda didn’t look happy either, but then she hadn’t looked happy before this conversation had started, either. 

Bucky leaned back in his chair, still looking like he might try to physically fight Steve - or Loki, or both - about this call.

“I’m pretty decent backup, too,” Val said, her voice almost a drawl. “I’ve been around longer than any of you.”

“And spent a fair amount of that time as a member of an elite group of warriors,” Thor said, though he’d been one of the ones Steve’d thought might speak up. Steve suspected the only reason he wasn’t arguing was a lack of desire to disagree publicly. He’d probably hear something about it later, even if he thought Thor would at least understand, and hopefully trust Loki. And Steve, to keep him safe. 

Bucky’s nostrils flared, but he didn’t say anything more. Just glared at Loki, who ignored him.

“We need to get going,” Steve said. “We don’t know how much time we have, but we know it’s not much.”

“I would recommend taking Vision to Wakanda,” Loki said. “Their protections are better. And Shuri will prefer to work in her own space. I would prefer to work from there as well. That way we needn’t move Dr. Foster and all her equipment.” 

_And that way you’ll have distance from Tony watching you work,_ Steve thought. He could understand Loki not wanting him to know more about his magic. The way Tony’s lips twisted, maybe he could read the subtext too. 

“Sure,” Tony said. “Fine. Are we going to be allowed in once we have this stone thing?” 

“Better to not,” Loki said, before Steve could answer. “Until it comes time to use them, I think it more prudent to keep them separated. That way, an attack on one location won’t find all of them concentrated there.”

“You have the Tesseract, don’t you?” Rhodey said. “And you’re going to get another one. That’s two in one place, isn’t it?” 

Loki’s eyes hardened. “It is far more difficult for the Tesseract to be retrieved from where I’ve hidden it than it would be were it in any of your possession.” 

Rhodey’s mouth twisted, but he didn’t argue further. 

_We’re moving too fast,_ a part of Steve thought. _We need to slow down,_ but he knew they couldn’t. And part of him suspected that he only wanted that because he was afraid. 

“Those of us going back to Wakanda, then,” Steve said, “let’s leave in thirty.” 

“I’m leaving now,” Loki said. “My methods. There is work to be done on Jane’s Bifrost before we use it. Thor, a word?” 

Thor was frowning in Loki’s direction, and seemed startled out of his own thoughts. “Yes,” he said. “Of course.” Loki strode toward the door, and Thor followed him out. 

“Anyone else worried about how much all of this is based on intel from him?” Rhodey said. He glanced toward Clint. “What about you?” 

“Seems to me there’s enough corroborating evidence if you believe Bruce and...Carol.” Clint said flatly. “I’ve accepted intel from sources I like less.” 

“Wow,” Tony said. “Who?” 

“Some of us,” Clint said coolly, “can change our opinions based on experience. Loki’s done less to me lately than you have.” 

Tony stiffened, and Steve cleared his throat. “Right,” he said. “Thirty minutes,” and stood up.

“Steve,” Tony said suddenly, his voice a little strained. “Can I talk to you a second?” 

Out of the corner of his eye, Steve saw both Sam and Bucky tense. He kept himself deliberately relaxed, even if he wanted to tense, too. “Sure,” he said. “I’ll be right there, guys.” He could feel Natasha’s eyes on him, too, and just glanced at her, offering a faint smile. She touched his shoulder before slipping out with the others.

“Well,” Tony said when they were on their own. “That could have gone worse.” 

“It could’ve,” Steve said carefully. “I thought it might.” 

Tony just looked at him. He seemed older, Steve thought. More tired, and unhappy. 

“Look, Steve…” Tony glanced away, grimacing. “I’m sorry.”

Steve felt his eyebrows shoot up and almost said _wow, you said it._ He held it back. “For what,” he said. Tony huffed out a breath.

“Do you have to be like that?”

“I want to know what you think you have to be sorry for.”

“For...shit. I was wrong about Ross. About the Accords. They were a rushed job and it shows. And for...going after Barnes. Whatever he did...going straight to murder wasn’t my best moment.”

“That’s it?” Steve said, maybe a little pointedly. 

“I didn’t call in those soldiers,” Tony said. “I honestly didn’t want a fight, Steve. I wasn’t looking for one.” 

“You wanted Loki and Bucky in prison. Which would’ve ended in them both dead.” Steve kept his gaze trained on Tony. “If I hadn’t been able to make it back into the Raft, Loki would be dead by now.” 

Tony’s shoulders slipped down a little. He looked, Steve thought, ashamed. “I know you care about him, Steve,” he said. “But - shit. I meant it, what I said. He scares the shit out of me. And we don’t have any idea of what his limits are. Not really.” 

“We don’t know what Bruce’s are, either,” Steve said. “Or Thor’s. Or this new woman - Carol.” 

“None of them have attacked the planet.” Tony shook his head. “No, I know - I know. He’s changed, he’s not like that, etcetera. It’s just…” He rubbed his eyes. “You’re really not worried.”

“I’m really not worried.” Steve paused, and then said, “you used to trust me. Can you trust me on this?”

Tony sighed. “I guess I have to.” He paused. “I’m going to have to make the whole goddamn apology tour, aren’t I.”

“I think it’d be the right thing to do.” Steve paused, and then said, “including Loki.” 

Tony eyed him. “I’m pretty sure that’ll just end in him punching me again. Do you know how much that hurt? I had a bruise for a month.”

_He must’ve pulled it a lot,_ Steve almost said. _You’d have a shattered ribcage otherwise._ “He won’t.” 

“You sound awfully sure of that,” Tony said. He sat back, and sighed again. “End of the world, huh? You ever miss when you were just fighting Nazis?” 

Steve pulled up a crooked smile. “Sometimes.” 

“I bet.” Tony’s knee bounced twice. “Are we good?” 

“Depends on what you mean by ‘good,’” Steve said. “If you’re asking if we’re still friends - I don’t know. But we are, at least for now, a team.” 

“Yeah,” said Tony after a moment. “Sounds about right.” 

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, because he felt like he should.

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Me too.” He paused. “And...congratulations. Honestly.”

“Thank you.” There was an odd lump in Steve’s throat. “You, too. You and Pepper.”

That got a real smile. Or at least a realer one. “Thanks,” he said. “There’s one good choice I made recently, huh?” 

“Damn good one,” Steve said. “You made a good call there.”

“Makes up for the other ones?” Tony said, with his own crooked smile. 

“Maybe,” Steve said. 

Tony paused, fidgeted a little. “You know...I have a thing around here somewhere. Big disc, star in the middle. If you wanted it back…”

For a moment he considered it. But...he shook his head. “No,” he said. “Thanks, but I’m good.” 

“Sure,” Tony said. “Right.”

The silence hung awkwardly between them for a few seconds before Steve cleared his throat. “Tony...good luck. We’ll keep in touch.”

“Yeah,” Tony said. “You do that.”

Steve left without looking back.

* * *

Loki had left for Wakanda without saying goodbye. Steve tried not to read anything into it. 

Thor and Natasha both embraced him before they parted. “Be careful,” Natasha murmured in his ear, and Thor just said, “come back safely, and swiftly.” 

Sam gave him a hug, too, and just said, “watch out for stowaways on your way to space. I’m betting Bucky’ll make a break for it.”

“Stay safe, Sam,” Steve said, and got on the plane. Wanda and Vision, he noticed, were very conspicuously not looking at each other. Carol made a beeline for the cockpit, where Clint was settling in.

“I’ll fly,” she said.

“Uh,” Clint said.

“I was a pilot before I was a superhero,” Carol said. “And this thing looks like _fun._ This is tech from...Wakanda?” 

“Yeah,” Clint said, not moving. “Pretty different from your standard Air Force birds.” 

Carol snorted. “I’ve flown Kree warships,” she said. “I can handle it.” 

Clint glanced at Steve, who shrugged. He shook his head a little and then stood up. “Sure, fine,” he said. “You fly then, hotshot. Just keep it fast and don’t do anything crazy.”

Her sudden grin was a little worrying. “You want it fast,” she said, “I’ll give you fast.”

Clint looked like he wished he hadn’t said anything. Steve snorted quietly and leaned back in his seat, thoughts straying back to Loki. Wishing he’d waited, or taken Loki with him.

Wanda came over and sat down next to him, reaching out to take his hand. “Steve?”

“Hey,” he said, giving her a small smile. “How’re you doing?” 

“I’m fine,” she said stoutly, though to Steve’s eye she seemed a little unsteady and anxious. “Loki went back to Wakanda on his own?” 

It occurred to Steve suddenly and horribly that there was some possibility Loki hadn’t gone to Wakanda at all, but might have done something significantly stupider. _No,_ he told himself. _He wouldn’t,_ but now that he’d thought it…

“I think so,” he said. Wanda gave him a worried look, and he said, “he didn’t say.”

Wanda bit her lip. “He probably just didn’t want to…” she trailed off, but her eyes flicked vaguely in Vision’s direction, then away. Steve made himself nod.

“That’s probably it.” 

Wanda squeezed his hand. “It’s going to be all right,” she said. Steve glanced at her, startled. She held her gaze steady on him. “I know that...this is terrifying,” she said, and laughed, a little. “ _I’m_ terrified. But I trust you, Steve. And us.”

A cynical part of Steve thought _trust isn’t enough to win a war._ Still… “Thank you,” he said. “I guess we’ve made it this far.” He looked over toward Valkyrie, who was silent. “What are you thinking?” 

“I’m thinking I wish I’d had more context heading into that meeting,” she said. “Talk about _awkward._ ” A moment later, though, she shook her head. “I’m also thinking this all seems like a longshot. I’ve heard of this ‘Thanos’ before. Nothing good. I’d still rather fight him than Hela, but not by much.” She shrugged. “Then again...not like you lot are harmless, and I’ve fought long odds before.” 

“Really?” Steve said. “You think Hela was worse?” 

Valkyrie leveled him with a look. “You’re thinking ‘since we beat her’? Well, unless you have another unkillable fire giant hidden somewhere and are willing to sacrifice your planet…”

Steve grimaced. A wry part of him thought _too bad we can’t get her on our side like we did Loki,_ but he kept it to himself. 

Carol was true to her word. They made it to Wakanda in what seemed like record time, though it was early in the morning when they landed. Steve texted Sam that they’d arrived and started off to find Loki, only to have Bucky catch his arm.

“Hang on,” he said, face stormy. “I wanna talk.” 

Steve held back his wince. “Okay,” he said, “but I’m not changing my mind.” 

Bucky’s jaw tightened. “I don’t care how many heavy hitters you’ve got. You and Loki need someone you trust at your backs. _Really_ trust. You barely know this Valkyrie gal, and you don’t know ‘Carol’ at all. Maybe Loki’s paranoid about her being a spy, but we still don’t know shit about what she can do, or what she _will_ do in a fight.”

“I need someone I trust here, too,” Steve said. “Wanda needs backup.” 

“She’s got T’Challa. And Shuri. Neither of them are lightweights. And Banner, I guess.” 

“Bruce is going to be occupied. Same with Shuri. And…” Steve took a deep breath. “Listen, Buck. If something _does_ go wrong...Loki’s going to need all the friends he can get.”

“Fuck that,” Bucky said harshly. “Don’t you dare pull that shit with me.” He jabbed Steve in the chest, hard. “You know what’d help if something goes wrong? _More backup._ ” 

“Bucky…”

“ _Steve._ ”

“James,” said Loki’s voice, sounding tired. “Stop browbeating Steve. He _isn’t_ going to change his mind. I think if he could leave me behind, he would.”

Bucky turned sharply on his heel. “Is that supposed to convince me?” 

“No,” Loki said. “Just to indicate to you the futility of this argument. There are better things with which to occupy your energy.”

“Like what,” Bucky said belligerently.

“Like making preparations for the possibility that Thanos will move for quantity over proximity,” Loki said. “There are two Infinity Stones on this planet. He may decide this is a better target. Or may simply divide his forces and send his children. Either way, it is an attack you should be ready for.” He paused. “Besides...Jane’s Bifrost was built for three people. It will be able to handle four, but only just. Certainly no more.”

Bucky’s jaw worked, and for a moment he and Loki stared at each other, eyes locked, but at length Bucky’s shoulders slumped and he turned back toward Steve. “When this is over,” he said, “I’m going to kick your ass for leaving me behind.”

Steve gave him a crooked attempt at a smile. “Sure,” he said. “You can try.”

Bucky left, and Loki lingered. Steve approached him slowly. “You left in a hurry.” 

“I am working with Jane on her Bifrost. We need to change the anchor so that we can reach Knowhere, and come back.”

“That’s all?” Steve said gently. Loki glanced away.

“Idleness, right now, feels ill-advised.” He hesitated, and then said, “We are altering the Bifrost itself as well so that it draws from a vibranium power source to activate rather than using my magic, so if I am unable to cast it will still be usable.”

Steve’s stomach dropped. _If I am unable to cast._ It could easily mean just if Loki drained too much of his power, as he had in the fight against Hela. But Steve didn’t think that was all he was saying.

“Right,” he said faintly. He knew it was sensible, making plans for worst case scenarios. Knew it was necessary. But at the same time, some part of him wanted to grab Loki and say _don’t act like it’s an inevitability, don’t act like you know you’re going to your death, I won’t let that happen, I won’t, I won’t._

_You can’t promise that, Rogers. You can never promise that._

God, that didn’t stop him from wanting to.

* * *

As always when Steve was dreading something, it seemed to happen too fast, the pieces falling into place. Bruce, Wanda, Vision, and Shuri retreated into Shuri’s lab to try to separate the Mind Stone from Vision. Jane worked without rest on altering the Bifrost she’d built with Loki and Professor Adeyemi; every time Steve saw her she was downing a cup of coffee. Steve watched Val and Carol bounce nervous energy off each other by sparring, and concluded that Carol’s confidence when it came to fighting Thanos wasn’t so misplaced. 

A day. That was all they had. 24 hours before they were gone, and everything kicked into high gear. Steve tried to sleep, well aware that he needed his rest, but he didn’t get anywhere. Loki didn’t even try, and after an hour or so Steve got up and went to sit with him where he was curled up on the couch, thumb worrying at his wedding ring. 

“You could at least come and lie down with me,” Steve said. “My shins are too warm.” He meant it to be a joke, but it fell flat.

“I can’t,” Loki said. “I can barely sit still. I keep thinking about everything that can go wrong.”

“Have you heard from Thor?” Steve asked. Loki shook his head. 

“Nothing. Not yet. But as I said...I don’t expect the custodians of the Stone to want to surrender it.” 

“You did say that,” Steve said. “What do you know about the people who are guarding it? I thought you weren’t sure.” 

“I’m not,” Loki said. “Not entirely. But there are...ripples, echoes, despite the attempts of someone to mask them. I’ve been tempted to investigate, but I’ve left it alone because…” He trailed off.

“Because why?” Steve asked.

Loki exhaled. “Because of the temptation having it would pose.”

“What temptation,” Steve said carefully. Loki’s eyes closed.

“To go back,” he said. “To unwrite it all. Go back and...do it right.” 

Steve’s breathing caught in his throat. “Do what right,” he said flatly, because even if he didn’t want to hear the answer he wanted Loki to say it.

Loki’s jaw twitched, tightened, then relaxed. “If I had died that day on the Bifrost,” he said, “Thanos would not have had the resource he needed to reach Midgard. Or go further back - if I was not there to invite the Jotnar into Asgard, Thor would have had no reason to provoke war with them. Without that discord, the Nine might stand united.”

“ _Might,_ ” Steve said, and he could hear the tension in his voice but tried to keep a lid on his anger. “And you said Thanos knew the Tesseract was here. He would’ve come sooner or later. And we wouldn’t have been ready. And what about Wanda and Pietro? Without the Mind Stone here, Hydra wouldn’t have found them and they might be dead by now. Vision wouldn’t exist.”

Loki shook his head. “But-”

“You can’t see all the ripples of what it’d change if you weren’t here,” Steve interrupted harshly. “You don’t _know._ Maybe some things would be better, but some things would be worse. And you know one of those things? _I wouldn’t have met you._ You wouldn’t be here now, with me.”

Loki’s expression wavered. “Steve…”

“I get it,” Steve said. “I get it, I know - I know how you see yourself, how you think of yourself, but _goddammit_ sometimes it’s hard not to wonder if there’s something wrong with me that I’m not enough to keep you from wanting to leave!”

His shouting faded. Loki stared at him, wide-eyed, and Steve felt like he should apologize, but didn’t.

“I don’t want to leave,” Loki said, voice small. 

“Sometimes it’s hard to tell.”

“I don’t,” Loki said, more firmly. “Do you not...my thoughts are dark, sometimes. They always have been, straying now and again down shadow-paths, and I cannot always stop them. But that isn’t what I _want._ Or it is, and it isn’t. It is the urge to stand at the edge of a cliff and step off, but you don’t want to fall.” Loki’s mouth twisted. “Does that...make sense? It is why I never did it. Because it frightened me, the idea that I would. And even as my mind told me that it would be for the best...my selfish heart told me I would lose too much.”

Steve remembered the last time they’d had this conversation, Loki saying _I wouldn’t do that to you._ Now... _I would lose too much._ Was that better? It seemed like maybe it was. That it wasn’t just for Steve’s sake anymore, but for his own. 

“So if you had it now,” Steve said, “the Time Stone...what would you do?” 

Loki took a deep breath and let it out. “Let its power wash through me, and over me. And then let it go.” 

Steve’s eyes prickled, the anger draining out of him, and he was just exhausted and heartsore and scared. Loki stepped toward him, laid his hands on Steve’s shoulders, opened his mouth and then simply drew him into an embrace. One of his hands cradled the back of Steve’s head, the other around his waist holding him close, and Steve let himself melt into it. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he said in a hoarse whisper. 

“I don’t want to lose _you,_ ” Loki said. “I want to stay with you, and live, and see the world - the _worlds -_ at your side. I want to kiss you breathless every day for the rest of my life. I want to wrap myself around you and hold you so close we could almost become one. Steve...I don’t want to die.” 

Steve’s exhalation shuddered out of his lungs. “You mean that.” 

“I mean that.” Loki drew back, just enough so Steve could see his steady gaze. “I bound myself to you, Steve.” He held up his left hand, showing the ring on his finger. “Body and soul. I have no intention of breaking that oath.” 

Steve swallowed hard several times to dislodge the lump from his throat. “Neither do I,” he said, and pulled Loki back toward him, breathing in the smell of him like he could hold it in his lungs forever.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Week four of this eight week odyssey and we're halfway through! And things starting to get. Mmm. Well. 
> 
> I know I am hilariously bad at responding to comments, but please know that I read (and reread, and reread) every one of them, and am deeply grateful to all of you. Best readers ever, the ones that I have. 
> 
> With thanks to the usual suspects. Still kinda can't believe this is actually happening. But here we are.

Knowhere smelled like New York City in the summer: trash and urine, with an added scent of overheated metal. 

Steve couldn’t decide if it was reassuring or depressing that a city in space had the same fragrance as a city on Earth. Carol wrinkled her nose briefly; Valkyrie didn’t react at all. Loki had already taken a few steps forward and was looking around them, poised on his toes like he was about to take off running. 

“Nice place,” Valkyrie said. 

“It isn’t,” Loki said flatly. “Luckily for us, we aren’t going to be here long. This way.” 

“Where are we going?” Steve asked, keeping pace with Loki as he started to move, walking quickly and purposefully.

“The Collector,” Loki said, and both Carol and Valkyrie grimaced. 

“Oh, great,” the latter said. Steve glanced at her, and she said, “remember the Grandmaster? He has siblings.”

Steve’s jaw tightened. “Ah.” 

“Don’t even think about it,” Carol said, and Steve turned to see her glaring at a green-skinned alien a foot and a half taller than her, his hand on the gun at his hip. One of Carol’s fists was glowing, and Steve stared at it, a little surprised by his own lack of surprise. The alien seemed to decide it wasn’t worth it and let his hand fall away. They moved on. 

“Have you ever met this guy?” Steve asked Valkyrie. She shook her head.

“No. Only know him by reputation. He and Gast don’t seem to like each other much, though, so maybe that says good things about his character - but I doubt it.” 

“He is powerful,” Loki said, “and jealous of his possessions. I doubt he’ll take well to the idea of giving up the Aether.” 

“Do we have a plan for convincing him?” 

“I am hopeful that the threat of Thanos may be good enough,” Loki said. “But barring that...thievery.” 

Valkyrie’s eyebrows rose. “You think _that’s_ going to be easy?”

“I didn’t say it would be easy,” Loki said, “but I imagine that it will help to have someone detonate a bomb in the building.”

They all turned to stare at him at the same time. “You’re making this up as you go along, aren’t you,” Valkyrie said, though she sounded more resigned than accusatory.

“Do you have any better suggestions?” Loki’s voice was caustic. “I have a plan. A loose one. That leaves us room to maneuver if anything...unexpected...comes up.”

Carol’s eyebrows were halfway up her forehead and she looked profoundly skeptical. “I’m starting to regret letting you take the lead on this,” she said.

Loki’s nostrils flared. “If something needs a photon blast to the face you shall be the first I inform. Until then, perhaps let someone with diplomatic training handle things?”

“You have diplomatic training? Wouldn’t have guessed,” Carol said. Steve saw Loki’s eyes narrow, but he just sped up his already quick stride. 

Finding the Collector’s place wasn’t hard - it wasn’t ostentatious like the Grandmaster’s tower had been, but it wasn’t exactly _subtle_ either. Steve eyed it with suspicion and not a little preemptive hostility. Loki barely even paused, striding directly up to what must be the front door and knocking twice, to no response.

“Why don’t you try the doorbell,” Valkyrie said, and pressed it. Loki gave her a dirty look, but a couple seconds later the door _did_ open and he straightened. 

The person standing there did not look anything like the Grandmaster. They were maybe four feet tall, grey-skinned, almost skeletally thin with four long fingers on each hand. They blinked owlishly at the four of them.

“Greetings,” Loki said. “Is your master available?” Oh, Steve thought. That explained the lack of resemblance. And he wondered with sudden nausea if this man kept slaves too.

“Do you have an appointment?” Their - his? Steve had no idea - voice was surprisingly melodic, given their appearance. Steve tried not to stare, instead peering through the half open door to see what he could make out of the interior.

“No,” Loki said. “But I believe he will want to speak with me. Tell him Loki Laufeyson of Asgard is here to speak about the Aether.”

Another owlish blink. Steve gave Loki a sharp look, surprised by the choice of surname, and noticed that Valkyrie was doing the same. “You should really make an appointment.”

“I am afraid the matter is urgent,” Loki said. “It concerns Thanos.”

This time, there was a hesitation, but only for a moment. “Wait here,” the alien said, and vanished back inside, closing the door firmly. Loki stood straight-backed and still, but Steve could see the fingers of his right hand curl and uncurl at his side, thumb rubbing along his forefinger in a restless, anxious gesture.

“Are you all right?” Steve asked him quietly.

“As well as I could be expected to be, under the circumstances,” he said tightly. Steve was surprised by the honesty. Valkryie shifted her weight and glanced at Carol.

“So,” she said. “Where’d you come from again?” 

“Earth,” Carol said. “Spent some time in the Kree Starforce.” 

“That explains it,” Valkyrie said. Carol narrowed her eyes in her direction.

“Explains what?” 

Steve was a little relieved when the door opened. “He will see you,” the alien said, and ushered them inside. 

It was like a cross between a museum and an art gallery. The space was cavernous, and there were even paths between case after case of artifacts, most of whose origin Steve could hardly guess at. There were labels but of course not in English. Some were clearly weapons, but others looked like they might be pieces of art. They walked past a massive plant with tendrils that moved independent of wind, and a tank with a whitish occupant, suckers affixed to the glass. Steve was pretty sure he saw an old Earth spacesuit, if only for a second.

A lot of the cases were empty, Steve noticed. It looked like there’d been things in them once - or were supposed to be - but nothing now. 

When they came to a halt it was in a circular open space. It was surrounded by tanks that made Steve’s skin creep, and it took him a while to figure out why: they were, he realized, roughly the size of bodies. 

He really hoped that wasn’t what was meant to go in them, but he wasn’t going to count on it. 

“An interesting introduction,” said the man who turned at their approach. “I seem to recall that Laufey was the name of a Frost Giant, and yet you called yourself of Asgard.” 

Steve could see the resemblance between the Collector and the Grandmaster, sort of. His hair was white instead of silver, his eyebrows thick and tufted, and he looked bored, almost indifferent, none of the bubbling, horrible, _enthusiasm_ Steve remembered. But that same sense of something ancient, and the arrogance that came with power.

“I hoped that would catch your attention,” Loki said. The Collector scrutinized him.

“I...lost...my Frost Giant,” he said, sounding almost thoughtful. 

“What a pity,” Loki said flatly. “But I am not here to discuss a replacement.”

It took Steve a moment to put it together, and then he glanced at the tubes around them and felt sick, anger strangling him. Valkyrie’s hand clamped on his elbow, and when he glanced at her she was restraining Carol too. “Stay on task,” she murmured. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Steve wanted to shout at Loki that there was a change of plans, there was no way they were going to bargain with someone who talked about sentient beings like toys. But the Collector’s eyes turned toward him and he was saying, “I see you brought company.” 

“My companions,” Loki said. How could he sound so _calm,_ when the Collector had as good as just proposed sticking him in a cage? Because he knew, Steve realized. He’d known that the Collector didn’t just collect _things_. “Sigrún, Steve, and Carol.” 

Steve noticed the altered name for Valkyrie. Of course. The Collector would probably want to add the _last Valkyrie_ to his _museum,_ if he knew.

His hands curled into fists. Carol looked like she wanted to punch someone, her muscles bunched, and he had the feeling Valkyrie’s hold on her wasn’t just for show. The Collector’s eyes moved over them, lingered on Steve, and then drifted away, back to Loki.

“Augus tells me your...interest...is in the Aether.”

“Yes,” Loki said. His voice had smoothed out; he sounded polite, if not deferential. “I assume you are aware of Thanos. He will be coming for it.” 

The thick, tufted eyebrows rose. “Is this a warning, then?”

“No,” Loki said. “It is a request. I ask that you would _lend_ me the Aether to be used against him.”

The Collector blinked slowly. “This is not a library,” he said. “I do not _lend_ items from my collection to all comers.” 

“Of course not,” Loki said. “But these are exceptional circumstances. You must-”

“I _must?_ ” The Collector’s voice didn’t rise, but there was, suddenly, just a hint of threat. Steve tensed. So did Loki, and Valkyrie took in a sharp breath. 

“Pardon,” Loki said. “I only meant that I am certain you are aware of the danger. Not to you, of course, but to your...valuable artifacts. Thanos will not care what destruction he wreaks in pursuit of his goals.” 

“Hmm.”

Steve caught a flicker of desperation on Loki’s face, though he smoothed it away quickly enough. “I am not, of course, asking that you part with such a valuable artifact. It would be a loan only, to be returned the moment the threat was dealt with.”

“And I am to take it on faith that you will return? Or do you offer some other...collateral?” 

“I am afraid that I have nothing that could match its value,” Loki said. “I am reliant on your generosity.” 

Valkyrie made a noise that wasn’t quite a laugh. Steve had to agree with her. The last thing this guy was, he figured, was _generous._

God, but Steve wished he could punch him in the face.

“Hm,” the Collector said again. His eyes half closed. Steve braced himself for the _no,_ and found that despite the danger, he almost hoped for it. It would be better than making a deal with a slaver. But he just paused, and blinked lazily, and said, “I do not have it.” 

“You - what?” 

“There was an...incident,” the Collector said. “Significant damage was done to the premises as a result, and some of my items were...lost.” 

Loki’s expression tightened. “So you have no idea where the Reality Stone is,” he said flatly, and Steve’s heart sank.

The Collector blinked slowly, almost catlike. “Not at all,” he said. “I know precisely where it is.” 

Carol frowned. “But you haven’t retrieved it? Or sent someone to get it?” 

“No,” the Collector said. “I had not. It has not been at the top of my list, and I am...selective about who I hire.” 

Steve narrowed his eyes. “And we just happen to fit the bill.” 

“Indeed.” The Collector’s eyes lingered on Loki in a way Steve decidedly did not like. “And I will... _permit_ you to keep it for a time, as a loan. But I expect its return. If not...there are a great many bounty hunters on Knowhere. And there are not many Jotun sorcerers in the universe.”

Loki’s mouth tightened. “When Thanos is dealt with,” he said, “it shall be yours.” Steve tried not to grimace. He didn’t like the idea of giving this being anything that powerful. Not the kind of person he seemed to be. At least...at least Steve got the impression he didn’t want it to _use_ it. Just to own the damn thing.

That was better, Steve supposed, but he didn’t like _anything_ about this.

“Then we have a bargain,” the Collector said. “Augus!” The alien that had answered the door appeared, seemingly from nowhere. “Bring me a star chart of the Matano System.”

Valkyrie’s eyebrows shot up. “Matano? That’s a long ways from here.”

“I expect you will want to move swiftly, then, won’t you?” the Collector said. 

Steve couldn’t hold back. “Don’t you care?” he asked. “Don’t you _care_ that Thanos wants to destroy everything - that he’d kill you, if it suited him? Does that matter to you at all?” 

The Collector regarded him. “I have seen more than one would-be conquerer rise and fall,” he said. “I witnessed Thanos’s first war. The destruction that resulted was...unfortunate. Certainly, it matters. But if you are asking if it _distresses_ me...no.”

Steve took a deep breath, though he didn’t know exactly what he was going to say. Loki interrupted. “Steve,” he said, “go with Sigrún and Carol to prepare the ship. I will get the map.”

 _The ship?_ Steve thought, and immediately on its heels, _I’m not leaving you alone with him, not when he’s practically threatened twice to put you in one of those tubes._

Valkyrie’s grip on his arm tightened. “Sure,” she said. “We’ll do that. Meet you at the docks,” and she was pulling him bodily toward the door, despite his attempt to dig in his heels. Carol hesitated as well, then turned on her heel and strode after them. 

Valkyrie didn’t stop until they were out and the door closed behind them.

“What the _hell_ was that,” Steve said. “Are we really making a deal with - he keeps sentient beings like animals in a zoo!”

Valkyrie’s expression was grim. “Do we have a lot of options? He doesn’t even have the goddamn thing, so we can’t steal it. And we wouldn’t know where to go looking. I’m not counting on Thanos having the same handicap.”

Carol didn’t look happy, either. “So we don’t give it back,” she said. “Keep it. Hide it. Give it to someone else to protect.” 

“I wouldn’t suggest pissing off another Elder of the Universe,” Valkyrie said. “You already pissed off one, and he’s the one least likely to _do_ anything about it. This one...I think he’d love the chance to put Loki in one of those tanks.” 

“Which is exactly why we shouldn’t have left him alone in there,” Steve said.

“You were on the verge of doing something stupid,” Valkyrie said. “Which is why he told you to leave. Loki can handle himself. Besides...he wasn’t just trying to get rid of you. We’re going to need a ship.”

“And we’re going to get one of those how?” Carol said. “I’m not exactly flush.” 

“Steal it,” Valkyrie said bluntly. 

“What?” Steve said. 

“You heard me,” she said. “We’re short on time and money. If it makes you feel better, almost everyone on this station is into something illegal and probably immoral.”

It did make Steve feel better, a little. Though he still didn’t like anything about any of this. And he kept looking back in the direction of the Collector’s _museum,_ thinking worriedly of Loki.

Besides, he reminded himself, it wasn’t like he’d never boosted a car before. During the war, for sure. And since then twice that he could think of off the top of his head. He didn’t really have a high horse to stand on there. 

“What about you,” Valkyrie said to Carol. “Any arguments?” 

“No,” she said after a moment, though she sounded a little grudging. “No arguments.”

“Glad to hear it,” Valkyrie said. “Let’s go find a ship.”

* * *

Loki joined them after Valkyrie had spotted a ship she deemed appropriate. He glanced at it and said, “that’ll do. I have a location; it shouldn’t take us long to reach. A jump and a half.” 

“Shit,” Valkyrie said. “Lazy bastard, isn’t he?” 

“Indeed,” Loki said. His voice was flat, and it was difficult to say what he was thinking. “Shall we?” 

Stealing a spaceship was astonishingly easy; or at least, stealing this one was, with Valkyrie’s help. They left Knowhere without raising a fuss. “Is this going to come back to us later?” Steve asked. “When someone sends the - I don’t know, space cops after us?” 

“Honestly, odds are whoever had this ship stole it from someone else,” Carol said. 

“And the closest thing there are to any kind of intersystem ‘space cops,’” Loki said, “were the Nova Corps, and they aren’t exactly in a condition to pursue petty thieves right now.” 

That effectively ended conversation. After staring at Loki for a long while, Carol turned and went to the cockpit with Valkyrie, leaving Steve with Loki. 

Loki closed his eyes. “If you are angry about my dealing with the Collector,” he said, “I can understand. And I know I could have warned you about the...specifics of what he collects. But I feared if I did you might refuse outright to negotiate with him, and that was the safer option by far.”

Steve’s jaw shifted as he considered how to respond to that. “I am,” he said. “A little. But I get it. It seems like there aren’t any good options right now. I do wish you’d told me, so we could at least - talk about it.” He paused and said, “he wanted to - ‘collect’ you.”

Loki tipped his chin in a slight nod. 

“It’s despicable,” Steve said. “Him, the Grandmaster, Thanos...it seems like the bigger the universe gets the more power-hungry jackasses there are who don’t care about anyone but themselves, who don’t put any value on other peoples’ lives. There are enough of those on _Earth._ ”

Loki’s lips twisted. “It isn’t a uniquely human fault.”

“I kind of wish it were.” Steve rubbed his forehead. “Did you get any information about who has the Stone?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. “Enough that I’m not terribly concerned about fetching it. It’s a band of pirates - middle-tier raiders. I doubt they know what they have. If they did...they would be making a lot more noise.”

That made sense. He paused, and then said quietly, “and what if Thanos beats us there? Or has beat us there?” 

Something flickered through Loki’s eyes almost too quick to catch, but Steve knew what it was: fear. He mastered it quickly, though. “If he has,” Loki said, “then I doubt he will linger. And if he comes while we are there…” His throat bobbed. “Then we take the Reality Stone and run.”

Steve paused, but he had to say it. “If that happens,” Steve said, “we all go. Together. Nobody gets left behind. All right?”

Loki dipped his chin in a slight nod. “Steve,” he said lowly, and then stopped, and shook his head. “Nobody left behind. I understand.”

“Good,” Steve said vehemently, and hoped Loki heard _that means you._

“Jump point coming up,” Valkyrie said. “You might want to buckle in. It’s going to be bumpy. Try to wait to be sick until we’re through, though. Gravity gets kind of funny mid-jump.”

“Sounds like fun,” Steve said wryly, pulling up a smile from somewhere and directing it at Loki. Carol laughed. “How does it compare to travel by Bifrost?” 

“Better,” Valkyrie said, at the same time as Loki said, “worse.” Steve looked back and forth between them.

“Well, you’re about to find out for yourself,” Carol said. “Punch it, Val.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, Princess Sparklefists,” Valkyrie shot back, or Steve thought she did, but that must’ve been when they hit the jump.

He wasn’t sure if it was better or worse. At least he didn’t puke. 

“God,” he said faintly. “Did you say we have another one of those?” 

“Just half,” Valkyrie said, almost kindly. “It’ll be easier.” 

“No, it won’t,” Loki said. He was gripping the arm of the seat he’d taken like it might buck him off. Steve eyed him.

“Do you...not like flying?” 

Loki gave him a dirty look. “It isn’t my _favorite_ mode of transportation.”

Something about that was funny, and Steve couldn’t help a smile. “I didn’t know that.”

“It’s not something I advertise.”

“Second jump point,” Valkyrie said. “Brace yourself back there, Your Highness. Don’t want you to faint.” 

“Hilarious,” Loki said dryly. “You are the _pinnacle_ of wit.” 

Steve knew what this was - the kind of banter he was familiar with from the war, the laughing in the face of imminent death. But he couldn’t help but take comfort in it anyway.

* * *

The second jump wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t as bad as the first, either. It mostly felt like someone grabbed him somewhere behind his navel and _yanked_. Otherwise the flying was surprisingly smooth - no turbulence in space, Steve supposed. Still, despite the situation he couldn’t help but stare through the windows.

Space. He was traveling through space, on a spaceship, on the way to another planet. Sure, he’d used the Bifrost before, and maybe wherever Njörd had been holding them had been a spaceship, but this was different. For a moment he felt a keen sense of unreality. It passed, but the awe lingered.

He felt eyes on him and turned to see Loki watching, his gaze soft. One corner of his mouth tipped slightly upwards when their eyes met. 

“What?” he said. 

“Seeing it through your eyes makes it new again,” he said. “It _is_ beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Steve said. “It is.”

In all, the flight took less time than the trip from New York to Wakanda. Steve felt a bit of a pang and pushed it aside.

If anyone had asked Steve what a planet housing a pirate lair would look like, he probably would have described something like Dravis-P20. It wasn’t even actually a planet - a moon, rather, apparently terraformed centuries before and then abandoned. From space it looked red like Mars, though as they got closer Steve could see patches of green.

“Marshlands,” Valkyrie said when she saw him looking. “We’re going to try to avoid those. They don’t agree with anything that doesn’t have a chitinous exterior.” Steve opened his mouth to ask and decided it wasn’t the time, but he stored away the questions for later.

There _would_ be a later.

“What do we know about what to expect here?” he asked.

“Relatively little,” Loki said. “It’s unlikely they’ll have any weapons to reach us in orbit, but they will be armed. Fortunately,” he glanced at Carol, “we should have enough firepower to deal with them relatively easily before we even land. And we don’t need to worry about destroying the Reality Stone in doing so.”

Steve frowned slightly. “You’re saying we kill all of them. Without even giving them a chance to surrender?” 

Valkyrie frowned. “You’re getting sentimental about a gang of pirates?”

“No,” Carol said, just as Steve opened his mouth. “He’s right. We should at least give them the chance. If they’ve got any sense they’ll see they’re more than outgunned and back off. I’d rather not kill more people than necessary.” She paused and then said, eyes squarely on Loki, “and if it makes you feel better, strategically speaking we should save our energy for the bigger fight ahead.”

Loki’s lips twisted and he glanced away, but to Steve’s relief he subsided. He couldn’t quite help but be disquieted, a little, by the way Loki was behaving. First about the Collector, and now this. It was a ruthlessness he knew Loki had, but he hadn’t seen it in a long time. It was like it had subsided, sleeping, and now reawoken with a vengeance.

He didn’t like it.

“I’ll go,” Carol said into the silence. “I’m the one who can fly.” 

“Fair enough,” Valkyrie said after a brief second. “Don’t be shy about calling in backup if they’re not feeling accommodating, though.”

“If I need it,” Carol said with a cocky grin. Loki’s frown deepened, but he said nothing. 

Steve watched the streak of light that was Carol fly down toward the surface as they descended more slowly, then turned toward Loki. Whatever expression was on his face made Loki’s lips thin.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said. 

“Like what,” Steve said carefully.

“Like you are judging me,” Loki said. “I understand that you may not approve of our dealing with the Collector. And I understand your inclination to be merciful. But we do not have an abundance of time or options such that we can afford sentimentality.”

“It isn’t sentimentality,” Steve said. “Is it worth winning if it means doing things we can’t live with?”

Loki looked away, his nostrils flaring. “I can live with it.”

 _I believe that,_ Steve thought. _That’s what worries me._

“Guys,” Carol’s voice said, crackling over the calm, “something’s funny down here.”

Loki’s head snapped around and Steve tensed. “Funny how,” he said. 

“Well,” Carol said. “For one thing, I’m pretty sure someone got here before us. Or at least that’s what the dead bodies suggest.” 

_Shit,_ Steve thought, and by the stricken look on Loki’s face he was thinking the same thing. 

“Thanos?” Valkyrie said, before Steve could recover.

“I don’t think so,” Carol said. “They’re not _all_ dead. Not even half, I wouldn’t say.” She paused. “No, I think someone else is here. At a guess, looking for the same thing we are.”

“Suppose it’s too much to hope this is internecine pirate warfare,” Valkyrie said unhappily.

“Land this ship,” Loki said, his voice almost vibrating. “Now.”

She brought the ship down, the landing smoother than most airplanes Steve had flown. Almost immediately Loki was heading for the door. “Hey,” Steve started to say. “Maybe we should hold off and-”

He was already gone onto the planet surface. Steve glanced at Valkyrie, who spread her hands. 

“Don’t look at me like I know how to deal with him,” she said. “You’re the expert, aren’t you?”

Steve set his jaw and followed Loki out. They were nearby some kind of structure, something like a bunker. The air felt a little thin, but breathable - no worse than high mountains, and Steve’s body adjusted quickly. It was clear enough what Carol had meant, though - there were clear signs of a firefight, a few bodies on the ground, scorch marks on the side of the - Steve was going to just call it a bunker. Loki crouched down next to one of them and seemed to be studying the body.

“Great,” Valkyrie said. “That’s great.” 

“There’s one ship still here,” Carol said. “That’s not enough for the kind of force that’d be using a base this size, and there’s no sign of any wrecks. So either they left one of their ships here - expensive loss - or that ship belongs to someone else.” 

“Someone else who hasn’t left,” Loki said, straightening up. Valkyrie had one hand on the hilt of her sword and was looking around them, her eyes narrowed. Almost simultaneously she and Loki turned toward the bunker. 

“Voices,” Loki said, at the same time as Valkyrie said, “I hear people coming.”

Steve couldn’t hear anything, but he believed them. “Step back,” he said. “Get to cover-” Not that there was much cover to have. Maybe if they’d felt like going a few hundred yards for the marshland, but apparently that wouldn’t work anyway since none of them had _a chitinous exterior._

They moved back just the same, out of immediate sight of the door and whoever was going to come through it. Steve swung his shield off his back and braced himself, and _now_ he could hear footsteps, and someone talking, voice muffled but not exactly quiet. 

“--the damn thing, don’t we?” he thought he caught. “So far so-”

The door opened. The first thing Steve registered was the raccoon - followed closely by the - the word that came to mind was _Ent._ They weren’t alone, either; four others emerged as well. One of them looked human enough. The others were a man with greyish green skin overlaid with red patterns, naked to the waist; a woman with slightly too-large eyes and what looked like antennae bobbing above her head; and another woman with green skin and marks like scars on her face.

Loki’s eyes widened. Steve heard him hiss.

A dagger appeared in one of his hands and he flung it, even as his other hand wove a quick gesture that sent a whipcrack of force for the group in front of them - no, not the whole group, just the green-skinned woman with the marks on her cheeks. 

She dove out of the way almost too quick to see, rolling across the floor and back to her feet. The others’ weapons came out, but Loki was already in motion, launching himself at her - and then they were locked together. They moved almost too fast to see, too close for Steve to try to help; he was pretty sure if he got close he’d wind up injured. She was good, but Loki was stronger, and with a twist of his body he slammed her into the ground, on her back, one hand around her throat. One of the woman’s companions raised his gun and shot at Loki; he flung up his free hand and it ricocheted off a green barrier.

“ _Daughter of Thanos,_ ” Loki snarled, his voice almost unrecognizable, and Steve’s blood went cold. 

“Fuck,” Valkyrie said, her sword out of her sheath. Carol’s fists came up, glowing. Steve glanced back and forth between the five of them, trying to decide which to target first and leaning toward the one who looked human.

The woman thrashed where Loki had her pinned, one of her legs twisting. She must have managed to knee Loki somewhere sensitive, because he jerked back with a sharp sound and she scrambled to her feet and back. Even as Loki lurched to his she held up her hands and said, “Loki, wait - Peter, stand down.”

The man with the gun wavered, very slightly. Loki jerked to a halt, and then looked angry at himself for doing it, his lips curling back from his teeth in an almost animal snarl. 

“We have the Reality Stone,” she said, and Steve’s blood went cold. Valkyrie hissed, Carol swore in a language Steve didn’t recognize, and Loki froze. He didn’t even look like he was breathing.

“What the fuck is going on here, Gamora,” the creature that looked like a bipedal raccoon said. “You _know_ this guy?” 

Loki let out a strangled, coughing sort of laugh. “You could say that. Couldn’t you?”

 _Daughter of Thanos._ Steve tensed more, his stomach clenching. He could guess under what circumstances they’d met before.

Gamora - that must be her name - didn’t move, her hands still raised. Steve moved closer to Loki, ready to defend him, but...if they had the Reality Stone, they hadn’t used it. And they weren’t moving to attack, despite the fact that there was a trickle of blood running down Gamora’s temple and Valkyrie’s sword was still drawn.

“Go on, then,” Loki said, his voice thick and vicious. “Finish it. What are you waiting for?”

“She’s not here for him, asshole,” said the human with the gun. “She’s one of the Guardians of the fucking Galaxy.”

“The what?” Carol said, sounding incredulous. 

“The Guardians of the fucking Galaxy,” said the bulky gray-skinned man, more loudly, like he thought Carol might actually not have heard.

“It doesn’t matter,” Gamora said. “Peter’s telling the truth. I deserted. Now he’s on the move - but if you’re here, I’m guessing you already know that.” 

“Deserted,” Loki said, dripping with doubt and derision. “His _favorite_ daughter.”

Her face tightened. “Do you think I _wanted_ that? Thanos killed my planet. Annihilated my people. And now he intends to do worse. I don’t belong to him now any more than you do.”

There was a wild, half-feral look in Loki’s eyes. “I have _never,_ ” he said, voice raw, “ _belonged_ to him. Not like you.” 

“Hey!” said the man with the gun, Peter. “You don’t know anything about her-”

“I daresay I know more than you.” Loki’s fingers twisted at his sides, green writhing around his hands, twisting up his arms, and Steve wasn’t sure he was even aware of it. His shoulders rose and fell with his breathing.

But...Steve had a feeling she was telling the truth. And based on the fact that Loki wasn’t attacking, Steve guessed he thought so too.

“Do you believe her?” Carol asked him in a low voice. Steve hesitated. 

“We’re on the same side,” Gamora said. A visible shudder ran through Loki’s body. 

“If we’re not going to fight them for the Reality Stone,” Valkyrie said, “and that doesn’t seem likely to go well - there’s not much we can do other than trust them, is there? And it seems like a positive sign that they haven’t tried to kill us. Despite you giving your best shot to kill one of them.” 

“You have it,” Loki said after a long silence. Gamora jerked her head in a short nod. “And what do you intend to do with it?” 

They glanced at each other. “We haven’t gotten there yet,” said one of them who hadn’t previously spoken, the curiously insectoid looking woman with the antennae. Peter looked like he wanted to scowl.

“Why,” he said. “Do _you_ have an idea?”

“Yes,” Carol said. “Actually, we do. And we could probably use the extra hands.” Loki’s head whipped around to stare at her, which she ignored. “Since you seem like at least...competent fighters. And _she’s_ actually good.”

“ _Hey,_ ” said the raccoon-looking person. “Who’re you, anyway?”

“Carol Danvers,” she said. “Ex-Starforce.”

“Oh, _well_ then,” he muttered. 

“There is a difference,” Loki said, his voice strained, “between a _truce_ and _trust._ ”

“I’m not letting any potential allies walk away because of your personal grudge,” Carol said levelly. “Unless you think we can afford that?” 

Loki’s jaw tightened and he looked like he might explode. The writhing green crept further up his arms, and Valkyrie’s gaze flicked down; Steve saw her tense. He stepped closer to Loki and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Loki,” he said quietly. 

“I would not ask you to ally with Brock Rumlow,” Loki said. His voice was low enough that Steve doubted anyone else could hear him. “She wasn’t the only one. But I remember her knife.”

It was nothing Steve hadn’t known, or guessed. But if his stomach clenched at Rumlow’s name, he felt sick at the rest of what Loki said. He glanced toward Gamora, thinking _if we work with them, Loki’s going to see it as a betrayal. If we don’t…_

“If you’re trying to gather the Stones,” Gamora said abruptly, “to use them...you’re missing one.” 

Loki’s body went rigid. “Oh?” he said, voice trying too hard to be calm.

Gamora’s gaze was steady. “I know where the Soul Stone is.”

The silence that fell was profound. Based on the way her own teammates were staring at her, Steve guessed they hadn’t known that either. The hostility had even left Loki’s face, replaced by surprise. “Is that why you,” Peter started to say, and then stopped. 

“Where,” Loki said. Gamora shook her head. 

“The fewer people know, the better,” she said. “But we could...give you the Reality Stone. And when we have the last one…what _is_ your plan?”

“Build an Infinity Gauntlet- even an incomplete one - before he does,” Loki said. “Then erase Thanos and his armies from the universe for good.” His voice was hard and cold as steel.

“Simple,” the raccoon said after a moment. “Straightforward. You know, I kind of like it. Don’t like _you,_ but…”

“What is that?” the woman with the antennae asked, pointing skyward. Steve turned, his stomach already sinking. His breath caught in his throat. There was a massive ship looming into view over the horizon.

“Oh, fuck,” Valkyrie said. Loki’s face went white, his mouth opening as he shrank back physically. Carol inhaled through her teeth.

“Is that-” Steve said, desperately hoping the answer was no even if he already knew it wasn’t. 

“It’s him,” said Gamora quietly. 

Loki’s jaw worked. “Go,” he said. 

Steve rounded on him, but Loki didn’t even glance in his direction, his eyes fixed upward. “Gamora,” he said, voice faint, “take your team and leave, _now._ Take the Aether. Get the Soul Stone. And go to Earth - Terra. We’ll…” his eyes slid sideways, barely, to Steve. “We’ll buy you some time.”

Steve’s stomach lurched into his throat. Valkyrie’s head swiveled toward him, a look on her face that clearly said _I didn’t agree to a suicide mission._ Gamora hesitated. 

“He’s right,” Carol said harshly. “We can’t afford to have the knowledge of this - Soul Stone’s location fall into Thanos’s hands. Not to mention _another_ one of those things. None of _us_ knows. And if anyone follows...you’ll need your people.” She rolled her shoulders back and cracked her neck. “Besides...I’ve been dying to get a crack at this asshole.”

Gamora took two sharp breaths. “ _Go,_ ” Loki snarled again. A ship was coming out of the larger one - no, two. “ _Now,_ before they can ground your vessel.”

Steve’s mouth was dry and his heart was pounding. “Gamora,” said Peter lowly, and she jerked her head in a short nod, then pivoted on her heel. 

“I am sorry,” Loki said, his voice faint. 

“He probably won’t kill us all,” Valkyrie said grimly. “Not without knowing what we know.” 

“He’ll want me,” Loki said. “The rest of you could still-”

“No,” Steve said loudly, before he could finish the thought. “If we’re going to give them time, then we’re going to put up a fight.”

“Then we put up a fight,” Carol said, and propelled herself into the air. Steve opened his mouth to shout after her, but she was already rocketing into the stratosphere up toward one of the descending ships. 

It got harder to feel like he could criticize when she smashed through the ship like it was made of paper. 

Valkyrie whistled. “Well, shit,” she said, sounding impressed. “Glad we brought her along.” She’d drawn her sword, Steve saw. He watched Carol pivot above them, looking toward the big ship like she was going to smash through it next. 

Then, like someone had snatched her by the scruff of the neck, she went flying, crashing back down to the ground. Seemingly out of thin air, a third ship rippled into view, descending rapidly through the atmosphere. 

A door opened in the side and a creature - being - stepped out into air. “You have one chance,” he said, voice clear and loud, carrying far more than it should have, “to-”

Carol launched back into the air with a snarl. “Fuck that,” she snarled, already powering up to fire; he made a gesture, throwing a portion of the ship she’d already ripped apart into her.

And of course, he wasn’t alone, and there were more ships coming, and the looming shadow of the big one descending further, slow and seemingly inexorable. Several ships had now been diverted toward Carol, focusing on her, clearly keeping her busy, and all Steve could do, trapped on the ground, was hold and wait. 

He wished he’d brought a gun, even if he suspected it wouldn’t do much good here. 

Loki murmured something under his breath, raised his hands, and flung something that looked like a snake at the telekinetic whose feet were now on the ground. His head snapped around and he raised a hand, deflecting it; Steve saw Loki’s slight flinch before he stopped himself. 

“Look who it is,” the telekinetic said. Loki snarled and vanished from Steve’s side, stepping out of the air to appear next to the alien and lashing out, a knife in one hand and magic in another. Steve started to move to aid him only to dodge a spear flung in his direction; he looked up and saw a figure jump out of a descending ship, dropping thirty feet to land in a crouch on the ground. They raised a hand and Steve flung himself to the side, the spear - no, trident - zipping over his head. 

“Here we go,” Valkyrie said. She didn’t quite shove him out of the way, but she was covering the ground fast. Another figure joined the first, only seconds behind, and Steve followed, heart pumping, cutting in just in time to catch the blade swinging for Valkyrie’s back.

The two of them were fast - as fast as Loki, and almost as strong. The one with the trident was pale with a black forehead and curving horns; the other had a long, pointed face and red eyes and wielded a two-bladed glaive. He and Valkyrie were holding them off but they were pinned down, and Steve didn’t dare look to see what Loki was doing, or Carol. Valkyrie almost took the horned one’s head off with one swing; she darted back and that was how Steve learned her trident could fire energy blasts. Steve deflected one off his shield; another knocked Valkyrie back, though she rolled back up to her feet looking more pissed off than hurt. 

Behind them, the ship they’d jumped from landed. Ten - no, fifteen _somethings_ surged out: six-armed, black with armor-looking skin and heads more jaws than anything else. “Shit!” Valkyrie said. “Steve-”

But Loki had already appeared, his hands fanning out, wrists twisting, and the first five creatures died in bloody shreds. Steve, momentarily distracted, almost took the glaive in his gut, just managing to catch it on his shield and pivot, slamming a fist into the back of his opponent’s head. It didn’t seem to do much. 

There were too few of them. An invisible force grabbed Steve and threw him; he managed to hit the ground and roll back up but he was pinned down by the grinning telekinetic, at least until Loki cut off his attack on the six-armed creatures to fling a knife in his direction that seemed to catch him by surprise. Steve caught a spray of blood, the pressure let up, and he was back on his feet, but one of the creatures was on Loki, then another. Steve ran toward him, throwing his shield so it hit one of them in the head with a nasty crunch. It collapsed, and Loki had the other one pinned down, slashing a knife across its throat. He was back on his feet by the time Steve reached him, panting, and if he was bloody, pale, and wild-eyed, he didn’t seem badly hurt. 

“Steve,” he said, then he turned, and froze. Steve looked with him.

Out of the ship that had disgorged the two warriors and the monsters stepped two more figures. The one was built like the Hulk and held an enormous scythe. The other...

For the first time, Steve saw the being he’d only known by name. Who had seemed sometimes almost like a bogeyman. But here he was, towering eight feet tall, purple-skinned and armored. The expression on his face was...bored. On one massive fist he wore a golden glove; on one of the knuckles gleamed what looked like an amethyst. Steve didn’t think it was.

“Loki,” Thanos said. “I have been wondering when you would show your face.”

Loki’s skin had gone from white to ashen and he looked fixed in place, unable to move. That was fine. Steve moved for him. 

He threw his shield, aiming so it struck the side of Thanos’s head. It bounced off like hitting a wall, but at least Thanos looked toward him as Steve caught it again. It took his attention off Loki, at least for a second. 

“I remember you,” Thanos said, and a little jolt went through Steve - _remember me?_

“Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure,” Steve said through gritted teeth. He didn’t dare look away to see where Carol was, or Valkyrie.

“Not face to face,” Thanos said. Steve’s stomach lurched as he realized what he was referencing ( _he can find me when I sleep_ ), but he caught himself as Thanos started to raise his gloved hand, the purple stone starting to glow, and threw up his shield, bracing himself.

The force of the power that slammed into it knocked him back, jarring his arms back in their sockets, and Steve felt something crack. 

“Steve, down!” Loki shouted, and he dropped. Steve caught a brief green shimmer before the air around Thanos ignited with a dull _boom._

When the dust cleared, Thanos looked unscathed, and the Hulk-sized alien was charging at Steve.

Steve had never fought the Hulk. He wasn’t at all sure he could handle this one. Before he could figure out his move, though, a streak of gold slammed into him from the side. Apparently Carol had dealt with her problem, or at least managed to dodge it. Steve got out of the way and looked for Valkyrie (still engaged with the pair of fighters). Loki wasn’t next to him anymore. He’d moved again, was still moving, flickering in and out and striking at Thanos, who was laughing. Steve started toward him but the woman with the trident had broken away from Valkyrie and shot at him, forcing his focus back to her.

He’d lost track of the telekinetic. Steve didn’t see all of what happened - just the telekinetic next to Loki, Loki twisting toward him but too slowly to keep him from touching the side of Loki’s head.

Loki went down, crumpling bonelessly to the ground. Steve screamed, throwing his shield at the alien, but he deflected it with a wave of his hand; dodging out of the way of another energy blast. “Carol!” he shouted. “Valkyrie! We need-” He didn’t know what he was going to say. They needed to get out of here. Use Jane’s Bifrost and-

Steve had been hit by a car before. He’d jumped 17 stories with nothing but a shield to break his fall. He’d been beaten half to death and then dropped into a river. 

Whatever it was that hit him, Steve didn’t even feel it happen. One minute he was up, running, screaming for their backup. 

The next - nothing at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a chapter I've been very excited to share for a while. Either my favorite or second favorite in this fic, I think. Y'all know where we are already with the shit hitting the fan, and the shit, as you may have noticed, has well and truly hit the fan.
> 
> This is the chapter where the "torture" tag comes into play, so...content warning for that, though it's nothing terribly gory. Additional warning at the end of the chapter because of spoilers, but if you're concerned...it's there.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for following along on this ride, and all your comments week over week. I treasure them, and you. I am just the luckiest fic writer with the best readers. 
> 
> We're past the halfway point now, friends. On your mark, get set...

Steve woke with his entire body throbbing. It felt like all his bones had been shattered and put back together, his body ripped apart and reassembled. His head was in a vice and the idea of moving made him want to curl up and pass out again.

He wasn’t dead.

In this case, that somehow didn’t seem to bode well. 

Steve opened his eyes slowly. He didn’t seem to be restrained, but he was in a small, hexagonal chamber lit by dim, bluish light. The material of the wall looked metallic, and Steve eyed the door, wondering if he could break through. There was no sign of his shield, though at least he was still wearing his clothes. 

There was no sign of Loki, either. 

Steve controlled his breathing with an effort. It didn’t mean anything, he told himself. Loki might just be in another cell somewhere. Hell, he might have gotten away - that would be a reason to keep Steve alive, as leverage to get him to come back. 

If that was the case, hopefully the others would be able to stop him from doing it.

He couldn’t quite make himself believe it, though. No - Loki was here, somewhere, and Steve prayed to _God_ he was still alive. 

Thanos wouldn’t kill him. Not without getting the Space Stone out of him, and Loki wouldn’t...he wouldn’t give it up easily. 

Steve hated that he was hoping Loki was being tortured, but that would be better than dead. All they had to do was hold out, and either someone would come for them or…

Or more likely, they’d die. But better that then...better that than everyone else. Better that than Thanos gaining the Tesseract.

Steve just had to pray that when Thanos started hurting him, Loki wouldn’t give. 

He made a try at standing up, but his body screamed at him for making the attempt and he stayed where he was. He hoped Carol and Valkyrie had made it out. He hoped Gamora and her team were already on their way to Earth, two more of the Infinity Stones in hand. He hoped…

Steve pressed his face against the cold floor. He was running a little short on hope, no matter how much he tried to tell himself that this was far from the worst that could happen. That maybe they would still get out. Loki was smart, and resourceful, and so was he. They’d both gotten out of plenty of tight spots before. 

Still aching with the force of what must have been the Power Stone, Steve didn’t feel like he could even convince himself.

Steve managed to push himself up to sitting and scooted back to where he could lean against one of the walls, watching the door. He didn’t have to watch all that long before he heard footsteps coming closer. Steve braced himself, shoving away the pain and readying himself to spring. 

A lock disengaged and the door opened. Steve propelled himself off the wall and lunged - or started to, only to slam into an invisible barrier. The telekinetic he remembered seeing during the fight stood before him, tall and thin, a flat expanse where Steve would have expected a nose, a wide mouth, hands folded behind his back. He seemed...amused.

“Your struggles are futile,” he said. “You ought to be pleased, Steve Rogers. You are a valuable part in the Great Titan’s plan.”

Steve backed away from the barrier, his hands clenching into fists. His body was screaming at him, but he was used to pain; he ignored it. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m real flattered. Let me go and I’ll go and tell him myself how happy I am.”

The alien did not smile, but the aura of amusement instensified. “I can see how...some...might find your bravado endearing,” he said, obviously untroubled. “As it happens, the Great Titan has indeed expressed a wish to see you.”

“What if I don’t wish to see him,” Steve said, because he couldn’t help it, and because that amusement was pissing him off. “Is that an option?” He wanted to ask about Loki, but he thought they probably wanted him to, and he wasn’t going to give them the pleasure.

“No,” he said. “I am afraid it is not.” He gestured and metal peeled away from the wall, two strips snapping around his wrists and then yanking his hands together in front of him. Steve tried to resist, twisting, but the metal was tight to skin and the force immovable. Then the barrier vanished and Thanos’s man turned his back. Steve coiled to attack but that same invisible force jerked him forward like an invisible leash tied to the cuffs. He stumbled, but righted himself quickly, gritting his teeth. 

He tried to map their path as they went, building a sense of the ship’s layout. It was eerily quiet - Steve would have expected the sounds of an army preparing for battle, but mostly he could just hear their footsteps echoing on metal. He was pulled up so that he was walking next to rather than behind his captor. 

“You haven’t asked about your companions,” he observed. 

“I figured you’d tell me,” Steve said flatly. He thought he’d have said if they’d been killed. Gloat. At least that probably meant that Carol and Valkyrie were still alive, and Loki…

Steve didn’t think he’d be alive if Loki was dead.

Ahead of them he could see the hallway opening into a larger room, and his heart started to beat faster. He kept any anxiety off his face, though, determined not to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing him afraid. 

The first thing Steve noticed was that Loki wasn’t there. His stomach twisted into a knot, but he made himself focus on the seat at the center of the room occupied by Thanos. He wasn’t wearing his armor now, and his gaze as Steve was pulled forward was cold and indifferent. 

He held up a hand, and the invisible leash yanked Steve to a halt. His face twitched but he forced himself to stand straight, defiant and proud. _Where’s Loki,_ he wanted to ask. _What have you done to him,_ but he stayed silent.

“What sort of man fights with a shield?” Thanos asked, after several moments.

“I do,” Steve said. Thanos’s lips curled in a terrible sort of smile. 

“It is an...interesting choice.” 

“Did you just bring me here to make small talk?” Steve said. “Cause if that’s it...I’d rather go back to my cell.” 

The telekinetic hissed and raised a hand. “You will not speak to the Great Titan with such disrespect,” he said.

“Hold, Ebony Maw,” Thanos said. “That won’t be necessary. I thought to be...polite. But if you would sooner forgo courtesy, so be it.” He paused. “You are of Terra, correct?” 

Steve said nothing. Thanos did not seem troubled. “What do you know of the location of the Space Stone?”

 _Loki didn’t tell him. Or he doesn’t know._ “I have no idea.” 

Again that terrible smile. “Don’t you?” 

_No,_ Steve thought. _No._ He kept his stare steady, though, despite the burning in his chest. “No. I don’t.”

“Interesting,” Thanos said. “Considering that the company you keep says otherwise.”

Steve’s mouth went dry and he was certain he did not manage to hide his reaction. He thought of Loki waking up screaming, shaking for a long time afterwards and huddled into himself to make a smaller target. And that was years after the fact. His stomach clenched and before Steve could stop himself he was saying, “whatever you’ve done to him I’m going to make _damn_ sure we give back to you, _where is he._ ”

“You are not in a good position to make either threats or demands,” Thanos said.

Steve’s hands clenched into fists. “I don’t give a fuck what position you think I’m in or not in,” he said. “ _What have you done to Loki._ ”

Thanos blinked slowly. “Should you not be more concerned about what I may do to you?”

Steve set his jaw. “Answer the question.” 

Thanos seemed to be considering. At last he leaned back and said, “You want to know what I have done to Loki? Why don’t you ask him yourself.” His head turned, slightly, and he said, “go on, then.”

The air shimmered, and a curtain fell away. There, on his knees with his hands bound behind his back, was Loki. He looked battered, bruised and stained with blood, but he was, more or less, in one piece. Or at least - at least he looked that way.

“ _Loki,_ ” Steve said in a rush of breath. “Loki, are you-” he glanced at Thanos, then gave up. There was no point in pretending not to care. “Are you all right?” Loki’s jaw tightened, then relaxed. Thanos, Steve thought, looked amused. 

“Never better,” Loki said, his voice tight. Steve wouldn’t have expected him to say anything else, regardless of whether or not it was the truth, but just hearing his voice did him a world of good. However beat up he looked, he sounded clear enough. “Have you considered my offer, my lord?”

Steve blinked, feeling momentarily as though he’d been slapped. He managed to recover himself, though, or tried; Loki was in the middle of something, clearly, some kind of plan, and he just had to try not to ruin it without knowing the game he was playing. He wished he could catch Loki’s eye, get some kind of cue...but Loki apparently trusted him not to need one.

“What offer,” he said. Loki’s eyes slid toward him and then away. He was tense, rigid, his bruised face impossible to read. 

“You were an audacious creature when I found you,” Thanos said. “I see you haven’t lost the quality.” He wasn’t looking at Steve anymore, but at Loki. “Your companion has offered to give me the Tesseract, which he claims to possess.” 

“What?” Steve said blankly, before he could stop himself. 

“I do not _claim,_ ” Loki said, sounding almost indignant. “The Tesseract is mine, and without my cooperation you will never have it.” He still wasn’t looking at Steve. _Tell me you’re not serious,_ Steve thought. _Show me you have a plan._

“So you say,” Thanos said. “Though you’ve given me no proof. And without the ability to examine your mind to assess your truthfulness directly...”

“I told you,” Loki said. “The creature that bears the Mind Stone seems to have done something to me that prohibits - such access.” His voice wavered slightly, and Steve wondered how that test had gone. As well as a wash of relief that whatever Vision had done, it had worked.

“You claim,” Ebony Maw said coolly.

“I have held back for obvious reasons,” Loki said, ignoring him. “Without assurance of my safety, the moment I give you what you want you will kill me. I am not terribly interested in that outcome.”

“Loki,” Steve said, “what’re you doing,” not under any illusion that he’d get a straight answer but at least hoping he’d get _something_ to work with. 

“Negotiating,” Loki said. His eyes stayed on Thanos. 

“I could just threaten him,” Thanos said casually. “Your...Steve Rogers. I am sure Proxima would be delighted to have a new toy to play with.” 

Steve set his jaw, but Loki spoke before he could, voice dismissive. “You could,” he said, “but while it would be a pity to lose him...I value my own head a little more.”

He shouldn’t have been relieved, but he was. But if Loki had a plan...that still didn’t mean it was a good one. And Steve still didn’t have any idea what it was. 

And a moment later, realizing _why_ he was so sure, Steve felt a little ill. Because he knew, all too well, how little Loki valued his head, especially compared to Steve’s.

“And what confidence am _I_ meant to have that you can, or will, deliver what you have promised?” Thanos asked. “You did betray me once before.”

“That’s such a _strong_ way of putting it,” Loki said. “Failed, certainly. Betrayed - debatable.”

“Do not mince words with me, frostling.” Thanos’s voice remained bored, but there was just a touch of irritation now. “State your terms, then.”

“Release me, and the Captain,” Loki said. “Give me your oath that my past failures are forgiven, and that you will not kill me, or him. In return, I will gift you the Space Stone. And my service.”

“No,” Steve said. Loki’s eyes cut in his direction again and Steve could see the warning that briefly flashed through them, but he ignored it. He wanted to believe that Loki was just playing for time, but even if he was...he was taking a tremendous risk just making the offer. And a small part of Steve...wasn’t entirely sure he was playing for time. 

Wasn’t entirely sure that Loki wouldn’t give up the Tesseract to save their lives - to save _Steve’s_. And Steve _really_ doubted that Thanos would keep his word. Loki had to know that. Didn’t he?

Or did he just not see any other way out?

“It seems your lover disagrees,” Thanos said. “I thought you didn’t care for his safety.” 

“You are not bargaining with him. I said I cared more for mine,” Loki said. “But he still belongs to me.” 

“Loki,” Steve said. “Don’t do this. It’s a bad idea. He’ll never let you go, never let either of us live-”

“I keep my word when I give it, Captain Rogers,” Thanos said. He was still watching Loki, seeming thoughtful. “You offer your service. What use is that to me?” 

“You will be going to Midgard,” Loki said. “You will be facing its heroes. I know them. I know their weaknesses, their strengths. I know the Realm, and the best points of attack.” 

He was bluffing. He _had_ to be bluffing. But Steve couldn’t see it. He remembered Natasha saying once something about Loki throwing everyone else under the bus to keep Steve alive, but he hadn’t really thought-

No. He had to believe that there was something else going on. Had to have _faith._ But he couldn’t just keep his mouth shut. “You can’t actually be considering this,” he said. “What about Wanda? Or Bucky, or _Thor-_ ”

“Ebony Maw, silence him,” Thanos said, and Steve’s voice cut off midsentence as an invisible force clamped his jaw shut. To Loki, he said, “I could draw that knowledge from you by other means.” 

“But you still wouldn’t have the Tesseract,” Loki said. 

“You did not hold so well against my childrens’ ministrations before.”

Loki twitched. Barely, but Steve still caught it: a slight flinch, a brief tightness by his eye before he smoothed it away. “That was then,” he said. “You yourself, my lord, trained me better to endure. And I do not think you want to waste the time it would take.” 

“You have not answered why I should place any faith in you.”

Loki’s jaw worked. Steve strained against his bonds, searching for some kind of give. A hand rested on top of his head. “Stop your struggling,” said Ebony Maw quietly. “It will not avail you.”

“Because I am a coward,” Loki said at length, and his voice had changed. If he had sounded sure and calm before, now there was a heaviness, a weight, a faint tremor. “Because I do not want to die, and I know I cannot fight you. My choices are between pain and death and...and bowing to your will.” He bowed his head. “I learned the futility of fighting you when you first made me your tool. I am not such a fool to try again.” 

Steve wanted to shout at him, to say _something,_ but he couldn’t. All he could do was kneel where he was and watch, trying to believe that something else was going on, that Loki knew what he was doing, that he was playing some kind of game that Steve just couldn’t see. He wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ be actually planning to surrender, not now, not to Thanos who he _hated-_

And feared. And had always, always said they couldn’t beat. 

Thanos stood. He walked to Loki, reached out, and gripped his face, forcing his head back to meet Thanos’s eyes. 

“You are weak,” he said. “You always were. You were nothing more than a convenient tool.” He paused. “But perhaps you can be one again.”

Steve saw Loki swallow, the raw terror creeping across his face, seemingly out of his control. “I can, my lord.”

“Very well,” he said. “I will not kill you, Laufeyson. You may serve me, until such time as you die.” He released Loki. “The Space Stone.” 

“And him,” Loki said, gesturing at Steve. “I asked…”

“He,” Thanos said, “does not go free. I do not make the mistake of trusting you, Loki. Consider him a bond to your good behavior.”

Steve tried to shake his head, but Ebony Maw’s fingers tightened on his skull, holding him in place. He tried to use his eyes, but Loki wasn’t looking at him. “But he lives,” Loki said.

“So long as you keep your word.” Steve saw Loki’s shoulders slide down. “The Space Stone,” Thanos repeated, holding out a hand. “Give it to me.”

Loki licked his lips. “I need my magic,” he said.

“Very well.” He made a gesture, and Ebony Maw released Steve and crossed to Loki, whose eyes flicked to him, following his movements and tensing, leaning slightly away. Ebony Maw simply unlocked the bindings on his wrists, though, and Steve saw Loki take a deep breath. They must have been binding his magic as well as his hands. Hoping that the distraction would have weakened his own restraints, Steve tried again to free himself, or at least speak, but to no effect. 

He was trapped. Helpless. Watching mutely as Loki rubbed his wrists and then brought his hands up, making that complicated gesture and drawing the Tesseract out of seemingly thin air. 

_No,_ Steve thought. _It’s a trick. It’s some kind of trick._

Thanos took the cube and raised it to eye level. He turned it around, slowly, and smiled. 

“Well done, Loki,” he said. “Late, but...at last you have done as you promised.” 

“I live to serve,” Loki said. It sounded faint.

“You do now.” Thanos turned toward Steve, examined him, and said, “and the first thing you will do for me is accompany Ebony Maw and Captain Rogers. We will discuss the other information you possess later.”

Loki tensed. “Accompany them where?” 

Thanos’s smile, Steve thought, was a terrifying thing. “I am accepting your service, and giving you a reprieve from the pain you deserve for prior failure,” he said. “But that does not mean you escape punishment entirely. You are useful, for now, so I will spare your body the damage. But he is not.”

Loki’s eyes widened. “You said-”

“I said,” Thanos said, “that I would not have him killed. That is all to which I agreed.”

Steve closed his eyes, though only for a moment before he opened them and fixed his glare on Thanos. _I’m going to kill you,_ he thought. _I’m going to watch you die. I don’t know how, but I am._

“Surely,” Thanos said, when Loki didn’t move, “that will not be a problem. Or are you already wavering in your obedience?”

Loki’s head turned toward Steve. The look on his face hurt, but Steve just looked back at him. _Tell me,_ he wanted to say. _Tell me what you’re thinking, tell me what’s going on, tell me this isn’t what it looks like._

“No,” Loki said after a moment. “No. Of course not, my lord.” 

The last thing Steve saw of Thanos before Ebony Maw dragged him out of the throne room, Loki trailing behind, was him crushing the Tesseract, extracting a small blue stone from its center, and gazing at it with utter satisfaction.

* * *

It felt like he was being brought down into the belly of the beast. Steve’s mind spun, trying to think of a way out. Would Carol and Valkyrie be able to follow them? _Would_ they, knowing the risk that it would just get them both killed, that he and Loki might not even still be alive? _Were_ they still alive? Steve thought so, probably, but - he couldn’t be sure, could he?

What did Loki think he was doing?

Steve snuck a look at him over his shoulder, but he couldn’t read Loki’s expression except the tension and the fact that his face was almost empty of color. He’d been here before, Steve realized. Maybe walked this same way, facing the same fate. 

They were going to torture him. That much was obvious. Steve tried not to think about what that was going to look like, knowing that would just make it worse, but he couldn’t suppress the dread that was sour in his stomach, his heart beating too hard. 

“This is familiar, isn’t it, Loki,” Ebony Maw said silkily. “But this time...this time it is not you suffering for your shortcomings. Perhaps this human, too, can be convinced of our lord’s cause.”

Steve looked away from Loki to glare at Ebony Maw. _Not on your goddamn life._

“That isn’t your charge,” Loki said. He almost managed to keep his voice steady. 

“No,” Ebony Maw said. “Though he may wish it was.” Steve’s stomach clenched but he kept his expression blank, focused on his anger. 

They stopped at last, Ebony Maw opening a door with a few taps of his inhumanly long fingers. “After you,” he said to Loki. “Take him inside.” 

Loki’s eyes flicked from the door to Steve. Steve tried to read something there, but Loki looked away too quickly. His grip on Steve’s arm was gentle, though, guiding him into the room. Steve felt something brush against his thoughts, heard, barely a whisper, _trust me. Please._

It was all Steve could do not to jump and look toward Loki, who wasn’t looking at him, his face set and his shoulders rising and falling with too-quick breaths. But it had been him. Steve was sure. 

Pretty sure. Could it have been Ebony Maw, trying to trick him? 

No. He had to believe it was Loki. And trust him that he knew what he was doing. 

He wished he thought that meant Loki was going to get him out of this room unharmed, though he doubted that was going to be the case. He was just going to have to knuckle down and - endure. He could do that. Wasn’t anything he hadn’t done before. 

_Keep telling yourself that, Rogers._

The room itself was bleak. The same dark metal as the rest of the ship. The only thing in it was a chair that reminded him of nothing so much as what he’d seen in dentists’ offices, though the metal restraints were unusual. Steve’s eyes skated around the edges, expecting to see something else, but it was just the chair, and somehow that was worse. He broke out into a cold sweat and twisted his hands, the metal edges digging into his skin. He felt a rough edge rip in, and the damp of blood underneath.

 _No,_ Steve thought. He wasn’t going to go along with this. Wasn’t going to walk into it like a sheep in a slaughterhouse. 

He tore free of Loki - it didn’t take much - and pivoted, barreling into Maw, using his shoulders to knock him back against the door and slamming his forehead into his. He yanked again at the metal cuffs, this time not trying to break free but just to tear his hands out, even if he wrecked them-

Cold fingers touched his temple, and he _felt_ the reach into his head before it just-

-shut him off.

At least, that was what Steve assumed had happened. It seemed like he’d just blinked and now was strapped into the chair. He could still feel that _touch,_ though, at once invasive and impersonal. His eyes found Loki’s, who was standing a few feet away, his hands too still at his sides.

“If you cannot control your pet,” Ebony Maw said, “we will have to reevaluate his status.” 

Loki’s expression spasmed. Steve’s jaw was still locked closed but he turned his eyes toward Ebony Maw and hoped his loathing was clear enough. Ebony Maw just seemed amused, and Steve thought, _wait and see, you bastard. We’re going to bring you all down._

They would. They had to. Just because he didn’t see how at the moment-

“I can control him,” Loki said at length. 

“Good,” Ebony Maw said. He glided over to Loki, around his back, and laid a hand on his shoulder. Loki tensed, his nostrils flaring, but he didn’t move otherwise. “You would not want to give our master any reason to question your obedience, would you?” 

Loki said nothing, but perhaps that was answer enough. Ebony Maw moved away from him to stand beside Steve, barely a foot away - easily within arm’s reach, if Steve could have moved his arms. He imagined, violently vivid, tearing loose, reaching out, and breaking his neck. 

Ebony Maw steepled his fingers and looked down at Steve with that odd, dispassionate, amusement. “Now, Loki,” he said, “you will begin.” 

Loki jerked, and Steve jerked with him, a horrible sort of understanding starting to burn in his stomach. Of course, he thought. Thanos wanted proof of Loki’s _dedication_. “Begin what,” Loki said tightly. 

“His punishment,” Ebony Maw said. “And yours.” The force keeping his jaw closed released and Steve worked it side to side before speaking, his heart beating hard.

“What,” he said to Ebony Maw, “afraid you can’t handle me? Or are you just scared to get your hands dirty?”

Ebony Maw ignored him. “Oh, Loki,” he said, almost a croon. “You didn’t think you were just going to be a witness, did you?”

Steve glanced at Loki, whose lips had gone white, his jaw tightening. Steve could see him thinking - the flick of his eyes toward Ebony Maw, very briefly, a twitch of his fingers. On the point of turning, changing tactics, attacking, and even if he killed Ebony Maw they would still be prisoners, still trapped with no way of getting home, and Steve wasn’t leaving Thanos with the Tesseract. He couldn’t. 

“Loki,” he said hoarsely, “it’s all right.” 

It wasn’t. Nothing about this was. He didn’t know what Loki thought he was doing, what his plan was, if there _was_ a plan or if he was just making it up as he went along trying to keep them both alive. But the least Steve could do was...was to try to trust him. 

Whatever Loki might do, Steve thought grimly, couldn’t be worse than what Ebony Maw would. 

Ebony Maw turned his cold gaze toward Steve. His skin crawled and he could feel the _push_ against his mind and tried to hold firm, imagining walls in place to keep him out. “How generous of you to say so,” he said. 

Steve tried to focus on Loki, watching his face. His eyes locked on Steve’s and Steve felt a chill realizing that he couldn’t read his expression. 

“Very well,” he said, voice cold and empty. “Have you instruction, or do I have license to be - _creative?_ ”

Steve tried to control his breathing, his fear, trying to brace himself for anything. _Make it good, Loki. But not too good._

His thoughts pulled toward a sterile chamber, Hydra scientists poking and prodding, trying to break him down, and Steve yanked them away. _Steady, soldier._

Ebony Maw laid a hand on Loki’s shoulder. “Go on. Impress me.”

Loki twitched like he wanted to shrug free, but just stepped forward and laid a hand on Steve’s forehead. For a moment it was just his palm, cool and familiar, and he was looking up at Loki’s green-grey eyes hollow and empty of feeling.

Then Loki slammed into his mind like a battering ram and Steve was falling.

* * *

_He was watching his mom die in a dark, cramped room, no money for medicine and she just kept getting weaker and weaker and Steve held her hand as she coughed up blood, and one day she stopped coughing. Steve couldn’t sleep the first few nights after. It was too quiet._

Pain. Like in the metal coffin as he was transformed, and he thought he was going to die, but either he was going to die or going to make it through and he’d finally be able to do something, finally be able to _help._ He’d hung onto that, knowing it would end one way or another, but this - he didn’t know if this would end. 

_He was reaching, stretching out his arm as far as he could, his fingertips just inches from Bucky’s but he missed, he_ missed _and watched Bucky fall, disappearing into the snow. He’d let him down, let him die, and a chunk of Steve’s heart went with him._

It was Loki. Steve could feel that, feel _him,_ knew that it was Loki in his head and doing this to him, digging up every grief he’d ever felt, every pain, because he _knew them,_ knew exactly what would hurt most, and Steve had said _it’s all right_ but he wanted to take it back now. He was splitting at the seams and it was Loki’s familiar magic coiled around him like a snake, slowly constricting around his lungs.

_He needed to put the plane down. There wasn’t another choice, not another way to be sure (or maybe there was but he was too tired to find it). Peggy’s voice was on the radio and he could hear her trying not to cry, trying to be strong, and she was strong, stronger than him for sure. He tried to think about the people that were going to live, but all he could think about was the water. He’d almost drowned once as a kid. He remembered the burning in his lungs. Maybe the crash would kill him first._

_Peggy. God. He wished he’d had more time._

He wasn’t going to beg. Steve’d learned this about torture: you set lines for yourself. Little things, small things to hold onto, _I won’t beg, I won’t say his name, I won’t._ Screaming was fine. He was already doing that. But he wasn’t going to beg. 

Because he was pretty sure that if he did ( _please, Loki, stop_ ), Loki would break. 

_He was with Sin as she tried to pull something out of him he couldn’t give. He was standing ten feet away from Bucky, Bucky looking at him, through him like he didn’t see Steve at all. He was with Rumlow, unable to curl away from the beating, unable to do anything but grit his teeth and hang on. “Heard some interesting things,” Rumlow said, pausing to catch his breath. “About you finding yourself a pet. Or is that the wrong way around? Are you his pet, Rogers?”_

_He was looking down on a lab, and in all the sterile metal and white the spot of red stood out, the body laid out on a metal table with its chest cracked open wide and Steve thought_ God, I’m too late _. And then he was standing next to Loki as he thrashed and snarled like an animal, eyes bright blood red and wild, terrified, no recognition, and Steve was trying not to look but he could see Loki’s heart beating–_

Loki tore away, ripping free of Steve’s mind, and he was gone. Steve tasted blood, and he wanted to be sick. 

Most of all, he felt like he’d been turned inside out, something raw and intimate exposed. His mind was shredded, something of himself in pieces. 

“You are an apt pupil, it seems,” Ebony Maw said through the ringing in Steve’s ears. He sounded pleased.

“I learned from the best.” Loki’s voice was utterly without feeling. Steve tried to force his eyes open, but his vision blurred and his stomach lurched violently. 

“And I see you were paying close attention.” Ebony Maw’s fingers were cold where they touched Steve’s temple and he tried to twist away with an inarticulate growl, but couldn’t get very far. “Though you didn’t need to stop.” 

“I am not you,” Loki said, and there was something abruptly harsh and vicious in his voice. “I do not _enjoy_ this. I deemed it to be enough-”

“I disagree,” Ebony Maw interrupted. He didn’t raise his voice, but Loki cut off like he’d shouted. Steve tried again to open his eyes, blinking rapidly, needing to at least be able to _see._ He was so - hideously vulnerable, and being literally in the dark just made it worse. 

Not that he could make out much with his eyes open, whatever was wrong with his vision not clearing well. He wanted Loki to look at him. He didn’t think he could meet his eyes.

_It could have been worse. It would have been worse, if he hadn’t…_

He wanted to be able to convince himself of that. But it didn’t erase the feeling of betrayal. 

“Disagree if you like,” Loki said. “I am not particularly interested in the good opinion of a bootlicking rat.”

Steve flinched at the harsh, bitten-off cry, and he could see Loki jerk back, looking like he was about to buckle before he caught himself. “Watch yourself,” Ebony Maw said. “Whether or not I can _read_ your mind...there is plenty we might do and still leave you useable.” He paused. “For now...it is clear you haven’t learned your lesson well enough about the cost of your betrayal. And if you haven’t the stomach…”

Steve sucked in a breath. “Takes a - takes a big man to torture a guy who can’t fight back, does it?” he said. His voice sounded hoarse. How long had he been screaming?

Maybe it would be less painful if it were Loki. But an undeniable part of Steve didn’t want it to be him. Didn’t want Loki to carry that. 

And didn’t want to carry it himself. 

“Rejoice,” Ebony Maw intoned. “Your pain will serve the reshaping of the universe.” 

Loki’s magic had been a battering ram. This was a flensing knife scraping along his nerves, fire coursing through his veins, bone-cracking agony as his muscles tore and organs ruptured and his skull split open. It dragged on, and on, the pain climbing to an unbearable crescendo and he couldn’t possibly survive this, Thanos had lied about leaving him alive and Loki, _Loki help me please make it-_

- _stop_. 

It ended all at once and Steve went limp, gasping for air. His body whole except for the pain in his wrists where his own struggles must have broken skin. His stomach bubbled and saliva flooded his mouth; he turned his head just enough that he didn’t choke on his vomit. Steve could feel himself shaking. 

“You’ll kill him,” Loki said. His voice sounded thin, strained. “You don’t know his tolerance.”

“Don’t be insulting, Loki,” Ebony Maw said. “But if you are so concerned...would you take his place? I know your tolerance well.”

It occurred to Steve that he’d urged Loki before, gently, to talk about what he’d gone through in Thanos’s hands. _Well, now you get the firsthand experience,_ he thought dizzily. 

Steve heard the hesitation and for a moment he wanted Loki to agree. If it meant he didn’t have to feel that again-

The shame that came on the heels of that thought was twice as strong. _Come on, Rogers. It’s all in your head. Just in your head._ “What,” he said, slurred. “Is that all you’ve got?” 

_Fuck,_ he thought. _This is going to hurt._

It did.

* * *

Steve lost time.

He wasn’t sure how much. It might’ve been a minute; it might’ve been an hour. All he knew was that when he could think again his mouth tasted like blood and he felt like he’d been chewed up and spit out at least twice. He didn’t even want to think about moving. 

He didn’t want to open his eyes, either, afraid he’d see Ebony Maw’s face, that it was going to start again. It was quiet, though, other than the sound of engines somewhere below him and his own harsh breathing. 

Slowly, he dared crack open one eye. He was back in the cell he’d started in. Alone. 

The relief that swept over him made his head spin. Or maybe that was just his head spinning because he’d tried to push himself to sitting. He gave up on that, slumping back down. The cold metal was a relief.

Belatedly, he wondered where Loki was. With Thanos, probably. Doing...whatever he was doing. Whatever _plan_ he was working from. And he’d left Steve on his own-

 _It probably wasn’t up to him,_ Steve reminded himself against the alarming swell of bitterness. _He’d be here if he could._

Maybe it was a relief that he wasn’t. There was no one Steve had to put on a face for. He could just...lie here and ache, raw and ravaged, and take a little time to pull himself together. 

His thoughts drifted to the others back on Earth. He hoped they were faring better. He wondered if the - what had they called themselves? - the Guardians of the Galaxy had gotten away, if they were on their way to Earth now. 

God, he wished he knew what Loki thought he was doing. 

He didn’t know how long it was before he heard footsteps approaching. Steve pushed himself up, scooting back to where he could at least sit up against the wall; he didn’t dare try standing. 

The door disengaged and opened. Steve tensed like he might have a chance of attacking, only to realize it was Loki, seemingly alone. He looked drawn, strained, but when he saw Steve he relaxed minutely. Steve just stared at him, feeling as though he ought to say something and not certain what. 

“I don’t have long,” he said. “My absence will be noticed, and-” he glanced over his shoulder, then shook himself. “I just needed to...you weren’t conscious, and I wasn’t certain-” He cut off with a little hitch in his breathing. There was a wildness to his eyes, too large and overbright. 

“I’m okay,” Steve croaked, which was probably one of the bigger lies he’d ever told. Loki made a noise at the back of his throat and took a step forward, reaching out toward him. Steve saw Loki laying his hand against his forehead, his magic tearing into his mind, and he flinched back. 

Loki froze. Steve’s stomach dropped but before he could do anything, Loki took a quick breath in and let his hand fall, his face wiped clean. He took a small step back. 

“Loki,” Steve said, his voice rasping painfully over his throat. “It’s not...I’m not…”

Loki shook his head. “Don’t,” he said. “Not now. Later.” He glanced over his shoulder again. “I - brought water.” He set down a bottle on the floor between them. “There’s no food here I can be certain is safe for you.”

“That’s fine,” Steve said. “I don’t think I could eat anyway.” 

The silence between them was heavy and awkward. 

“He has sent Maw to Earth,” Loki said. Steve noticed Loki didn’t say Thanos’s name. Hadn’t, since he’d shown up on Dravis P-20 and attacked them. It seemed like that meant something. Maybe just that he was scared; Steve already knew that. 

That didn’t matter as much as the sheer relief he felt knowing that creature was far, far away from him. On his way to their friends, and that was bad, but a significant piece of Steve was just glad he was gone. “Alone?” 

“No,” Loki said after a pause. “Along with Cull Obsidian. Corvus Glaive and Proxima Midnight remain.”

Those names didn’t mean much to him. But it was good it was just two. The teams still on Earth could handle two. 

“He already knew about the Mind Stone,” Loki said when Steve didn’t reply. “I...told him that the Time Stone is there as well.”

That brought Steve’s head around. “You what?” Loki said nothing, though a muscle jumped in his jaw. “Tell me what you’re planning,” Steve said loudly. “I need to know that you _have_ a plan. That you know what you’re doing.” 

Loki twitched, a movement just short of a flinch. “What I’m _doing?_ I’m keeping you alive,” he said, voice suddenly harsh. Steve almost snapped back but caught the quick flick of Loki’s eyes up toward one corner of the ceiling - the sort of place a security camera might be. 

“By getting everyone else killed?” Steve said, because it was what he would say if he believed Loki. This time the flinch was more pronounced, and the pang of guilt unavoidable.

“I-”

“Visiting your pet?”

Loki’s expression went blank. “Looking for evidence of sedition, Proxima?” he said, voice sliding into a different register, cold and a little snide. Steve recognized the woman who stepped into the doorway from the fight - the curving horns were hard to forget.

“We all are.” Her lip curled. “You aren’t exactly reliable. And you are certainly weak. Cowardly.” Her eyes moved from Loki to Steve. “And sentimental.”

Steve raised his chin. “I don’t think we’ve been introduced,” he said, a little surprised by how steady his voice was. “Nice to meet you, too.” 

“If I am weak, cowardly, and sentimental,” Loki said flatly, “those are three reasons I would be disinclined to betray your almighty father, aren’t they?” 

Steve didn’t really feel up to smiling, but if he did he thought he might’ve. He did feel a little spark of pride, watching Proxima Midnight’s eyes narrow in Loki’s direction before returning to Steve. 

“My _almighty father,_ as you say,” she said, “wants him. And you.” 

Steve went rigid, a thrum of fear racing up his spine. “What for,” Loki said, and if his voice just sounded wary Steve could see how tense he was as well.

“That’s not yours to ask,” Proxima Midnight said coldly. “All that you need to know is to do as you’re told.” She sounded, Steve thought, like she hoped Loki wouldn’t. His nostrils flared and he glanced at Steve and then away. Steve braced his hand against the wall behind him and forced himself up, ignoring the protests of his body. 

“If Thanos is that excited to see me I don’t want to disappoint,” he said. The look Loki shot him was just short of a glare, like he thought Steve was going too far, but Proxima Midnight laughed, not kindly. 

“No,” she said. “You don’t want to disappoint him.” 

Loki twitched toward him a little like he wanted to offer support, then drew back. Steve wished he hadn’t; he didn’t exactly feel steady on his feet. But he was steady enough. He hesitated, expecting someone to put some kind of restraints on him, but apparently he wasn’t going to be considered enough of a threat for them to need to.

Shame burned in his chest and Steve wanted to lash out to prove that he could, but - it wouldn’t do any good. Might do a lot of harm. Better, he told himself, to wait, and when he _did_ have a chance to be free, to react.

Loki went out into the hallway, and Steve followed him. He didn’t like turning his back on Proxima Midnight, but pretended it didn’t bother him at all, and followed Loki along the hallway, his heart thumping in his stomach.

Steve realized, belatedly, that Loki had said _keeping you alive._ Not ‘us.’ 

He hoped that didn’t mean anything. Please, let that not mean anything. 

* * *

Loki led them to some kind of cockpit, though there was no obvious pilot steering this floating hulk of metal. There was an open view that looked out on a planet, the same reddish color Steve had seen in photos of Mars. Thanos stood in front of it with his back to them, and Steve’s eyes flicked to the gauntlet on his left hand, two of the sockets on the knuckles filled. Four remaining. 

“What is your will,” Loki said. His voice was steady and clear, though Steve caught a slight twitch of one of his hands before he stilled it. “And what do you require from Captain Rogers?” 

“So formal,” Thanos said, sounding amused. “Do you always address him as such?” 

“If he wants something from me, he can ask me,” Steve said, keeping his eyes on Thanos’s back. _I’m going to be glad to see you die,_ he thought savagely. 

“Indeed,” Thanos said. “I can.” He turned. “Ebony Maw informed me that you endured well. Were you a touch less... _obstinate,_ I might be inclined to make something of you.” 

Steve’s skin crawled but he held Thanos’s gaze. “I think I’m good.” Loki twitched like he wanted to step toward Steve, or maybe in front of him, but he didn’t move.

Thanos laughed. “Your lover had such defiance,” he said. “Once.”

Steve’s stomach burned with hot anger. _You think you’ve beat him,_ he wanted to snarl. _You think you’ve beat us. But you haven’t. We’re down but we’re not out and Loki’s stronger than you think he is, I’ve got_ obstinacy _to spare-_

He bit it back. After all, Loki was _supposed_ to be cowed. Beaten. 

“In answer to your question,” Thanos said, “you are here as a witness. And as surety.”

“A witness to what,” Steve asked warily, resenting a little that he knew he was meant to ask, and needed to know anyway.

“The next step in your defeat,” Thanos said. “Loki has already proven himself more useful than expected. We are here to retrieve the Reality Stone.”

Steve didn’t try to keep his eyes from widening, figuring it would just look like shock or horror at the news, rather than a sudden burst of - not understanding, but hope. It was true that Loki might be able to track the Infinity Stones - he’d known the Time Stone was on Earth, somehow. But he’d sent Gamora and her comrades away with the Reality Stone, specifically to seek out the Soul Stone as well, and that Thanos wasn’t saying anything about that…

It seemed likely that Loki had lied about where they were going. Loki had lied, and two of Thanos’s lieutenants were gone to Earth, where their teammates were waiting, and ready to fight back. He still didn’t know what Loki was doing, but...he was doing _something._

Steve glanced at Loki, but Loki still wasn’t looking at him. 

“You haven’t won yet,” he said.

“No,” Thanos said. “Not yet.” _But I will,_ said his tone, and Steve’s hands clenched into fists. He turned back toward them, finally, and said, “daughter. Two battalions of Outriders, I think. In case we meet any...resistance.”

Shit. Was Loki throwing a planet under the bus for the sake of whatever he was planning? Did he think that was a worthwhile sacrifice, one he was willing to make-

Steve didn’t want to believe that he might have done that calculus, but just now, with the way Loki had been acting...he didn’t feel as sure as he wanted to be. “Loki, come,” Thanos said, like he was summoning a dog. “And see that your pet follows.”

Loki’s jaw tightened, then relaxed. “At your will,” he said smoothly, and turned toward Steve, but he didn’t reach to touch him, and Steve’s relief at that was inextricably mixed with guilt. 

“What are you doing,” Steve asked lowly. Loki’s fingers twitched briefly before stilling again and he didn’t answer. Steve took a deep breath and said carefully, “are you really going to give him another one of the Infinity Stones?”

Steve caught a slight flinch, Loki’s eyes skating toward him and then quickly away. “We do not have a great many choices. In case you missed our current position.” 

Did he think Steve hadn’t noticed? That he didn’t know that Loki was lying to Thanos? “Loki,” he said, “can you at least - tell me what you’re thinking? Explain to me _why-_ ”

Loki’s shoulders tensed another notch, and Steve realized that in all likelihood Loki _did_ think Steve believed him. Not just that he was pretending to. Loki was always inclined to think the worst of people. And always inclined to expect that people would think the worst of him. They hadn’t had a second to talk, a moment of privacy to speak openly, and Steve had flinched. 

And then their conversation back on the ship, before everything had gone wrong…

Steve’s stomach twisted and he made himself reach out and touch Loki’s forearm. Loki jumped, almost jerking away before visibly catching himself. “I want to trust you,” Steve said, and tried to weight the words, _I trust you._ He didn’t know if Loki heard it, though. He opened his mouth, but then Thanos’s voice called out, “I do not appreciate delays, little prince,” and that ended the moment.

They didn’t speak on the shuttle down to the planet’s surface, though Steve’s hands were bound again. Proxima sat nearby, her trident spear across her lap, her eyes on the pair of them. Corvus Glaive was beside her, and every so often bent his head toward Proxima and said something that seemed to amuse her. Steve didn’t think he wanted to know what it was.

“You don’t fidget as much as I remember,” Corvus said eventually, the words directed at Loki. “It’s good to see at least some of your lessons stuck.” 

Steve noticed the way Loki drew his hands in toward his body. “Our master’s methods are nothing if not effective,” Loki said tonelessly. 

“Not effective enough to prevent your defection, it seems,” Proxima said. “I still think you got off too easy.” Her gaze went to Steve, and she bared her teeth. “We should have made you kill him.”

“Go ahead and try,” Steve said. 

“I will do better than try.”

“It isn’t up to you,” Loki said, his voice suddenly like the crack of a whip. “My bargain with your father supercedes your bloodthirst.”

“For now,” Proxima said. “So long as you are useful.” Steve eyed her trident. If he could get it from her...not as familiar as a gun, but he was good at improvising in a pinch. He planned it out in his head, what he would do, how he would attack, between him and Loki taking down the pair of them shouldn’t be that hard-

It came back to the same thing, though. Thanos. The Gauntlet. And whatever Loki had them here to do…

He needed to keep backing his play. 

Steve clenched his teeth together and sat up straight. _Wait. Just wait. There’ll come a time, and you’ll be ready._

* * *

The red planet was abandoned.

That much was clear almost immediately. Whoever had lived here - and someone _had_ lived here, there were ruins of what looked like an entire city, red dust blowing through it - were long gone. Steve managed not to breathe a sigh of relief, though he did glance furtively around, looking for some sign of why Loki might have brought them here.

“This way,” Loki said, when Thanos turned from surveying the city to look toward them, and started forward into the ruined city. Thanos blocked him with one arm. 

“An empty planet seems an unlikely hiding place,” he said. 

Loki’s gaze was level, surprisingly calm, like something in him had settled. “Doesn’t it?” he said. “Why, after all, would anyone hide an artifact of surpassing power on a backwater planet that all sentient life abandoned decades ago?” 

Thanos’s gaze turned toward Steve. “What do you think,” he said. “Is the prince trying to play a trick on me?” 

Steve closed his eyes. It wasn’t hard to call up fear and uncertainty; they were both already there. Even the sense of betrayal. “Seems like I wouldn’t know.”

Words. Just words. And there would be time, when all this was over, to make certain Loki knew he didn’t mean them. Just like there would be time to come to terms with what Loki had done. They just had to...get through this first.

Thanos pulled his hand back. “Lead on, Loki,” he said. “Proxima, come with us. Corvus, remain here and keep watch. Be ready to release the Outriders.”

He gestured to Loki, who inclined his head, glanced in Steve’s direction, and then turned away, walking deeper into the ruins. Proxima gripped Steve’s shoulder and propelled him forward. “Move,” she said harshly. 

_What is this place,_ Steve wanted to ask as they walked, but he doubted he’d get an answer. Whoever had built here, they’d raised what looked like skyscrapers; everything seemed to be made of metal, or stone, or glass, and all covered in a layer of that fine, red, dust. 

How long had they been gone? How long did it take for a city like this to fall to ruin?

They walked for maybe ten minutes before Loki stopped them. “Here,” he said, gesturing to a building to their left. “Inside.” 

The doors looked sealed tight. “Proxima,” Thanos said, and she pivoted her trident and sent a blast of power into them that ricocheted back toward her before she dropped and rolled out of the way. Loki let out a very quiet laugh.

“Did you think it would be that easy?” he asked. Proxima hissed and took a step toward him, trident raised. 

“If you have wasted our time-”

“I haven’t,” Loki said. “I just said it wouldn’t be that easy. Not everything is brute force, I’m afraid.” He walked up to the left of the sealed doors, did - something, his body blocked what, and they clunked and slid open with a grinding sound. Loki glanced over his shoulder and smiled a touch nastily at Proxima before turning to face Thanos with a slight bow. “If you wish to enter first, my lord?” 

“Careful, Loki,” Thanos said quietly. “You stray near to impertinence.” But he stepped through the open doors into the dark interior. Proxima jerked her head at Steve. 

“Go,” she said, and Steve hesitated, glancing at Loki before he followed the command. Loki stepped up beside him, inches away, and Steve saw his fingers curl and uncurl at his side in the moment before he raised one hand and summoned a light that illuminated the interior of what looked like nothing so much as a military bunker. Set in one wall was another door, heavy and dull gray. Thanos was examining it. Steve tried not to tense as he felt Proxima step up behind him. 

Thanos raised his gauntleted fist, the Power Stone glowing, and punched through the metal. Loki flinched and Steve just kept himself from doing the same, waiting, waiting…

Behind the door were crates upon crates, each identical. Thanos stared at them for a long moment, then turned, slowly, his expression blank. 

“It isn’t here,” he said. Then several things happened at once. 

There was a loud _boom_ from outside like a jet breaking the sound barrier, followed by the unmistakable sound of an explosion. Steve’s handcuffs snapped open, and Loki threw something in his direction. Steve caught it reflexively and realized it was a gun of some kind. And then Loki-

Lit up?

It was like there was something glowing under his skin, a bright blue light that seemed oddly familiar. He grabbed Steve’s arm and between one blink and the next they were outside, though not far from the open door. There was a column of smoke rising from the ships they’d taken to the surface, and Steve could hear the sounds of battle. 

“Oh, good,” Loki said, breathless. “They’re here.” _Who’s here,_ Steve wanted to ask, but didn’t have the time - Loki was still talking. “I need you to keep Proxima Midnight away from me while I deal with Thanos-”

“While _you_ deal?” Steve said. Loki turned toward him and Steve realized that his eyes were glowing, too, and then realized where he recognized that light from. 

“Yes,” he said. “Infinity Stone to Infinity Stone.”

Loki had the Tesseract. Somehow, he’d gotten it back. Or maybe had never given it up at all. 

Loki was an illusionist. A very good one. 

“I won’t be able to fight on two fronts,” Loki said, talking quickly. “If we have a chance to stop him here, Steve, before he can reach any of the others-”

Steve grabbed Loki and dragged him into cover just in time. A blast from Proxima’s trident slammed into a building behind where they’d been standing, shearing through metal.

“We have to try,” Loki said, desperation in his voice, and then he was pulling away, and Steve couldn’t stop him. Not physically, and there wasn’t time, anyway; Loki was already out from cover and moving. Steve brought up the gun, sighted on Proxima, and started firing.

Steve knew Loki was fighting his own desperate battle close by, but he didn’t dare so much as glance to see how he was doing. Proxima Midnight was fast, and strong - stronger than him, and Steve was glad he’d sparred with Thor and Loki. He realized quickly that with her trident he’d be better off staying in close range where she couldn’t make much use of it, which made the gun basically useless. He dropped it and kicked it out of the way, switching to hand-to-hand. He wished he had his shield. He wondered where it was. Still back on the ship, probably, or maybe still on Dravis P-20. 

Steve dodged the wrong way and one of Proxima’s punches sent him flying, landing hard on the dusty ground. He vaulted back to his feet and caught the trident flung in his direction. Proxima looked surprised, briefly, which gave Steve a chance to attack. He could feel the charge in the air, raising the hairs on his skin and aching in his teeth, overpowering. 

He managed to find what seemed to be a trigger and fired at Proxima. It just grazed her arm and she raised her hand; Steve felt the tug trying to rip it out of his grasp and tightened his grip, firing again. This time it hit her more directly, and it looked like it actually _hurt._

 _Good,_ Steve thought a little viciously. _Got you._

He didn’t have the chance to finish it, though. 

Steve registered hearing the explosion before he felt it. The ground seemed to buck under his feet, shrugging him off. He slammed into the ground hard, his head cracking against something, and brought up an arm on instinct to shield himself from falling debris. 

When it stopped, his leg was half pinned down by a heavy chunk of the street, his head spinning and ears ringing. Straining to shove it off, lungs compressed, Steve looked frantically for Proxima, but couldn’t see her; with any luck, she’d been buried worse than he had. What he could see was the cracked ruins of the street where he had been standing, a hole blown in the side of one of the buildings, and Loki. 

The ruins around where he and Thanos had been fighting had been ripped apart, but Loki was standing still now, feet planted, wreathed in mingled blue and green light - his magic and the Tesseract tangled together. Thanos was wielding his own power like a hammer but Loki seemed to be fending it off, and Thanos fell back a step as Steve watched. Loki’s power wrapped around him, tightening like a vice, and one tendril of magic broke through and slashed a gash across Thanos’s face as if it were a knife. 

Weaponized portals, Steve realized. The Tesseract opening flesh instead of space. Another broke through, and another. 

For a breathtaking moment Steve thought he could do it. He felt the pressure change, increase, Loki’s teeth bared in a strained rictus, his body glowing.

Then Thanos clenched his fist and Loki buckled to one knee with a gasp, his whole body spasming, the Power Stone’s purple light seething around him. Crushing him. The power he was wielding wavered, the glow under his skin dimming. “Loki,” Steve said, jerking forward, but – 

It happened so fast. Thanos grabbed Loki like a ragdoll and shoved him into a wall – no, not the wall. A metal beam as thick as Steve’s arm burst through Loki’s chest with a sickening crunch. Loki’s eyes went wide and he made a sound like he’d been punched, his back arching.

“Did you really think,” Thanos said, “that you could match me?”

(no)

“Did you think I did not expect that you would turn against me? I _know_ you, Loki,” Thanos said, and pushed harder, smiling, impaling Loki further-

( _no_ )

his heels kicking once and going limp, Loki’s head falling back and Steve could see, swore he could _feel_ the life go out of him. 

_(NO)_

“And I do not,” Thanos said, “forgive failure.” He pulled Loki free, dropping him to the ground, and bent down. Steve heard a terrible _rending_ sound and felt a wrenching _wrongness_ , and when he stood and turned Thanos was holding the real Space Stone, light gleaming through the red of Loki’s blood.

He mouthed the word _no_ but couldn’t hear himself make the sound. He could hear someone - Valkyrie? shouting. Loki had been so _afraid_ and Steve had said – had promised-

Someone had grabbed him, was holding him back, dragging him away. Steve fought reflexively, but his body felt slow and sluggish, unable to respond like he should. They were saying something, but he couldn’t understand what it was, and it didn’t _matter_ what it was, he needed to get to Loki, he needed to get to _Thanos_ and make him pay. 

“Steve,” he heard, from a long ways away. “Steve, we have to go. We have to get out of here, now. Plasma Blasts - we’re out, you can’t track him through that portal-” 

“I can’t leave him,” Steve said. “I can’t leave him here,” and lunged against the restraining hold but he couldn’t break free, and a moment later the world turned inside out and the red planet was gone, Thanos was gone, Loki…

...was gone. 

He went numb. Somehow he was sitting down, though he didn’t remember doing it. 

“Fuck, what _happened,_ ” someone said. 

_I failed. Again. That’s what happened._

“Loki,” Wanda said, into the silence. “Where is Loki?”

Her voice was faint. Like she couldn’t quite believe it. The thing was - the thing was that Steve _could,_ because this was what he’d been afraid of, all along, had imagined again and again, and it suddenly felt inevitable. Like Loki had never had a chance. Like Steve had never had a chance to save him. 

He wasn’t crying. He didn’t think he could. His insides had all been scooped out and dumped on the floor and he kept seeing Loki, his body giving that last twitch before he went still. Thanos ripping the Stone from his corpse.

He closed his eyes, rocking forward and back. What was he supposed to do? Pick up, move forward, _keep fighting, it’s what Loki would want, it’s what he gave his life for,_ that was what people would say and it was what he was _supposed_ to do, but god…

“Steve,” someone was saying. “ _Steve,_ ” hands grabbing his shoulders. He forced his eyes open and it was Clint saying “are you with me?” 

“He was so scared of him,” Steve said. His voice sounded hoarse, barely like his own. “From day one. _Terrified._ I never should’ve...he should have stayed here. I should have made him stay here.”

Loki had always said he wasn’t a hero. Why, _why_ did he have to go and sacrifice himself like one? 

“He never would have,” Clint said. 

“I could’ve made him!” Steve’s voice rose. “I would’ve chained him up and suppressed his magic and had Wanda hold him and he’d hate me but at least-”

_At least he’d be alive._

Steve couldn’t breathe. God, _Thor._ How was he going to tell Thor?

He’d been so brave. Fighting, right up until-

_the end._

“Fuck,” Bucky said, somewhere distant. “ _Fuck._ ” 

Something in him stopped, like a broken watch. Voices buzzed around him, but he couldn’t understand what they were saying. It didn’t feel like it mattered anymore. _Loki. Oh god, Loki. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t save you._

_I’m sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for major character death.
> 
> So...yeah. You know how I mentioned having a couple scenes from this that have been written since 2015? The part at the end of this chapter was one of them. 
> 
> Try not to kill me?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hhhhhhey y'all. Hope you had a good week! Still here? Yeah? Got your tissues? 
> 
> The good news is that this chapter is less mean than last chapter in terms of actual events; the bad news is that it's basically wall to wall angst. I'm giving everyone a wee bit of a break before the next shitstorm hits. Things aren't great! They're all doing their best, though. Me, I'm doing my worst, for them, by making them suffer a lot. It's a good time for everyone involved, by which I mean myself. 
> 
> Thank you for all your lovely screaming comments/asks, they were very gratifying. As I mentioned on my Tumblr: I did my crying five years ago and now it was your turn. I mean, I did more crying, too, but it's the rhetoric that counts. 
> 
> Here we go. Just two more chapters after this one, folks! We're closing in on the endgame. (Get it? Get it?)
> 
> Enjoy.

Things were happening around him, but Steve couldn’t focus on them. He kept cycling through everything that had happened on Thanos’s ship, everything he could have done, might have done, should have done. How he might have stopped the inevitable. 

The worst part was that he couldn’t think of anything. It would have been easier if he could. Maybe if he’d known, maybe if Loki had told him what he’d done, but they hadn’t known they’d be caught. They’d _tried._ Done the best they could with the terrible hand they’d been dealt when Thanos showed up. 

It hadn’t been enough. He hadn’t been enough.

Tony was gone, he absorbed, at a distance. Dead, in the Black Order’s attack, and they’d taken the Time Stone. By now, Thanos probably had it. He was still missing Reality, and Soul, and Mind, but he was halfway there. Sam and Rhodey had both been hurt, though they were still on their feet, at least. 

But even that only barely registered next to the gaping hole that was Loki’s absence. Loki was a survivor. He’d always been a survivor. He’d managed to squirm free from death so many times, but it had finally caught up to him.

Steve stared down at the ring on his left hand. The magic Loki had done on them bound them together, didn’t it? Maybe that explained why it felt like a chunk of him had been ripped away.

God, he was so tired. 

Time slipped and blurred and so he had no idea how long it had been before Thor found him. He was sitting in his and Loki’s rooms, staring at nothing. He had the sense that people had been trying to talk to him, but nothing they said made sense. He kept seeing Loki: his fear when Thanos’ ship had appeared. Standing straight as he bargained for their lives. 

The look on his face when he died.

“Steve,” said Thor, and that pulled him out of his thoughts, because it wasn’t just Loki he had failed. Thor had trusted him to keep his brother safe, and Steve hadn’t. He had watched Loki die. Helpless. _Useless._

_I want to stay with you, and live, and see the world - the worlds - at your side. I want to kiss you breathless every day for the rest of my life. I want to wrap myself around you and hold you so close we could almost become one. Steve...I don’t want to die._

He didn’t even have a body to bury. Or burn? They’d left him there. _Left_ him, and Steve knew it was just a body, that there was no _Loki_ left but he still...it still felt wrong. 

He made himself meet Thor’s eye. “I’m sorry,” he said, choking on the words. Someone else must have told him, Steve realized. He didn’t think he had. Carol, or Valkyrie, or...what had they said?

Thor’s face was drawn. The look in his eye hurt. He didn’t speak, and Steve stumbled on. “I’m - I should have protected him. I should have…” Steve inhaled shakily. His chest ached. 

It occurred to him that Thor had done this before. Mourned Loki before. Twice. He’d mourned, and then Loki had come back, survived, and a wild hope rose in Steve’s chest that maybe Loki would this time as well, maybe he’d just been faking it, pretending, or he was wounded badly but would recover-

The wild hope died. He knew it wasn’t true. Wished, so much, that he could believe that it was. 

“Steve,” Thor said again, and then walked over toward him, slowly, and sat down next to him. Steve forced himself to not look away. “You don’t need to...it isn’t your fault.”

Steve shook his head. “No,” he said. “No, that’s - not true. I was supposed to keep him _safe_ and I didn’t - I was a _liability._ I was too _weak-_ ” His voice trembled. 

“Can you…” Thor turned his face away, toward the windows. “Would you tell me what happened?”

“What…” Steve swallowed. Of course, he realized. Carol and Valkyrie had been there when Loki had...but before that, it had just been the two of them. And of course Thor would want to know. 

He looked down at his hands. “We were both captured. Loki...made a deal, pretended to make a deal, to work with Thanos. He gave him the Tesseract. Or - it looked like he had, and I thought...I wasn’t sure, I thought maybe he was just - desperate, trying to keep us both alive. I should have known better, should have believed in him-” 

Steve broke off, gasping. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Loki can be very convincing,” Thor said. His voice sounded hollow, and Steve couldn’t help but notice the present tense, _can,_ like Thor hadn’t really absorbed it yet. 

He forced himself to keep going. “They made him...torture me. To prove that he meant it. And as punishment.”

One of the last times they’d spoken, Steve realized, Loki had reached out to him and he’d flinched. He could see the look on Loki’s face, the hurt quickly wiped away as his hand fell, and Steve wished he could go back and _make_ himself - not. It hadn’t been him (it had been) and now that was one of his last memories. Not an embrace, not a kiss, not even words, just a flinch, Steve’s fear, Loki’s hurt. He remembered how it had felt, Loki in his mind tearing open half healed wounds, his worst memories, the violation of it.

_I forgive you,_ Steve thought, like it mattered anymore. _I know - I know it wasn’t your fault._

He felt hands on his shoulders. “Steve,” Thor said. “Steve, can you hear me?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry, I can’t-”

“It’s all right,” Thor said, though Steve knew it wasn’t, could hear it in Thor’s voice. “I understand. You don’t have to-”

Steve shook his head. “It was a trick,” he said. “The whole thing was...he hadn’t really given Thanos the Tesseract. A copy, somehow, he made...but I think he knew, maybe he knew the whole time, maybe he was just waiting to, to see what he’d _do_. Valkyrie and Carol caught up and attacked. Loki made his move on Thanos and…”

Steve’s inhale shook. He closed his eyes, couldn’t look Thor in the face, but then he could just see it on the inside of his eyelids, Loki buckling, the crunch of metal breaking bone, his back arched with his eyes open wide. God. _God._

He forced out the words like crawling over barbed wire. “He killed him.”

Thor hesitated a beat and then said, “the Tesseract. If Loki didn’t give it to him - are you sure Thanos has it? Loki is the only one who can - remove things from where he has hidden them.”

Steve tasted bile. “He didn’t hide it,” he said. “He - used it. Bound it to...himself, somehow. I don’t know how, or when…”

Thor was silent. After several moments Steve forced his eyes open to look at him, but he was just staring at one of the walls, gaze hollow. There were tears tracking down his cheeks. 

“Loki,” he said softly, “you fool.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said again. Thor’s eye closed. 

“There was nothing…” He paused, seeming to gather himself, and then said, “there was nothing you could have done.”

_But what if there was,_ Steve thought wildly. _What if I had made him stay here, what if I had made him run on Dravis P-20, what if I’d been faster to begin with so we weren’t captured._ He couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t stop imagining what he could have done differently, couldn’t stop seeing Loki die while he was yards away and helpless. 

Grief bore down on him like a physical weight. He felt like a boxer punched one too many times, finally laid out on the floor as the referee counted the time. _Your friends are relying on you,_ he tried to tell himself. _The world…_

He just wanted to lie down and cease to exist. 

“Thor,” he started to say, voice hoarse, but he couldn’t think what to follow it with. Thor turned toward him suddenly and embraced him, and Steve cracked. He started sobbing so hard he almost retched, it hurt, _everything_ hurt and he didn’t think it was ever going to end.

* * *

Thor left at some point. Called away, or maybe he just needed time of his own, or maybe - maybe he was going to tell Frigga, somehow, that one of her sons was dead. Sam and Bucky came to sit with him. Sam moved gingerly and with a bit of a limp.

“You don’t have to be here,” Steve said dully. “I know there must be things you need to do.” He was looking at the bookshelf. An eclectic collection, mostly Loki’s, and he was always so precise about how they needed to be organized. 

“We’re not leaving,” Bucky said, bull-stubborn. Steve saw Sam shoot him a look. 

“Aggressively stated, but true,” he said. “Nobody wants you to be on your own right now.”

“I’m not going to kill myself,” Steve said. He wasn’t. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but…

“Yeah,” Bucky said. “You’re not.” He lurched to his feet and paced across the room and then back, all tense, nervous energy. Steve just watched him, exhausted in his bones. Sam made a sort of annoyed noise and shook his head. 

“Nobody thinks that. Doesn’t matter,” Sam said. “Still don’t think you should be alone.”

Steve didn’t have the energy to argue. He didn’t feel like he had the energy to do much of anything. 

“You know it’s not your fault,” Sam said into the dead silence after a few moments. Steve didn’t answer, because he knew it wasn’t, not really, but he couldn’t help the voice that kept saying _isn’t it, he wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for you, you should’ve made him run, why did you get to walk away when he died?_

There was a light knock on the door. Bucky pivoted toward it, looking like he was about to attack whoever came through. “It’s me,” said Wanda’s voice. “I wanted to come and...update all of you.” 

Bucky’s mouth tightened, but Sam said, “sure, come in.” She stepped inside, glancing briefly at Bucky before looking toward Steve. He looked away from the sympathy on her face. 

“Wanda,” he said wearily. 

“Steve-” she stopped, and came over, and reached out her hands. “I’m so sorry.”

A startling anger rose up hard - _don’t apologize, apologies don’t bring him back, you don’t know how I’m feeling -_ but it vanished just as quickly and he made himself take her hands and nod. His nose burned but he didn’t start crying again. 

“So what’s the update,” Bucky said roughly.

Wanda gave him a look that seemed reproachful, but she said, “we agreed that we have to assume that Thanos will go after the Reality and Soul Stones next, and that we can’t count on the Guardians of the Galaxy managing to reach us before he finds them. We need to be ready for the possibility that…” she took a quick breath. “That when he comes here he’ll have all of them except the Mind Stone.”

“Is that out of Vision yet?” Bucky said. Wanda shook her head, fractionally, and Steve frowned. 

“Not yet. It’s taking longer than...longer than Shuri expected.” Wanda’s hands twisted together. It was a gesture, Steve thought, that looked a lot like Loki’s, the familiar anxious way he’d rub his palm with his thumb. He remembered how still Loki’s hands had been, all the time they’d been with Thanos. Corvus saying _you don’t fidget as much as I remember...at least some of your lessons stuck._

What Wanda had said sunk in. “We’re losing,” he said quietly. 

“Down isn’t out,” Sam said. “We’re not beat yet.” But his voice didn’t sound as sure as his words. 

Even if the Guardians did make it here with the two Stones they’d been chasing, Steve thought, would that be enough? Not for Loki’s plan, not when Thanos had three of his own. Raw force against raw force...he had an army. The odds weren’t good. 

Loki would have died for nothing.

_So what are you going to do about it?_

( _What_ can _I do about it?_ )

“Earth to Steve,” Bucky said, and Steve looked up and toward him. 

“What?”

Bucky’s mouth spasmed. “Nothing,” he said. “Just making sure you’re still in there.” It was Wanda who gave him the dirty look this time, and he glared back at her. “Was that all you came to say?”

“No,” Wanda said slowly. “We need to...Steve, can you tell us more about - what you know about him? His forces?”

Steve shook his head slowly. “I don’t know how useful I can be.”

“Anything you know could be helpful.” 

He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay here, and curl up, and stop thinking, stop feeling, _stop._ But there was still that nagging voice that said _get back up, you selfish bastard, you’re still breathing so you still owe it to them to keep moving._ He hated it, _hated_ it, but it was still there, refusing to leave him alone. 

“All right,” he said, aware of the bitterness in his own voice and not really trying to cut it out. “Fine.” He pushed himself to his feet, feeling stiff and exhausted and _old._

“It doesn’t have to be now,” Wanda said hesitantly. “We could wait-”

“At least until you take a shower,” Sam said. Steve almost snapped at them both, almost said _let’s just get this over with, how much time do we even have_ and fast on its heels _and what’s the point, what good is it going to do?_

He took a deep breath and made himself nod. “Fine,” he said again, and turned to trudge down the hall to the bathroom. 

He showered mechanically, belatedly realizing that he...hadn’t, since coming back. No wonder Sam had told him to do it. Dirt and blood sluiced off his skin and he stared at it swirling down the drain. It must have been his. He hadn’t been anywhere close to Loki when he’d…

Steve pressed his forehead against the cold stone of the shower wall and breathed until he stopped feeling like he was going to suffocate.

He finished quickly, trying to keep his thoughts blank, and got dressed without looking at his clothes. When he came back out to the living room, Wanda was gone and Sam and Bucky were talking to each other in low voices. They both looked up quickly when he entered. 

“At least you _look_ better,” Sam said with a crooked smile that didn’t ease any of the worry or stress around his eyes. 

“Where are we going,” Steve asked without responding.

“Right to it,” Sam said under his breath, and then, “okay, follow me,” and went out. Steve took a deep breath and clawed himself together before following. Bucky came up next to him, shoulder to shoulder, almost touching, and didn’t say anything. 

Steve was more than a little grateful for that. He didn’t know what he would’ve said.

* * *

Everyone looked shell-shocked. Dazed, confused. Heads turned to look at him when he opened the door and Steve almost flinched back. _I can’t do this,_ was the first thought that popped into his head, and then he felt like the worst kind of coward. 

“Steve,” Thor said first, starting to stand up. Steve shook his head and couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Don’t get up,” he said, voice rough. “It’s…” _Not ‘fine.’ That’s for damn sure._ “Sorry I’m late.” 

There was a seat open next to Thor and Steve took it; Thor rested a hand on his shoulder, briefly, before he pulled it away. Steve’s eyes fell on Rhodey, who looked like he was barely holding himself upright.

How badly had he been hurt? Steve hadn’t asked. That guilt joined the rest twisting in his gut, though it was shamefully insignificant next to the open wound that was Loki’s. “What’d I miss,” he said finally. His voice didn’t sound right - not quite like his own. But it must’ve been a good enough imitation to pass, or at least everyone else was letting it go.

“Not much,” Clint said. “Just going over what’s...happened.”

_What we lost,_ Steve thought. He made himself nod. 

“And next steps,” Natasha said. Her voice was level, her expression calm, and Steve knew that was just how she was in stressful situations, that that was one of the things she was good at, but it still sent a jolt of disproportionate anger through him. 

Steve glanced around the room and tensed when he realized who was missing. “Bruce and Vision-”

“Working with Shuri, still,” Clint said. “Trying to get the Mind Stone free.”

“Should we really be doing that at this point, though?” Scott asked. “I mean...he can use it like a weapon, right? Anyone else here know how to do that? Seems like it would be better to have that thing in our arsenal than just...floating around loose, since...we can’t exactly collect all of these Stones now. At least not without going through Thanos. And seems to me like it’s not any more vulnerable where it is right now than it would be loose.”

“That makes sense,” Natasha said. “Though we should ask Vision, first. It would make him more of a particular target.”

Wanda’s hands were folded together and she was fiddling with one of her rings. “I might be able to destroy it,” she said abruptly, her voice very quiet. “My magic...is linked to its power. I think I could use that connection to...to break it, so it couldn’t be used.”

“Sorry,” Sam said, “what?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Rhodey said, “but isn’t that what Loki said could _level a quarter of the planet?_ I get we’re up against a wall here, but-”

Wanda was still looking down at her hands. “No,” Pietro said. She glanced at him and then straightened in her chair. 

“I wouldn’t do it here,” she said. “We could use Jane’s Bifrost. I’d take the Mind Stone somewhere else and…”

“ _Absolutely not,_ ” Pietro hissed, jerking to his feet, almost vibrating as he stared down at her. “Sister-”

Clint was shaking his head too. Steve put it together too slowly. “You’re talking about killing yourself,” he said, flatly. Wanda swallowed hard.

“I’m talking about doing what we have to,” she said. “If Thanos is down at least one Stone...that gives us something of a fighting chance. Doesn’t it? At least...at least it keeps him from having _all_ of them. For certain.” 

“ _I won’t let you,_ ” Pietro said, loudly. Wanda gave him a sharp look.

“Do you think you could stop me, Pietro? Do you have the _right_ to? I can make my own decisions-”

“I’m backing him on this one,” Clint said. “You don’t even know for sure that it would work. Do you?”

“I’m pretty sure-”

“Not fucking good enough.” 

“We need to do _something!_ ” Wanda cried. Her hands were clenched into fists. “This is something I can do.” 

“Wanda,” Steve said hoarsely, “you’re one of our strongest fighters. Maybe the strongest person still here.” Loki had always said so. Loki had always said she was stronger than he was, just less trained. “We’re going to need you.”

“If the Mind Stone isn’t here,” Wanda said softly, “Thanos doesn’t have any reason to come to Earth.” 

Carol shifted. “No,” she said, “but we’d still end up going to him.” She was frowning, though. Like she was thinking about it. Valkyrie was frowning too, but more _at_ Wanda than like she was thinking. 

“Besides,” Steve said. “I don’t...I don’t think any of us want to lose anyone that we don’t have to.”

“There’s such a thing as sacrifice for the greater good,” Thor said quietly. The look Clint gave him was one of absolute betrayal. Thor didn’t look at him, though, or anyone else. “Though Clint is right, as is Steve about your strength. And if you are wrong...this would place you on your own, vulnerable, and far from any of us who could defend you.”

“So this is a terrible idea,” Clint said. Thor looked up at Steve, slowly, and then toward Wanda.

“Or you don’t go alone,” he said. “I could-”

“Fuck no,” Bucky said. “I get that you’re grieving, I do, but even if it _does_ work, best case scenario, then we’re down _two_ of our best fighters, and like the lady said,” he gestured at Carol, “we’re still going to have to fight the bastard. I agree with Lang. At least if the android has the Stone we can _use_ it.”

Wanda was starting to look desperate. “But I-”

“And anyway,” Clint said, “what do you think _Vision_ would think about this plan, huh?”

Wanda looked down, her hands now twisting together, and fell silent. 

“What about the rest of the world?” said the woman next to Scott, speaking up for the first time. “Other countries. Can’t we ask them for help?”

“Tony got in touch with Ross the second shit started hitting the fan,” Rhodey said. “He didn’t buy it. And even if he did...armies take time to mobilize, and who is in charge? ‘Global threat from space’ isn’t something there’s a universal protocol for.”

“Surprise,” Clint said flatly. “Ross is a useless motherfucker and we’re all going to suffer for it.”

“There’s been an attack now,” Carol said, frowning. “Shouldn’t that change things? What about SHIELD?”

“Maybe - just a question of if it’ll change fast enough,” Sam said. “And SHIELD went down in flames. Mostly. I hear there are some remnants around, but they don’t have anything like an army as far as I know.” He looked toward Natasha, whose eyebrows were knitted together, and she said nothing.

“SHIELD went down in flames?” Carol said sharply.

“Yeah,” Clint said. “It was full of Nazis. If there’s anything left there, I don’t have the contacts.”

“Loki mentioned seeking out allies outside the Earth,” Thor said, his voice only hitching slightly over Loki’s name. “Jotunheim, the Kree…” Steve saw Carol’s mouth tighten. 

“If we can’t rally Earth in time, how are we supposed to recruit an extraterrestrial army,” Rhodey said flatly. “Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if _Loki_ hadn’t as good as handed over one of these things.” 

“ _Watch it,_ ” Bucky growled. “And what about if _your_ team hadn’t fucked up on your mission, I don’t hear you ragging on _Stark._ ” 

The worst of it was that Steve didn’t know if he could argue. He and Loki might both have died if Loki hadn’t played it the way he had. But maybe that would have been better, in the long run. 

“Let’s not do this,” Natasha said. She sounded tired, too. “Fight with each other. Blame each other. It’s not going to get us anywhere. We need to focus.”

“She’s right,” Carol said. “We need a new plan. I still think we should find a way to track Thanos and take the fight to him.”

“Do you have a way of doing that?” Val asked. Her arms were folded over her chest and she was leaning back, her expression hard to read. “Or a way of reaching him? Last I checked we don’t have a ship capable of that kind of speed through space, our homemade Bifrost is limited in how many it can bring along, and the one person we had who could worldwalk at all is dead.”

Steve flinched. Thor looked like he wanted to, too, his mouth tightening. Carol gave Val a hard look.

“Maybe if you hadn’t pulled us out so fast-”

“Then we’d all three of us probably be dead along with Loki,” Val said flatly. “I’ll grant you you’re tough. But you’re no more invincible than he was.”

The crunch of breaking bone. Loki’s body arching, kicking, going limp. Steve’s stomach lurched up toward his mouth and he shoved his chair back hard. 

“I need some air,” he said. “Let me - let me know when you make any actual decision.” 

He left fast, before anyone could stop him. He thought he heard someone say, “what the _fuck,_ Val,” maybe Sam, but he tuned it out.

Steve made his way to a terrace and leaned on the railing, staring down at his hands and focusing on breathing until his ears stopped ringing. Someone cleared their throat gingerly behind him. 

“What,” Steve said flatly, “are you all just taking turns babysitting me?”

“No,” said Clint’s voice. “I wouldn’t put it like that. I didn’t need to be in there, and I was getting sick of listening to the arguments. Not like I’m doing a lot of good. This whole thing is a little out of my weight class.”

Steve could hear the bitterness under the words, and it was familiar. He remembered feeling that way, watching the soldiers go off to give their lives and knowing he couldn’t go with them, too weak to be any use. ( _Still are, aren’t you._ )

“I think we’re all out of our weight class now,” Steve said. He made himself turn around and look at Clint, who looked levelly back at him without flinching. There wasn’t any pity in his expression, which was a relief. Steve didn’t think he could take any more pity. 

“What,” he said, with a crooked sort of smile. “No inspiring speeches?” 

Steve choked on a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh. “Fresh out.”

“I’d try, but I don’t know how good I’d be at it. And I don’t think you need one of those right now, anyway.” He walked over to the railing and leaned on it as Steve had been. “You ever wish you were in a different business?”

“I don’t know what other business I’d be good at,” Steve said. 

“Yeah,” Clint said after a beat. “It’s hard to stop. And you...I mean. This has been your whole life since you got out of the ice, hasn’t it?”

_I thought I was starting to make a different one. But that’s gone now._ There was never going to be a honeymoon, or a cottage in the woods. He’d thought about that, sometimes. About the idea of at least trying to set the shield down, step back, breathe. Take Loki to all the places around the world that he’d wanted to show him but hadn’t had time. Inviting their friends over to dinner, going on _dates-_

It was a fantasy, and he’d always known it was a fantasy, but it had been a nice one to have, sometimes.

“Steve?” Clint said, and Steve realized that he’d stopped paying attention. He shook himself, thought angrily _get it together, Rogers._

“Yeah,” he said. “It has been. Sorry, I just…” He trailed off, not exactly sure how to excuse himself. 

“It’s fine,” Clint said. “Jesus, Steve, if you weren’t fucked up I’d be worried.” He rocked forward on his toes and then back on his heels. “I called Laura earlier today. After we got word about - about Tony. I needed to hear their voices.”

Tony. In the all-consuming pain of Loki’s - of Loki, Steve hadn’t had room to absorb the fact that Tony was gone, too. Even with all the anger he still felt, that hurt, too. _They’re the first. Not going to be the last. Who next, huh? Is it going to be Clint? Or Bucky, or Natasha, or Sam?_

He thought of Loki again, his fears, and Steve had soothed him, told him it would be fine. Like he’d known. Like he could keep everyone alive, keep anyone alive. _He could have killed you, you and James and, and everyone, next time he will,_ Loki had said, but he’d been talking about Thanos using _him_ to do it. 

Well, Thanos wasn’t going to use Loki now.

That thought, horribly, made him want to laugh. He didn’t, but the awful urge was still there, and he felt like he was losing his mind that it was there at all. 

“I know I need to get it together,” he said. “We don’t have time for this right now, do we?” Steve saw Clint wince, but he didn’t stop. “And I know you blame him, too. For losing the Tesseract to Thanos. And I understand _why._ But you weren’t there, none of you were there and I was functionally _useless._ ”

“Steve,” Clint said, sounding pained. 

“Don’t tell me it’s not true,” Steve said. “Maybe Rhodey said it, but I’m sure he’s not the only one thinking it.” 

“Okay, maybe not, but that doesn’t mean-”

“What would you think if I told you I wished he’d given it up sooner and walked away?” Steve said loudly. 

The words hung in the air, and Clint didn’t answer. Steve’s stomach twisted, sick at himself. He hadn’t really realized how much he meant it until he’d said it. 

“I’d get it,” Clint said, his voice edged a little rough. 

Steve turned toward him, surprised, but Clint wasn’t looking at him. He shrugged one shoulder. “What,” he said, “do you think you’re some kind of monster for wishing Loki - your _husband -_ hadn’t died? For wanting to be a little selfish?” 

“More than a little,” Steve said bitterly. “It’s - the fate of the universe. Right?” 

“Yeah,” Clint said. “That’s - big. Abstract. None of us can conceptualize what that _means,_ not really. I know I’m not thinking about the universe. I’m thinking about the people I _know._ That’s something I can understand, that I can get my head around. Besides - it’s not like you actually did anything _wrong._ Wishing isn’t a crime.” 

_It feels like one. It feels like betraying everyone else, all the other people I love._ Steve said nothing.

“The standards you hold yourself to,” Clint said. “Must be exhausting.”

Steve dropped his head forward. “Sometimes,” he murmured. 

“I bet,” Clint said. “Putting all the rest of us selfish bastards to shame.” 

“This guy bothering you,” said Bucky’s voice, not quite light enough to be entirely a joke. Clint tensed, and Steve turned around quickly.

“No,” he said. ‘He’s not.”

“Want me to punch Rhodes?” That definitely wasn’t a joke. “Or Valkyrie, for that matter.”

“You’d break your fist on her face,” Clint said. Bucky ignored him, eyes steady on Steve, and Steve noticed for the first time that he looked...bruised, too. Which...he’d been Loki’s friend, too, and it wasn’t _just_ Steve that had lost him. Wasn’t even just him and Thor. 

“No,” Steve said. “That’s...okay.” 

“No it isn’t,” Bucky said. “But fine, if you don’t want me to.” He eyed Clint, and Clint eyed him back and then said to Steve, “it’s okay, Steve. I mean, it isn’t, but it shouldn’t be,” before he went inside. 

“What’s the deal with the two of you,” Steve said, because he wanted to talk about something else before he lost it again. 

Bucky shrugged. “I think he holds a grudge because I shot Romanoff once. Also he thinks Wanda is his little sister and I don’t like her. And he just rubs me the wrong way.” 

But _why,_ Steve wanted to ask, but decided to leave it alone. “You don’t like Wanda?” 

Bucky paused, then made a face. “I don’t like telepathy shit.”

_Didn’t Loki,_ Steve started to think, but cut himself off because that led right back where he was trying not to be, at least not this second. He didn’t think he could stay out of that hole for long, but… “She would never hurt you.”

Bucky shrugged, and Steve sighed. “Did they decide anything in there?” 

“Other than ‘stand and fight’? Not really.”

Steve nodded. He hadn’t really expected anything else, but some part of him had still hoped that maybe they could scrape some kind of real plan together. 

“We all figure that the secondary goal if and when Thanos shows up here is to get this gauntlet thing off, if we can’t kill him first.” Steve nodded. That seemed like a tall order, but maybe with all of them together...and a wild part of him thought, suddenly, _with that kind of power maybe I could bring him back, maybe-_ Loki had always said that resurrecting the dead wasn’t possible. He’d tried to bring the clone of Steve back to life, and failed.

But maybe with the power of the Infinity Stones-

He took a deep breath and tried to crush the hope. It was a long shot in more than one way and he couldn’t pin his heart on it. Didn’t dare. “Makes sense,” he made himself say instead. “Good idea.”

“One of the only ideas we’ve got. Other than ‘hit him really hard with everything we have.’ At least ‘everything we have’ is...a lot. I’m pretty sure Thor on his own is pissed off enough to take on an army.” 

If Thor had been there instead of him, Steve wondered suddenly, could he have saved Loki? Could he have done more, maybe stopped them from being captured in the first place? 

“Yeah,” Steve said vaguely. Bucky shifted.

“We can pull this off,” he said. “That’s what you people - what we do, right? Last minute saves against impossible odds.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself, too. Steve closed his eyes.

Even if they did pull it off, he didn’t think he was going to be able to accept the cost. 

_There is no one I would rather stand with, at the end of the world_ , Loki had said before the wedding. 

_You give me hope. For the world. For myself._

God. Had they ever had a chance?

* * *

Steve knew where they were: the long, deep, breath before the plunge. Everything too still, somehow _on pause_ even as they wrangled back and forth over their next move. Steve felt a little like he was on pause, too. Suspended in limbo, simultaneously stuck in his own head and watching everything that was happening with a strange, detached distance. 

He managed to pull himself together, sort of. Enough. Shuri gave him a new shield. _I figured because you throw it away so often you might lose it_ , she said, and then swallowed and said those words he was really tired of hearing already: _I’m sorry._

_Thanks,_ he managed, before beating a hasty retreat and focusing on his breathing until he felt less like he was going to break down, or throw up. 

He made his way back to his and Loki’s rooms only to just stand there, looking around at the little signs of a life they’d built here. The kintsugi vase he’d bought to make a point. The drawer with Loki’s dismantled kimoyo beads.

He moved like a sleepwalker over to the desk and opened a drawer, pulling out a few sheets of paper. Sketches. He went to the one on the bottom; Loki, in profile, a small smile on his lips but the crinkling around his eyes betraying that he was on the edge of laughter. 

Steve inhaled sharply, feeling like he’d just been stabbed in the chest. He thought of Loki, delirious, saying _he’s going to kill you first, and then the rest of you, and make me watch._

_Wrong way around, there,_ Steve thought, and wanted to choke and puke and laugh all at once. He stumbled over to the couch and fell back onto it, too hollow to cry any more. He just...hurt. 

There was a light tap at the door and Steve jerked, trying to scrape himself together. “Who is it?” 

“It is I,” said Thor’s voice, and Steve closed his eyes, wishing that it wasn’t him, and hating himself a little for wishing. It was just that...he could barely bear his own grief. He didn’t know if he could take more of Thor’s, too. 

But for his failure, Steve owed him.

“Come in,” he said, forcing himself to straighten, to stand. Thor opened the door and stepped inside. They just looked at each other, neither of them knowing what to say.

“What is that?” Thor asked eventually, gesturing, and Steve realized he was still holding the sketch of Loki half crumpled in his hand. He swallowed hard and held it out. Thor took it, glanced down, and for a moment his face crumpled before he visibly steadied himself. Or tried. “Yours?” he said, voice hoarse.

“Yeah,” Steve said. “I…used to do that. Draw him.” That small smile. That near laugh. Expressions Steve treasured because they were _rare_ and precious and something Loki shared with him and few others. Because Loki trusted him. 

Had trusted him.

And Steve hadn’t kept him safe.

He wavered. Part of him screamed _pull yourself together_ while another part howled _why should I have to, why can’t I just lie down and stop, isn’t it enough-_

Thor had approached him while Steve had phased out and was now standing, his hands on Steve’s shoulders pressing down. “Steve,” he said, by the sound of it not for the first time, his eyebrows furrowed. “Look at me.”

Steve tried to focus. Forced himself to focus on Thor’s face, his eyes aching with loss. He swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m…” he forced a laugh without any humor. “Kind of a mess.”

“Of course you are,” Thor said. So kindly. Like he wasn’t bearing his own grief. Steve squeezed his eyes closed and then opened them.

“It’s - fine.” What a pathetic attempt at a lie. “What is it? What’s going on?” 

“Nothing,” Thor said. “For the moment. I just came to see you.” 

“Oh,” Steve said. He almost wished there had been something. A task. A purpose. Even if he didn’t feel very capable - off-balance, bruised, exhausted, unsteady. Not exactly fighting shape. Something he’d thought of before occurred to him again, and this time he asked. “Does your mom...know?” 

Thor’s shoulders fell. “Not yet,” he said. “I have little skill at reaching out to her in dreams, but must...wait for her to do so.” He paused, and then said, quieter, “I haven’t tried. I am afraid that something may have happened to her, too.” 

Steve tensed. “Why do you think,” he started to say, but Thor was shaking his head.

“There is no reason in it,” he said. “Only the fear. And being too much of a coward to chance that fear being confirmed.” 

Steve nodded, slowly. He could understand that, in a way. 

“And,” Thor went on, “I do not want to be the messenger of her grief.”

Steve remembered, years ago, Frigga saying to him _you will agree, I hope, that twice is more than enough for a mother to have to mourn her son._

Now it’d be a third.

_You failed her, too._

Steve went back over to the couch and sank down, his knees weak. “I keep wondering,” he said, “if he was...if he intended for it to happen. And I don’t know if that’d make it better or worse because if it was I keep thinking maybe there’s some trick, some, some _master plan_ I’m not seeing that means he’s going to somehow...come back. _Something._ And that would be - I’d be angry at him for doing that to me, to us, to _himself_ but at least…

And at the same time...maybe it was part of a plan but it doesn’t mean he’s coming back at all. It just means that he decided it was okay for him to die, after he told me, _told me_ he wouldn’t…”

Steve trailed off. 

“Or,” he said, staring down at his hands, “there wasn’t any plan at all, and it was just…” His laugh came out hoarse and awful. “Terrible _fucking_ luck.”

After several moments of silence, Thor came over and sat down next to him. 

“I want to believe it is as you say,” he said, sounding tired in a way Steve had never heard him. “That Loki had...has...some scheme that means he isn’t truly gone. It wouldn’t be the first time, after all. I’ve thought he was dead before, but both times he survived. It is hard not to hope that this time as well…”

Steve closed his eyes. “But you don’t think so.” 

Thor was quiet again. “I asked Shuri to check,” he said eventually. “All his spells of warding are gone. If it were a ruse...even if it were meant to be a very convincing one...I don’t think he would leave us so vulnerable. My heart still wants to believe, but - but I cannot find a reason it is not an empty hope. And yet no small part of me would still indulge it.” 

_A sorcerer’s spells unravel with their death._ Had Loki told him that, or someone else? He couldn’t remember. If it had been Loki he ought to remember. How much else might he have forgotten?

Thor was right. He knew Thor was right. Those shreds of hope he hadn’t realized he was still feeling were slipping through his fingers and all he could do was watch them go. 

“I don’t think he chose this,” Thor said, his voice thick. “I don’t think he would do that to us. Not now. Not when he knows - must have known…”

“God,” Steve said. “Thor...how are _you -_ keeping it together? He was your brother, for a thousand years, and I’m the one who’s going to pieces.”

Thor exhaled. “I tell myself,” he said, and though his voice was quiet Steve could now hear a thrum underneath: a low and dangerous vibration. “I tell myself that I can grieve when Thanos is dead. That when I spill his blood as an offering and take his life as wergild for Loki’s - then I will let myself weep as I want to now.”

Steve swallowed past the lump in his throat. Vengeance. Maybe that was something he could hang himself on, at least for now. Maybe he could make it enough. That was part of how he’d made it through after Bucky had fallen, wasn’t it? Pinning himself to a goal. A purpose. Maybe he hadn’t called it vengeance, but beating Red Skull had come with its own satisfaction that wasn’t just about stopping him from hurting other people. 

The Avengers had come together in the first place to avenge Coulson. After Loki had killed him. If that wasn’t the bitterest sort of irony.

But...

“Do you think we can win?” he asked. 

Thor was quiet, and Steve’s heart sank as he realized he’d been hoping for a simple _yes, of course._ Had hoped for the unshakeable certainty he associated with Thor: the confidence that bordered on arrogance. “I think we must,” he said at last. “And I think...I believe that we can. I fear the cost; what other price we must pay, beyond the dear one that has already come due. But I do believe that, in the end, we will be victorious.”

Steve gave him a pained, crooked smile. “Are you just saying that?” 

“No,” Thor said. “I am not.”

Steve made himself nod. Tried to convince himself to borrow from Thor, to set aside his doubt and despair and believe that they could be strong enough. That they had suffered defeat - defeats - but losing a battle wasn’t losing the war. 

_You didn’t lose a battle. You lost Loki. And even if you win, he’s still dead, and gone, forever. He’s never coming back._

His eyes started to burn and he swallowed hard. “It feels like he was hardly here at all,” Steve said. “There and then gone. A flash and…”

“I know,” Thor said. “It isn’t fair.” 

“No,” Steve said. “It’s not. It never is. Most things aren’t, and I know that, and I still wish…”

“I know,” Thor said again. His voice was thick, like he might start crying. Steve almost wished he could, but it seemed as though he was all dried up.

_I would stand with you through the end of the world_ , said Loki’s voice in his head, and Steve’s heart wasn’t in his chest anymore, was somewhere off on another planet where Loki was lying dead in a ruined city.

“He deserved better,” Steve said hoarsely. “Than this. Than - being _murdered_ by the monster he feared most. He deserved so much more than that.” _And didn’t I, too?_

“At least he is at peace now,” Thor said, after a long quiet. “In Valhalla.”

_But I want him here,_ Steve wanted to shout. _I want him here, with me._ He stayed quiet. If it helped Thor…

“I know,” Thor said after a moment. “It doesn’t mean much, does it?” 

Mute, Steve shook his head. Thor moved toward him, putting an arm around Steve’s shoulder, and they just sat there together, in silence. 

“Where’s Jane,” Steve asked eventually.

Thor hesitated, then said, “not here. I asked her to leave Wakanda.”

“She agreed?” Steve said, a little surprised.

“I was insistent,” Thor said. “And persuasive. I told her…” His lips twisted, not exactly toward a smile. “I told her that she is no fighter, and I had already lost one of those most dear to me and did not want to bear losing another.”

“Dirty pool,” Steve murmured.

“But not untrue.” 

“No,” Steve said. “And I don’t blame you. I...hope she stays safe.” 

“I hope she does.” They both went quiet. The two of them, Steve thought, too aware that it might not matter how far away Jane was. 

He thought of something. “You don’t have Mjolnir anymore, do you? Hela destroyed it.” 

“Yes,” Thor said. “It is gone.” 

“Are you going to need a new weapon?”

“I wouldn’t, necessarily,” Thor said. He held up his hands and lightning crackled briefly between his fingers; he clenched his fists and it vanished. “Not now that I have harnessed that power for myself. But I will use one, because it will be easier to make Thanos bleed if I wield something with an edge.”

“Do you have something you can use?” 

“Yes,” Thor said. “Some time ago, T’Challa suggested I go to his younger sister with my requirements. I did so, and she delivered admirably. It is not uru, but it is the same metal as your shield, and will serve.”

Steve took a deep breath, and nodded. His eyes fell on the sketch that Thor was still holding in one hand, and just like that the knife was back in his chest, and he hadn’t realized the pain had eased at all until it was fresh. He caught his flinch and squared his jaw. 

He could do this. Stand up, one more time, and win this fight, because he had to. 

And when it was over…

_Face that when you come to it. If you come to it._

_When this is over, you can face living this rest of your life without him._

_A week ago we were happy._ It had taken them years to build that. But it fell apart so fast.

* * *

No matter how long they had, it was never going to be enough time. 

They’d all been waiting, but there was no warning before the sky opened. Steve recognized the look of the portals disgorging ships into the sky: like the one over New York in 2012; or the smaller ones Loki had used as weapons. The Tesseract at work. 

It was an army, and at the front of it a ship that Steve recognized all too well. His stomach clenched and twisted. 

He turned his back on the view and set his jaw, answering the call from Sam.

“It’s go time,” he said, expression grim.

“I know,” Steve said. “I saw. I’m on my way. Is everything ready?”

“As ready as it’s going to get,” Sam said. “That ship in front - I’m guessing that’s his?”

“You guess correctly.” 

“Carol wants to punch it. We’re barely holding her back.”

Steve’s mouth twisted. “Tell her she’ll probably get her chance sooner rather than later.”

“I’ll pass that on. Steve…” Sam paused, and Steve waited, but he just said, “good luck.”

“Bucky’s with you?” Steve said. 

“On his way to you, actually. I told him to just wait, but…”

Almost on cue, Bucky burst through the door without so much as a knock. He glanced toward the window, the mass of ships seen through it.

“Guess you heard they’re here,” he said. Steve picked up his shield and just nodded. Thinking, just for a moment, _you should be here. This was always the fight you were waiting for, and you should be here to win it._

He pushed that thought, and the feeling that came with it, as far down as it would go. “I heard.”

Bucky’s mouth twisted in a smile without much humor. “Back in it, huh? Into the jaws of hell.”

Steve couldn’t smile back. “Sometimes I think we never left.”

Bucky cocked his head a little to the side, then reached out and grabbed Steve’s shoulder, squeezed. “Yeah,” he said. “Maybe not. But at least that means we’re good at it.”

_Hopefully we’re good enough._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, folks. Second to last chapter. Got your seat belt? 
> 
> Thanks again, as always, to the people who've been following along on this wild ride. I'm grateful to each and every one of you. More than 800k later and you're still here? Like, _damn._ I'm impressed. Specific thanks (in addition to my incredible [beta](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), the real unsung hero of this verse) to [Echo](http://loxxxlay.tumblr.com), who gave this chapter a read when I was wrestling it and terrified the whole thing was a mess, and both reassured me that it was not, in fact, unsalvageable and gave me some good advice to make it stronger.
> 
> You know how I mentioned there were two scenes I had written from 2015? Loki's death was one of them. The other one comes at the end of this chapter. No additional content warnings apply, other than I guess one for canon-typical violence.
> 
> Have fun, kids. One more week.

The shield that had kept Wakanda hidden from sight could, apparently, be used as effectively to shield it from attacking spaceships. Given the firepower, T’Challa warned, it wouldn’t hold forever, just long enough to muster a response. And they didn’t want to wait too long, and risk Thanos’s forces targeting somewhere else. 

Steve thought belatedly of the value of having a weapon with an edge, but before he went and asked T’Challa he thought of another option. He didn’t have experience with a sword, but he knew - more or less - how to use a knife. 

It didn’t take him long to find one tucked in the drawer of the bedside table, within easy reach. It was beautiful work. Lighter than it looked like it should be, and Steve didn’t think the metal was ordinary steel. 

When Bucky saw it, his expression flickered. “He give you one too?” he asked. 

Steve blinked, then understood. “No,” he said after a moment. “Left it behind. Loki…”

“Gave me a magic switchblade a while back,” Bucky said. “I figure I’ll do my damnedest to stick it in Thanos’s eye.”

Steve’s throat closed for a moment and he forced it clear to say, “sounds like a good place for it.”

“Doesn’t it just.” 

Now that it’d come to it, Steve was almost itching for it to start. To his relief, the adrenaline was kicking in, burning off some of the fog that had been consuming him. 

He’d always done better when he had a fight to win.

_Or lose. He was powerful before - how much more so now that he has the Tesseract, too?_ Steve shoved those doubts down as hard as he could and followed Bucky outside, where he looked up at the explosions bursting against the shield, and tried not to tense at the number of vessels he could see. They’d known Thanos wouldn’t come on his own. 

His eyes fell on Thor, jaw clenched and hands in fists at his sides like he wanted to attack now. Natasha glanced in his direction and then strode over.

“Steve,” she said. “Any marching orders?” 

They were paying attention to him now. Steve took a breath. _You have this. You can do this._

“Keep your comms on,” Steve said. “And keep in touch. The second that shield goes down - Carol, Thor, take out as many of those ships as you can. The fewer that touch ground, the better. Bruce, one of Thanos’s lieutenants…”

“I heard,” Bruce said. He looked pale, and uncertain, but determined. 

_We can do this. We’re not going to lose. Not here._

Steve jerked his head in a nod. “Other than that...I think you all know what to do. And all of you…” Steve swallowed hard, and kept his voice level when he said, “stay alive. Let’s end this, here and now.”

Another resounding _boom_ from overhead. Steve glanced up, but the shield still seemed to be holding. A little ways away, Steve caught T’Challa’s eye where he was standing next to an unfamiliar man in a suit that looked a lot like T’Challa’s, but with gold accents instead of silver. They looked like they’d just been arguing, but T’Challa tipped his chin and Steve headed over to him.

“T’Challa,” he said. “I expected you to be with your people.”

“I will be,” T’Challa said. “Only settling...a small matter, first.” He glanced, oddly, at his companion, who looked like he was going to say something and only just stopped.

“Shuri?” Steve asked.

“With Okoye,” T’Challa said. “Evacuating as many of our people as possible. She wasn’t happy, but if things go badly here…” He trailed off, but Steve knew what he meant. Wakanda would still need a leader. 

Of course, if things went badly here, it might not matter where Shuri went.

The man next to T’Challa was staring at Steve with naked hostility, but he hadn’t said anything. “I don’t think we’ve met,” Steve said finally. His lip curled slightly.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m His Majesty’s cousin. He’s nice enough to let me out of my cage for the occasion.” T’Challa winced. 

“N’Jadaka…”

“You going to tell me to behave?”

“We’re all on the same side,” T’Challa said. 

“Yeah. Sure.” 

“I need to check in with the others,” Steve said, deciding he’d better back out of this situation, whatever it was. “Good luck, T’Challa.”

“And you, Steve.”

Overhead, Steve thought he saw the shield flicker. His stomach clenched. _Almost time,_ he thought, and focused on projecting a confidence he didn’t entirely feel. They were as ready as they were going to be, and that was going to have to be good enough. 

* * *

After the shields came down, it became clear fairly quickly that Thanos wasn’t joining his army. They were cannon fodder, Steve thought, being thrown at them to weaken them. It was mostly those six-armed creatures, but Steve saw some Chitauri too (he wondered if he should be relieved that they hadn’t actually killed them all). Then there were the things from New York that had been dubbed Leviathans, and other aliens Steve didn’t recognize. 

Were they here willingly, Steve wondered, or conscripted, with no choice but to fight for Thanos or die? 

Bucky stayed close to him at first, but eventually Steve lost him in the crush. Carol was airborne, and Steve saw Thor’s lightning flash down at intervals leaving the smell of ozone and burnt flesh behind. 

He threw his shield at one of the six-armed things rushing him, pulled the Chitauri he was fighting in by its spear, and stabbed it with Loki’s knife before letting go and catching the shield as it came back. As he turned to attack another opponent, something seared into his side, burning through his suit and cutting into skin. He managed to deflect the second shot.

It was Proxima Midnight with her trident, back again.

“Loki’s pet,” she sneered.

“The Black Order is here,” Steve said. “I’ve got eyes on one of them.” 

“All right,” he heard, both in and out of his comm. “Time for a rematch,” and Valkyrie was behind her, swinging her sword for Proxima Midnight’s head. Steve fell back, figuring he might just get in the way, and focused on keeping everything else off Valkyrie’s back while she fought. 

“Does anyone see the other four?” He asked, breaking open the armor of some sort of insectoid alien. The edge of the shield cut into its shoulder and green fluid sprayed out, burning Steve’s hand and forearm like acid. He jerked back with a hiss. 

“Hulk’s on the big one,” said Sam. “Last I saw Wanda, Pietro, and Nat were ganging up on someone with some kind of big bladed spear - that one of them?” 

“Yes,” Steve said. “There’s another one, too - tall, grey skin, telekinetic-” he broke off as some kind of stinger jabbed at him, dodging out of the way. He dropped the shield, grabbed one of the spear-guns from a Chitauri corpse, and used it to shoot the alien attacking him, far enough away to avoid its acid blood hitting him again. 

“Haven’t seen that one,” said Rhodey. “I’ll keep an eye out. Telekinetic, you said?” 

“Telepathic, too,” Steve said, grabbing his shield again and dropping the spear. “If he touches you.” He caught a blast of some kind of energy on his shield, deflecting it off at something running at him. It buckled briefly and then kept coming. 

“Keep my fucking distance, then,” he thought he heard Clint mutter, but he wasn’t sure. 

“Heads up!” Carol yelled. “Space whale coming down-”

Steve felt the ground shake when it hit. He ducked under the wild swipe of the creature attacking him and rammed it with his shoulder, knocking it off balance; before he could finish it an axe sheared through its neck in one blow. Steve had a brief moment to see Thor’s savage-looking smile in his direction before it vanished and he grabbed Steve by the arm, throwing him maybe ten feet. A Leviathan corpse crashed down where he’d been standing a moment before, and Thor vanished underneath it.

“Thor!” Steve said, scrambling to his feet, but he didn’t have time to wait and see if Thor was all right. A group of four Chitauri were closing in on one of the Dora Milaje not far away, and he heard Clint say, strained, “could use an assist over here.” 

“Location,” Bucky said.

“Oh, great, you,” Clint said. Steve shut them out, running to the Dora’s aid, though by the time he reached her she seemed to have it mostly under control, and he kept going. He glanced briefly over his shoulder to see Thor tearing out of the Leviathan carcass, and let out a breath of relief.

“One down, three to go,” Valkyrie’s voice said, crackling over the comms. “The bitch is finished.”

“Natasha, status on Corvus Glaive?” Steve asked.

“I let the twins take him,” she said. “Doubt he’s doing well now.”

“He’s not,” said Pietro, sounding pleased with himself, but Steve could hear in his teammates’ voices that the fight was starting to catch up with them. They were strong, but they were fighting an army. Steve took a shot of some kind of energy weapon in the shoulder and bit back a yell. He found his attacker and charged, taking it down with a blow to the head and finishing it with the knife. He stood up, rolling his shoulder back to check its function, and steadied himself, to find that, for the moment, no one was attacking him.

It was one of those brief pauses, a moment to breathe as their opponents fell back in preparation for another wave. A ripple in the air caught Steve’s eye and he turned toward it as a portal opened.

Thanos stepped out onto the battlefield. He was wearing gold armor, now, holding an enormous double-bladed weapon in one hand. He’d been waiting. Letting the others wear them down, tire them out.

“Oh,” Clint said faintly. “Oh, shit.”

Steve saw it a moment later. The Gauntlet on Thanos’s other hand. When he’d last seen it, there’d been four sockets empty. Now there was only one. 

He thought of Gamora and her companions and his heart sank.

“Vision,” Steve said. “Keep your distance from Thanos as much as you can. Try to focus on dealing with the army.”

“Understood,” Steve thought he heard back, but it was drowned out by Thor’s roar of rage. 

“ _Thanos!_ ” he howled. The comms buzzed like they were going to short out.

There wasn’t time to stand and watch, though. Steve whipped around and bashed one of the attacking creatures in the side of its head, then used the knife to finish it off. He caught Bucky out of the corner of his eye being swarmed and went to help him - or started, only to find his path blocked by Ebony Maw.

“You again,” Steve said.

Ebony Maw didn’t smile. But he seemed amused, and Steve felt rage starting to build. “You know you cannot win,” he said. “Not against the Great Titan.”

“Fuck,” said Val’s voice in his ear. “He just sent Plasma Blasts through a fucking portal and Thor’s being swarmed, someone-”

“Got it,” said Rhodey and Scott at the same time.

“Who’s on Thanos?”

“I _will_ be,” Thor growled. “His head is _mine_ just as soon as-”

Steve shut out their voices. He’d just have to trust his team that they could handle it, for now, while he handled _this._

“You and your company will submit,” Ebony Maw was saying, “and pay the price for your defiance of the inevitable. Just as Loki did.”

Steve’s rage ignited. He thought of Loki, the way he had reacted to this creature, what he’d said, _this time it is not you suffering for your shortcomings_. Thought of the pain, the agony ripping through him as Ebony Maw’s power had invaded his mind. _Move fast. Don’t let him touch you, don’t give him the chance to do it again._

No. He’d expect Steve to keep his distance. Expect him to flinch. Loki had said before that the weakness of many magic users was that they let their physical strength be an afterthought. 

Fingers tightening on Loki’s knife, Steve charged, bulling into Ebony Maw. He caught him by surprise, knocking him down, and Steve raised the shield to bring the edge down on his neck, only for a burst of telekinetic energy to knock him back off. Steve hit the ground on his shoulder, rolled back to his feet, and went for him again, deflecting the missiles thrown at him with one hand until he got close enough to attack with the knife. His shield hit an invisible barrier when he tried to smash it into his face.

The knife didn’t. Steve saw a flash when it hit it, but it still cut through, and if Ebony Maw dodged most of it, it still scored a bloody line into his arm. 

He remembered Bucky saying _gave me a magic switchblade a while back._ Of course Loki would build that into his weapons. 

Steve stayed in close, on the offensive, attack after attack as fast as he could make them. He heard a howl to his left, saw one of the six-armed creatures approaching in his peripheral vision only to be struck by one of the bolts of lightning flashing down from Thor’s storm. 

Ebony Maw didn’t look smug anymore.

A surge of adrenaline flooded Steve’s veins. “Not so much fun when I can fight back, is it,” he said breathlessly. He went after Ebony Maw like this was a back-alley brawl. Steve doubted this guy had been in many of those, and Steve had been in plenty. He hammered against his defenses, and if his knife-work didn’t have much finesse, at least it was getting through. He’d drawn blood more than once. Ebony Maw made a sharp gesture and Steve felt his limbs slowing.

Gritting his teeth, he dropped the shield, lunged, grabbed Ebony Maw, and headbutted him. 

The hold on him broke. The knife was still in Steve’s hand.

Loki kept his knives very, very, sharp. It cut through Ebony Maw’s throat like it was butter, greenish-black blood spraying. For a moment before his eyes went dull, he looked genuinely surprised.

Then, with a rattling gurgle, he crumpled to the ground.

Steve’s shoulders heaved. “For what you did to Loki,” he said to the corpse. “And to me.” He took a slightly wobbly step back, then steadied himself and picked up his shield, taking a deep breath and widening his focus to the rest of the field to figure out his next move. 

It looked like Thor had done well at thinning the horde of Thanos’s monsters. The storm was still raging overhead, flashes of lightning searing from sky to earth, though Steve couldn’t see Thor himself. But they weren’t the only ones whose forces had thinned. 

Steve couldn’t see the Hulk, either, but he also couldn’t see Cull Obsidian. He hoped they were just both out of sight, or that the Hulk had already won and was just - what, taking a breather? Ebony Maw was dead, as was Corvus Glaive. But all around Steve were Wakandan bodies, too. 

Something moved, coming up on his right, and Steve whirled around, catching himself just in time to keep from attacking Bucky. His eyes went from Steve to Ebony Maw’s corpse. 

“Nice,” he said. “That’s the last of them, then. The Hulk and Valkyrie took out the big one. Let’s-”

Then Steve saw Thanos. 

Vision’s limp body was at his feet, the final empty socket on the Gauntlet filled, a terrible smile on his face. Time slowed to a crawl, and seemed to stop. Maybe it did stop; Thanos had the Time Stone. 

“Oh, Death,” Thanos said, “take this offering, to begin.”

He snapped his fingers.

Steve could have sworn he felt it. Like the vibration of an earthquake only the earth didn’t move; a _ripple_ in the substance of the universe itself. Wanda screamed like she’d been shot, the sound stretching. 

Time accelerated again, and around him people started to - crumble. Dissolving into fine gray ash. 

“Steve,” Bucky said, and he turned. There was a moment where Steve could see the look of surprised alarm on his face before he was gone.

Steve’s heart jumped into his throat and he staggered. _No,_ he thought. _No, no, no._ _This can’t - this can’t-_

“Clint!” he heard Wanda cry. “ _Pietro!_ ”

Who else, Steve thought, something in his chest going numb. Who else was gone, how many of his team, how many of Wakanda’s soldiers, or more than that, how far could Thanos reach? He couldn’t see Val, or Rhodey, but maybe they were just out of sight, maybe… 

“Sound off,” he said. “Everyone…”

“What just happened,” said Sam in his ear. “What the _fuck_ just happened-”

“He killed them,” said Natasha’s dull voice. “Wiped them out of existence.”

Thor’s cry was one of sheer, inhuman rage.

Wanda. Sam. Natasha. Thor. Was that _all?_

_You failed. You failed, and this is the end, and you didn’t stop it. Got them killed. Everyone you love is going to die here and it’s your fault._ There was still most of an army around them, though it seemed like at least they hadn’t been spared the culling.

Thor’s roar was deafening. He lunged for Thanos, a sword of lightning rebounding off a shield of purple light. Thanos was laughing, and Steve’s body felt locked in place.

Then something - sparked. Thanos glanced down at the Gauntlet with a frown, and Steve saw a flash of light wind up his arm, coil around his neck, and like a slender green viper strike at his temple. For a moment Thanos’s eyes went black. He lurched back, looking, for the first time, truly surprised.

_Loki,_ Steve thought, and for a wild moment looked for him, expecting to see him appear with a savage smile, _you thought you could kill me-_

He wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t there. Steve had seen him die; whatever had just happened, it was just something he’d left behind. 

Something that gave them an opportunity.

“Now!” Natasha said. “Move, _now!_ ” and Steve knew she was right: they would never have a better chance, and even if - even if they’d been too late to stop him from doing whatever he’d just done, at least they could stop him from doing worse.

And avenge it.

They attacked as one. Propelled by loss and rage, just the five of them hammering with whatever they had left, and they weren’t much but they had to be enough. 

It wasn’t enough.

Thanos spun the enormous double-bladed staff and it slashed down, catching Natasha’s shoulder and slicing deep into her body; he tore it free and the other end cut toward Steve. He caught it on his shield and almost buckled as it bit into the metal. Bending his knees, he shoved upward, hoping to throw him off balance. For a second it worked and Sam swooped in, but Thanos clenched his fist and Sam wavered, choked, water spilling out of his mouth as he drowned in midair. 

Steve screamed, stabbing with Loki’s knife. Thor’s lightning crackled in the air but it kept turning to harmless dancing lights. He’d taken Natasha’s place, though, axe in one hand and lightning in the other. Steve ducked out of the way of another massive blow and cut for one of Thanos’s hamstrings. The glaive cut in but Thanos twisted and backhanded him. He staggered back, just managing to hold his footing. He jumped back out of the way of one of the blade, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Wanda rise. 

He was using the Gauntlet less, Steve realized. Other than fending off Thor’s lightning...and there was something wrong with his left arm. 

“Focus on his left side!” he shouted.

The three of them closed back in. Three. All that was left. Carol might still be alive, somewhere, but she was far away, wherever the portal had sent her.

“Enough!” Thanos roared, and Steve braced himself for the Power Stone, but he couldn’t stop it from throwing him back. His head and ribs cracked against something - tree? rock? - and it took him a couple seconds to rise, coughing.

Steve blinked the blood out of his eyes, his vision clearing just enough to see it happen, before he could stand. He saw Wanda, rising from a crouch. “Yes,” she said. “Enough.” 

She was wreathed in red, with her hair a nimbus around her head and her eyes glowing like embers. Her hands were raised. Thanos’s moved like he was going to raise the Gauntlet, but his arm remained limp, and Wanda’s red magic was forcing him to his knees. Steve saw Thor, dropping his axe, his hands crackling with lightning as he grabbed Thanos’s head with both hands.

Steve saw his mouth move, but couldn’t hear the words through the ringing in his ears. Then a flash of white light and the smell of burnt flesh.

The thunder came on its heels, as Thanos’s body, smoking, fell to the ground. For a moment Steve held his breath, waiting for him to rise again. Hardly believing…

But he didn’t move. In that second where Wanda had managed to hold him, Thor had fried his brain. 

It was done. Thanos was finished.

Wanda was down. Unconscious, or dead? Steve couldn’t tell. Thor straightened, staggered, turned toward Steve. Steve hadn’t realized how much punishment he’d taken. He was covered in blood, and when he was facing Steve he could see the wounds bleeding freely, his eyes glazed, and Steve’s stomach lurched at the wound that slashed down his face, the skull above his eyebrow split open. 

“They are avenged,” he said, voice rough and thick. He took one step away from Thanos, then another, then fell, his eyes still open. Steve’s body was screaming at him. His shoulder was popped out of its socket and his ankle felt broken, as did his ribs. 

It was deathly quiet. 

Thanos was dead. But everyone he’d killed was still gone. 

Steve’s eyes fell on the glove, smeared with dirt and blood but with the Infinity Stones still glittering in it. So much power. Enough power that with a single snap of his fingers Thanos had erased half the people on this field - in the world, in the universe? - from existence. Enough that he’d nearly beaten all of them together. 

If he’d done it...maybe it could be undone by the same power.

Steve dragged himself to his feet. His ankle tried to buckle and he forced himself to stay upright, ignoring the grinding of bone. Forced himself to walk over, drop to his knees, reach for the damned thing and pick it up. It was lighter than he expected. Built for a bigger hand, and Steve took a deep breath. 

Maybe this was the stupidest thing he’d ever done. He was - more than human, sure, but how much more? And this was cosmic power. Not what he was made for. 

But what was the point of being the last man standing if he didn’t try?

He slid the too large glove onto his hand and closed his eyes. _Okay,_ he thought. _Okay. Let’s do this._

For a moment, nothing. Then-

They woke up.

That was the best way Steve could think of to describe it. Six eyes opening and looking at him, and he could feel - not _sentience,_ not exactly, but there was something there more than just - compressed energy. 

_Help me,_ he thought. _Help me fix this._

Power flooded into him. 

There weren’t words. It was fire in his veins; he was a supernova contained by flesh and bone. Pieces fell into place like a puzzle taking shape and he saw what he needed to do. A small fix, really. Like flipping a coin from one side to the other. The universe righting itself, the lives ripped out of it folding back in like they’d never gone.

He was kindling for a bonfire; a conduit for something so much bigger than himself. He could no longer feel any of his injuries - couldn’t feel anything but the searing, overwhelming energy breaking him apart. There were tears leaking down his cheeks, the power roaring through him and he was going to be swept up in it and drowned, and for a moment he thought _okay, fine. It’s over. It’s over, lie down and rest. Your friends-_

_You could bring them_ all _back._

An offer, so soft he almost didn’t hear it over the overwhelming tide, but it was there, and Steve grabbed onto it like an anchor, and held. _The universe is yours to shape. So shape it._

It was like trying to steer a wild horse with a bridle made of string. It wanted to drag him away but Steve held on to that whisper. _Magic is will,_ Loki had said. _Tell the universe what you want. If your will is strong enough, it may happen._

Steve turned toward his fallen friends, trying to see them, to fight past the overwhelming tide and focus. Thor – Thor’s body, the eyepatch ripped off and leaving the scarred ruin of his missing eye uncovered. _I want him back,_ Steve thought, focusing all his strength on that thought, on bending the power he barely held toward that one thing. _Make him live again._

_Please._

For a breathless moment he thought he had failed, or that it was too late, but then he _felt_ reality _bend_ and Thor moved, his fingers twitching, his crushed chest reshaping itself as he inhaled. Steve let out a shuddering gasp and turned. The tears on his face felt hot and he thought there might be blood there, too, trickling from his nose, but he couldn’t taste anything but the metallic flavor of the Infinity Stones. Natasha and Sam were next, and it was easier this time. The magic _wanted_ to be used, and even though the universe fought him, it was stronger. Steve felt like he was being consumed from within but he _felt_ Sam’s heartbeat start, _felt_ Natasha begin to breathe and his heart might be pounding like it was going to burst but he was going to _bring them back._

Wanda. Steve could feel himself shaking with the effort of control, of guiding the Gauntlet to his will instead of letting the Gauntlet claim him for its. His bones had started to ache and his blood felt like it was on fire, and it occurred to him for the first time that he might not make it through this. _So be it,_ he told himself. He wasn’t going to lose this. Wasn’t going to lose them. 

Vision - he couldn’t. Not yet. He still needed the Mind Stone, but after, after he was done he’d give it back and fix that, too.

_Keep going. Tony, too. And everyone who died here, today, on this killing field, fighting a war they shouldn’t have had to fight. Ordinary people defending their home, their planet. Give them back._ More lives blossoming in his awareness. Bright and beautiful and _living._

“Steve,” he heard someone saying, garbled and far away. “What are you doing?” _What I have to,_ Steve thought, but he couldn’t say it - couldn’t do anything but focus on trying to hang on and finish what he’d started. He thought of Gamora and her team, whatever might’ve happened to them, and said _fix that too, if they’re gone, bring them back too._

He wanted to scream, but if he screamed he thought he’d lose control, and he wasn’t done yet. Couldn’t be done yet, there was one more thing, one more impossible, necessary thing-

He staggered to his feet and thought _take me there,_ and when he stepped forward his feet landed on red ground in a ruined city. He took a step, fell, forced himself back up, hanging on by his fingernails. Looking, searching, it couldn’t be far, _where is he, where-_

Steve’s knees buckled and he fell to the ground, but he felt a whisper, a nudge against his thoughts that said _that way._

His mouth was full of blood. He spat it out and turned, shaking and dizzy, his vision doubled strangely, but he zeroed in on the body lying abandoned where he’d fallen.

_Loki._ It wasn’t until he saw him that Steve realized he’d been afraid that he’d be gone. That Thanos would have destroyed his remains, or cast him into space, or...but he was still here. Steve’s hammering heart lurched and staggered, looking at his husband’s body sprawled limply on his back, eyes open and sightless, chest a bloody ruin. 

Steve made his body move, _crawling,_ clambering on rubble until he could wrap his arms around Loki’s body and move him carefully away from the worst of the debris, even clumsier for the Gauntlet on one hand. He laid Loki down and had to stop, half falling to his knees. He could feel his body starting to give. Too much power to contain. 

_I’m not done yet,_ Steve thought, gritting his teeth. He pushed the hair off Loki’s face and imagined pulling Loki back from the dark, willing him to breathe, to _live._ For a moment, he imagined he felt him slip through his fingers – but then Loki made a thin, awful sound, blood welling up fresh even as his broken chest began to heal, bones cracking back together. Steve would have laughed if he didn’t hurt so much. A few drops of blood fell on Loki’s face, from Steve’s nose or his eyes, he wasn’t sure. 

_Don’t stop now._ A whisper at the back of Steve’s mind, or maybe from the Stones themselves. _You can do anything. Everything. Fix everything wrong. Break the world and remake it right. End wars. Take away Bucky’s suffering. Give Loki the peace he deserves, in his life and his mind._ He could. He could do so _much._

_I don’t want to,_ Steve thought. _Not like that._

He fumbled for the Gauntlet and pulled it off, letting it fall.

He swayed, his whole body pounding, throbbing. He felt like he’d been shredded and put back together poorly. He swiped an arm across his face and it came away wet with blood. 

But when he looked down Loki was breathing, his eyes just starting to open. They met his and focused, slowly, foggy and confused. 

“It’s all right,” Steve said, touching his face, wiping away a trail of blood from the corner of his mouth. “Everything’s going to be fine.” Steve’s vision was starting to tunnel and he felt himself start to crumple forward, sound fading out, but he heard Loki’s raspy whisper follow him under.

“ _Steve,_ ” Loki said. That was all. It was enough.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end of all things (okay, this thing specifically). Almost a year of work (or five years, depending on how you look at it), eight weeks posting (and we weren't in a global pandemic at the beginning of this! wow) and now it's...over?? very weird, not sure what to do with that. But here we are. 
> 
> For the curious - I am not done with this verse. I have at least a few ideas of places I'm going from here, though it might be a bit before they show up. But for now...I'm gonna rest on my laurels for a hot minute and leave it here.
> 
> I've been so anxious about this fic. So nervous about how it would go over. So worried about living up to the standard I'd set myself, since this fic _is_ in a lot of ways a culmination of a throughline that's been running through this verse almost since the beginning. The response along the way has been so encouraging, so wonderful, and so heartwarming for me. Thank you for coming along on this ride, thank you for commenting and sending me asks and leaving me kudos and recommending this series to your friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope you feel I managed to stick the landing.
> 
> Writing might be an ostensibly solitary endeavor, but you all make me feel less alone.
> 
> And one last thank you, of course, to the inimitable [Amelia](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), who has been with me since the very beginning of this verse.
> 
> Let's ride.

When Steve had been a kid he’d gotten typhoid fever and nearly died. 

It was the closest he’d gotten, at that point. The doctor his ma had managed to scrape together the money for said he was a lost cause. Steve remembered waking up in the middle of the night and knowing he was dying.

And everything had just...opened up. It was like he was slipping out of his skin, and he expected to turn around and see his ma sleeping next to the bed, see his own body lying there, but it wasn’t like that. There wasn’t any _him_ or _Sarah Rogers_ or _bed,_ just everything, all one, and he was part of the universe and the universe part of him and there wasn’t any difference.

He didn’t die, and the next morning his fever had broken. Steve thought about telling his ma what he’d seen, but she was already crying and he didn’t want to upset her more. And it hadn’t happened again, none of the other times, not even when he’d gone into the ice. 

That was what it was like, though. Steve knew he was dying (was dead?) but he wasn’t afraid. He was bleeding out but it didn’t hurt, because it wasn’t blood but something else, _soul_ maybe, and there were no boundaries or separations, he was in everything and everything was in him, and he remembered dimly someone saying _if you have magic, you can hear the way it sings, the music of the universe._

He thought he could hear it now.

But he didn’t die. 

Gradually, he sank back down, contracting, the vastness of the universe shrinking out of reach, and it seemed like maybe he should be relieved but there was something heartbreaking about it, some aching kind of loss. He was so tired, and he wanted that oneness, the pure freedom of being everything and not himself. 

He slept. 

* * *

For what might have been a while, or might’ve been no time at all, Steve drifted in and out of awareness. Sometimes he could make out voices, people talking around him; sometimes he could almost understand what they were saying. For a long time - or maybe no time at all - he didn’t care that he couldn’t. Eventually, though, he started wanting to know what they were talking about, and shortly after that started wanting to surface from what felt like very deep water. 

When he finally woke up properly, the first thing he was aware of was that he hurt. He couldn’t even pin down one specific _place_ that he hurt in, just a generalized, deep-bruise feeling that seemed to radiate through his whole body. He couldn’t quite remember why. Steve tried prying his eyes open, the lids feeling oddly stuck together, but they opened.

He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t sure exactly where he was, but sitting next to him, eyes closed and mouth set in a small frown, was Loki, fast asleep.

Steve fell very still as the pieces fell back into place like an electric shock. Remembering what had happened. He stared, almost transfixed, watching Loki’s chest rise and fall slowly, the slight motion of his throat as he swallowed. He was alive. Here, sitting here, _alive,_ and the breath caught in Steve’s chest, his eyes suddenly burning. He could barely keep his eyes open and his head was already starting to spin despite the fact that he hadn’t done _anything,_ but the ache of pure relief in Steve’s chest meant he couldn’t really care.

As if Loki somehow sensed Steve’s awareness, he stirred, one of his eyes opening, and then he shot upright, leaning forward. “Steve,” he said, rough-edged but clear, and hot tears spilled out of Steve’s eyes, a gasp exploding out of his chest.

“Thank God,” he said, or meant to say, but his voice didn’t come out as much more than a croak. He blinked, surprised and not a little confused, and Loki’s brow creased with evident worry.

“You’re not fully healed yet,” he said. “You’re still...but you’re awake, that’s good.” Steve couldn’t look away from him. Loki looked exhausted, and too thin, and Steve felt a faint pang of guilt but it was still drowned out by the relief that he was here at all. Loki was here, and Steve was here, and…

“Is this real?” he croaked, suddenly doubting.

“As far as I can tell,” Loki said, and then, maybe at the look on Steve’s face, “yes, it is.”

“Oh,” Steve said weakly. He could feel himself sinking fast and reached out, groping for Loki’s arm and catching his wrist, curling his fingers weakly around it where he could feel his pulse and the flex of living tendons. His skin was cool but not the cold of death, just Loki’s usual temperature.

“Steve,” Loki said, his voice soft, and he heard a brief tremor there though it steadied in his next words. “Rest. I’ll be here.” 

Steve wanted to respond, but he’d already slipped past the point of being able, fading out again. 

* * *

When he woke up again, he hurt a little less. Not a _lot_ less, but still less. He could hear voices murmuring nearby, though this time he could understand them.

“-fine,” said Loki’s voice, and Steve recognized the testy, tight note that meant he was trying to keep his temper. “I’m not leaving.”

“No one’s telling you to _leave._ Just to take a few hours. Sleep, maybe. You said yourself he’s on the mend and just needs rest.” That was Sam, Steve was pretty sure. 

“No.” Loki’s voice was flat and firm.

“I could get Thor to drag you out. He’d do it, too, you know he would.”

“This is where I need to be.” 

“And how do you think Steve’d feel if you collapsed because you’ve been doing nothing but watching him sleep for the past four days?” 

“He’s right.” That sounded like Bucky. “And if he doesn’t call Thor, I will.” 

Steve cleared his throat and said, “they’re both right.” 

They all went silent, and then Loki said again, “I’m not leaving.” Steve opened his eyes and looked at him. Loki’s jaw set. 

“Please,” Steve said. “You look exhausted.” He did. Four days, Steve thought. How long had it been? He couldn’t decide if it felt like longer or shorter. He wondered how much Loki had slept during that time. Or eaten. Studying his face, this time Steve could see a worrying sort of hollowness behind his eyes, though it was mostly drowned out by anxiety and determination. 

“Steve,” Loki began, but Steve shook his head. 

“Just...for me?” 

It was a low blow and he knew it, and by the vaguely betrayed look on Loki’s face so did he. But he exhaled and leaned back and said, grudgingly, “a few hours. If you insist.” He moved to stand, and wobbled; Bucky moved fast and steadied him. 

“Yeah,” he said. “You’re _fine._ ” Loki shot him a weak glare and extracted himself, casting Steve one last long look before he headed for the doorway. He moved stiffly, like he was sore, and for a flash of a second Steve saw him in the moment of his death (back arched, eyes wide, metal erupting from his chest) and blinked it away, his stomach clenching. He wanted to call Loki back, to grab him and press his ear to his chest and listen to his heartbeat and the whoosh of his lungs, suddenly convinced that if Loki walked away now he’d be gone-

He held it in and tried to focus on the here and now, and Sam and Bucky looking at him. Sam sat down, taking Loki’s place.

“Welcome back,” Sam said. “How’s it feel to know you brought half the universe back to life?”

Steve just blinked at him. “So it worked?” he said.

“Yeah,” Sam said. “I mean. He’s here, isn’t he?” He jerked a thumb in Bucky’s direction. “Not to mention your husband. Almost killed you. But you did it.” 

“Then I feel good about it,” Steve mumbled. 

“Glad to hear it. You’re a pretty big fucking deal out there right now.”

Steve blinked. “People...know?” 

“Yeah,” Sam said. “There were lots of folks wanting an explanation.”

Steve wasn’t sure how he felt about that. “Oh,” he said. Then, “and everyone’s...the team…”

“Everyone’s alive,” Sam said. “Tony, Thor...everyone. Well - Vision’s not up yet, but Shuri swears up and down that it’ll be just days until she has him back online, and his memory and everything should be intact. You did good, Steve. You did - fucking incredible.”

“How do you feel?” Bucky asked abruptly. He’d been so quiet it took Steve by surprise. He was visibly restless, like he was struggling to hold still, hand tapping against his leg. Steve frowned at him.

“Not...great,” he said slowly. “Been better.” He tried to smile, but Bucky didn’t return it. 

“Yeah?”

“Nothing...hurts,” he said cautiously. Which didn’t seem right. It felt like it should. He’d felt himself being - _dismantled._ How did you just come back from that in one piece? 

“How’s your left hand?” Bucky asked, voice rough, and Steve squinted at him.

“Feels,” he started to say, and then looked down.

He hadn’t, before. And it was true: it didn’t hurt. It just also...wasn’t there. 

It felt like it still was. And not shooting phantom pains, but like it _should_ be there. Like this was just some trick of his eyes and any minute now…

“Oh,” he said faintly. He caught Sam giving Bucky a glare, but Bucky seemed to ignore it. Steve took a breath in and swallowed.

It was fine, he told himself. Just his hand. That was all. All things considered - all things considered, it really wasn’t that high a price. With everything he’d gotten back…

What was one hand, against that?

Nothing, really.

(He’d lost the wedding ring, too. No left hand to wear it on. Something bubbled up in his throat that felt a little hysterical and he shoved it down.)

“Steve,” Sam said quietly. He shook his head. 

“It’s - it’s fine. Doesn’t hurt. And it’s not like…” He forced out a weak little laugh. “How did I even survive, anyway?”

Sam hesitated for a long moment, then seemed, to Steve’s relief, to let it go and looked pointedly at the door. “One guess,” he said. “Dragged you back from...wherever you went, unconscious and three-quarters dead, and proceeded to lock himself in a room with you for a day, came out only to grab Wanda and drag her in, and twenty four hours later you were stable. Sure, Wanda was barely standing and Loki was passed out on the floor, but…”

Steve felt a little chill down his spine. Two days. Two days putting him back together ( _not all the way - shut up, don’t be ungrateful_ ), and of course Loki had wrecked himself doing it - and Wanda, too, and they were going to have to talk about that but more important was, “how long has it been?” 

Another quick glance exchanged and Steve knew he wasn’t going to like the answer. “Ten days,” Sam said finally. Steve stared at him, and Sam gave him a mostly humorless smile. “Hey, you’re awake now.”

“Yeah,” Steve said weakly. “Guess so.” Though he didn’t think he could stay that way much longer. It must’ve shown on his face, because Bucky frowned at him.

“If you gotta sleep more, sleep,” he said. “Don’t stay up on our account.” He shot Sam a look like it was his fault. Steve nodded weakly. 

“Tell Loki…” He couldn’t think of what he meant to say, though, and he didn’t hear any response. 

* * *

Loki was there the next time Steve was conscious, and almost every time after that as Steve crawled his way up to the point where he could actually get out of bed and walk a few steps before he felt like his legs were going to give out. 

Real milestone, there, he thought wryly, and maybe a little bitterly, before he reminded himself that he was lucky to be alive at all.

They didn’t talk about his hand. Nobody seemed to want to, and Steve didn’t really want to either. He didn’t know what there was to say. At some point he’d probably want to figure out a prosthesis, or...but right now it was just...what it was. 

And it wasn’t that big a deal. Not in the scheme of things. Not when...

His other friends came in and out. Steve could see the wear on all of them, even if they tried not to show it. The people who had been snapped out of existence didn’t have any physical marks on them, but that didn’t mean much about their heads, and the others, the ones Thanos had actually killed…

Thor was quieter, more subdued, than Steve had ever seen him. He smiled, and laughed, but there was a shadow lurking underneath that was new. Tony hadn’t done more than stop by briefly, but he’d been even more restless than usual, talking too fast, and maybe that was just discomfort being around Steve at all - he certainly left fast enough - but it struck Steve as something else. Wanda, Sam, Natasha...all of them didn’t seem to want Steve to know, but they carried their deaths, now. A fresh wound. Or at least a fresh scar, and Steve thought of his memories of the ice and he knew it would never really go away.

And Loki...he hid it well, but he wasn’t sleeping, or if he was, not much or well. And there was that same shadow Steve saw in Thor, and a sense somehow of...fragility. Uncertainty. But Steve didn’t know how to bring it up, not when thinking too much about _why_ Loki was like this brought on a gut-churning panic that Loki wasn’t there at all, or that he was going to vanish, or die again, and this time there’d be no miracle to bring him back.

When he got the chance Steve checked the news, and if his desperate wish ( _set it right, he broke the universe, help me mend it_ ) seemed to have been granted, _somehow..._ it was still a mess out there. _Can’t snap your fingers and fix everything,_ he thought, and wanted to laugh, except it wasn’t really that funny.

And of course, he had one fewer set of fingers to snap.

Loki caught him sitting on the edge of his sickbed and staring at the place where his wrist ended. It was clean, at least. Of course it was. Wakanda had the best medical care on the planet.

“Steve,” Loki said quietly. He looked up. 

“You didn’t say anything,” he said. “Haven’t - said anything.”

Loki’s jaw shifted slightly. “It did not seem as though you would thank me.”

Steve took a breath in, his stomach knotting. “Yeah, well. Maybe not, but I don’t - it’s like everyone’s trying to pretend that it didn’t happen. That I still have two hands.”

Loki paused, then sat down, slowly. “I am sorry,” he said. “I tried, but I couldn’t...I could save the rest of you. But not…”

Steve took a sharp breath in. “I’m not-” He paused, to assess the truth of what he was saying. “I’m not blaming you. But I don’t want you to treat me like nothing’s changed.”

Loki folded his hands together. “Nothing has.”

Steve stared at him, then exploded. “What do you mean, _nothing has?_ Of course it has! Do you think I’m just going to - grow it back? That’s not how it happens, not for us humans. It’s gone forever, and I’m-” he cut off before he could say any of the ugly words that flashed into his head. The things he’d been thinking, and not saying, underneath all of his telling himself it was fine, it didn’t matter, _it was fine-_

“You think this makes you less,” Loki said. Steve’s face felt hot.

“No,” he said. _Liar._

“James lost his arm,” Loki said. “Thor lost his eye. Are you so much less than them, that you are diminished but they are not? Or is it that you should be more?” HIs voice was quiet, but Steve still felt like he was going to flinch.

“That’s not it,” he protested. 

“Isn’t it?” Loki cocked his head to the side. “Others are permitted their flaws. Their errors. Their imperfections. But you...you have to be perfect.”

Steve swallowed hard. “You make me sound like an arrogant ass.” 

“Is it arrogance?” Loki asked. “Or is it a fear that you will never be good enough?” 

Steve rocked back a little. What he thought of, suddenly, was Phillips: _you are not enough._ Was Zola, _your death amounts to the same as your life, a zero sum_. Was watching Bucky fall, watching Loki die, and knowing he’d _failed._

“Steve,” Loki said quietly.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’m better than anyone,” he said. 

“You just think you should be.” 

Steve shook his head. “I think I should be…” He moved to press his hands into his eyes but of course there was only the one, and he let both his arms fall. “I think I should be grateful. And I _am._ But I’m also…”

“It is a loss,” Loki said. “But not...a diminishment.” 

Steve looked away, swallowing hard. “Less a loss than others.” 

Loki drew closer, not quite hovering. “I wasn’t aware that it was a competition.”

Steve took a deep breath. “Who am I,” he said, “if I can’t fight?” 

“Who said you can’t?” Loki’s smile was crooked, not quite touching his eyes. “And even if you couldn’t...is that all you are worth?” 

Steve’s shoulders slumped. “I don’t know anything else.” 

“You could,” Loki said. “If you wanted.” 

Steve started to reach out toward Loki, suddenly needing to hold him, but Loki drew away. It was a slight motion, but it was enough, and it was like someone had stuck a knife in his gut and twisted. His eyes burned and he swallowed hard.

“What about you,” he said. 

Loki’s expression didn’t change. “What about me?” 

Steve shook his head. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Loki asked, and before Steve could really work up much frustration, looked askance and said, “I am - fine. Better off than you.”

“I wasn’t aware it was a competition,” Steve echoed. Loki gave him a dirty look that was almost a relief to see. 

“I am alive,” Loki said, and Steve kept himself from flinching. “Tired,” Loki went on. “But...all things considered, I truly am fine.” 

_Liar,_ Steve thought. _Don’t lie to me, not now, not when you just pulled away from me, not when I can see it in you, why won’t you let me in,_ but the ever-present exhaustion was catching up with him again, and he just...couldn’t. Not right now.

“Okay,” he said. “If there’s anything...you’d tell me, right?” 

“If there were anything you could help with,” Loki said, “I would tell you.” 

_That’s not what I asked,_ Steve thought, but he was too tired to fight Loki right now. Later, he told himself. Later, when he was stronger.

And he would get stronger. Back on his feet. Work his way back to where he’d been before-

_What if you don’t?_

_Is that all you are worth?_

He’d thought about it, hadn’t he? Setting all this down. Stepping out of the game. Finding some quiet corner where he could stop fighting and _live_ without the war he’d been fighting in one form or another since 1943. 

Steve looked down at his missing hand. Shuri could make a prosthesis as good as a real one. Maybe better, in some ways. She’d done it for Bucky. He’d probably just have to ask.

_What if you didn’t?_

Steve laid back and closed his eyes, thinking about second chances. 

* * *

Loki kept dodging his questions. And he was damn good at it. 

It didn’t help that more often than not Steve felt like he was barely keeping it together himself. He _was_ getting stronger, though. And Loki must’ve said something, because people weren’t pretending not to notice that he only had one hand anymore. 

Thor told him he was in good company; that there were at least three legendary heroes of Asgardian lore who had lost hands. 

“Maybe you’ll be the fourth,” he said. Steve couldn’t help but make a bit of a face.

“I’m not exactly ‘of Asgard.’”

“Near enough,” Thor said, with a finality that suggested he might already be sketching the outlines of a legend in his head. 

“As long as you don’t leave out all the other legendary heroes,” he said. Thor gave him a quick smile, and if it was dimmed from his usual, it looked a little stronger than it had. 

“Assuredly,” he said. “It is a pity we haven’t a skald present to begin the composition. Though Loki is a fair hand at it. Perhaps…” He trailed off, and Steve cleared his throat.

“Speaking of Loki,” he said. Thor sighed. 

“If you are going to ask me about his state of mind,” he said, “I have little to offer you. He won’t tell me his thoughts, and when I ask, he evades.” 

Steve made a bit of a face. “At least it’s not just me.” 

“No,” Thor said. “I’d say not.” 

“He’s just been…” _Strange. Distant._ That wasn’t right, though. He stayed close, was with Steve more often than not, but there was something off. A strangeness. A caution that was new. His lips twisted. “I thought we’d gotten better at this. That he had.” 

“Maybe he thinks he is sparing you,” Thor said. 

“I don’t need to be ‘spared,’” Steve said hotly. “And I don’t _want_ to be. Something’s wrong and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. Something’s wrong and he won’t _tell_ me.”

“Who won’t,” said Loki, and Steve twisted around. Loki’s expression was hard to read, though he didn’t exactly look pleased. 

Thor glanced back and forth between them and said, “I’ll speak with you later, Steve.” 

When he’d gone, Steve locked his eyes on Loki and said, “yes, we were talking about you.”

Loki’s expression flickered. “What do you think I am not telling you?” 

_“Anything,_ ” Steve said. “Anything about what’s going on in your head, how you’re feeling, why you’re acting-”

“Acting what,” Loki said. Steve shook his head.

“I don’t _know._ Not like - yourself. And I know, I _know_ that there’s so many reasons for that but I wish you’d just... _talk._ ”

Loki’s jaw tightened and then relaxed. “What do you want me to say?” 

“What do _you_ want to say?” Steve asked, frustration breaking through. “And don’t say _nothing._ I’m not an idiot, and I know you. I know when something’s wrong-”

“Of _course_ something is wrong,” Loki said, and then rocked back on his heels, mouth spasming. 

“So tell me,” Steve said, not quite a plea.

Loki stared at him for several long moments before he walked over and sat down, holding himself stiffly.

“I am not angry,” he said. Steve eyed him.

“That’s usually what people say when they’re angry.”

“I am not,” Loki said more firmly. “But I am…” He paused, and took a shallow breath. “I look at you here, living, and I cannot stop thinking _what is the catch?_ ”

Steve kept his mouth shut, waiting. Listening.

“I thought you were going to die,” Loki said, his voice hushed and strained. “I - opened my eyes and you were there, but - ravaged, your body coming apart at the seams for channeling the power you did, your will stronger than your flesh. I had to - not just heal you but _hold you together,_ and I was far from certain that I could, that you hadn’t already gone too far, burned up too much of yourself already for me to call you back long enough for your spirit to knit itself together. Even _if_ your body could mend. Even borrowing Wanda’s power-” he cut off, his expression stricken.

“You’re alive now,” he said, “but a part of me keeps thinking that...you could have perished. You would have done it - sacrificed yourself. And I would not have thanked you for bringing me back only to watch you die.” 

Steve’s jaw worked. “You think I don’t know how that feels? You _did_ die,” he said, and his voice didn’t just sound raw but felt it. “I watched it happen, and there was nothing I could do about it. If there was any chance of bringing you back I had to _try -_ and I doubt it would have made a difference in how bad it would have been for me. Maybe it’d have been worse without you there to help me. If you want me to apologize-”

“I don’t,” Loki interrupted. “I _don’t._ I only…” He made a small noise. “I am so tired of watching you bleed.”

Steve let out a ragged laugh. “I know the feeling.”

Loki’s smile was crooked and unhappy. “I suppose you would. We are a pair, aren’t we?” 

“It’s not all our fault,” Steve said. Loki hummed and looked down at his hands, twisting together.

“I have wondered about that, sometimes. I know you do not believe in fate, but...do you never feel cursed?”

“No,” Steve said after a moment. “Right now, if anything...I think we’re unbelievably, incredibly, lucky.”

“Hmm,” Loki said, but if he disagreed, he didn’t say it aloud. He didn’t look up from his hands.

A thought floated into Steve’s mind - something that had been nagging at him for a while. “You did something,” Steve said slowly. “To the Tesseract. Didn’t you? That’s what happened. What weakened Thanos just long enough for us to…”

Loki looked away. “Yes,” he said. “I set in a...fail-safe.” 

Steve bit the inside of his cheek. “When?” 

There was a brief hesitation like Loki was thinking about lying. “Before we went to find the Collector,” he said. “The terms were...relatively simple, and the Tesseract and I are...were...familiar. It allowed me to bind a small working to it readily enough. One that would only trigger under specific circumstances, and was simple enough to be unnoticeable against the Tesseract’s stronger power.”

“What circumstances,” Steve said. Loki sighed through his nose. 

“If-then,” he said. “I set it so that - if someone killed me, and then used the Stone, then there would be a backlash. I wasn’t entirely certain it would work - I stored a portion of my magic to power it, but even tethered to the Stone I wasn’t certain it would remain if…

“But _if_ I failed and _if_ he managed to take the Tesseract from me...I wanted to have another way to hurt him.”

 _You were planning for it,_ Steve wanted to say. _You were making plans for if you died, even then, even when you were telling me you didn’t want to die,_ and he knew that wasn’t fair, that it didn’t mean Loki had _wanted_ it to happen, just that he’d known it might. It still hurt.

“You didn’t tell me any of this.” 

“No,” Loki said. “I didn’t. I didn’t want…” He paused, and then said, “I had a shield, if he or Ebony Maw tried to read my thoughts. I wasn’t certain how sound of one, but it was something. You...are resilient. But I couldn’t be certain that if you knew, and we did cross paths with one or the other…”

That they wouldn’t have been able to get the knowledge out of his head. And nothing would have ended differently, ultimately, except that Steve probably wouldn’t have gotten away either. 

“I understand,” he said, made himself say. “And...on the ship, did you…”

“Did I plan that? No.” Loki let out a stuttering laugh. “That was...desperate improvisation. And I am - Norns, Steve, I am _sorry._ What I did to you…”

“It’s okay,” Steve said, though his mouth went dry. Loki’s lips twisted.

“No,” he said. “It isn’t. I know…” he took a breath. “I know how it feels. And I saw you, your face, and the way you…” He trailed off, and Steve realized with a sudden jolt that Loki hadn’t touched him since he’d woken. Not once. Steve had, briefly, when he’d first surfaced from unconsciousness, but not after.

“Loki,” Steve said, his voice rough, “I’m not afraid of you.”

By the way Loki’s head whipped around to stare at him, wide-eyed, Steve thought he’d hit directly on what Loki had been thinking. And it was true, too; his stomach still squirmed, thinking about it, but he knew Loki wouldn’t have done it of his own will, and wouldn’t do it again. 

Something eased slowly in Loki’s face, his shoulders slumping. “Oh,” he said quietly. And then smiled, though it looked pained. “I’m...thank you. For saying so.” 

“I mean it,” Steve said. “And I’m not...going to break, if you touch me.”

Loki shuddered and made a small noise in the back of his throat. “Are you sure?” he asked. 

“Very,” Steve said, and maybe his voice wasn’t the steadiest either, but he didn’t think it needed to be.

Loki’s eyes closed for a moment and then he moved, almost too quick to see before his arms were wrapped around Steve, his face pressed into his neck, and Steve could feel the rapid beat of his heart as Loki held him like he never wanted to let go. 

Steve melted into it, into him, and he couldn’t blame Loki: he didn’t want to either.

He raised his hand and dug his fingers into Loki’s shoulders, holding on. 

“I’m going to need a new wedding ring,” he said, after a while, when Loki’s shoulders stopped shaking and Steve thought he could talk again without his voice breaking. Loki made a rough sound, not really a laugh.

“No, you don’t,” he said. “I have it.”

“Oh,” Steve said. Feeling a little silly. Of course Loki wouldn’t have just let it get lost. “You didn’t...give it back.” 

“No,” Loki said after a moment. “I suppose I was...waiting.” 

“For what?” Steve asked, voice rough, because he felt like he needed to.

“Apparently,” Loki said, “for you to say that.” 

Steve’s chest ached again. “You really doubted me that much?” 

Loki was quiet for several moments before he said, “I was afraid.” 

Steve swallowed hard. “Are you still?” 

“No,” Loki said after a very brief pause. “Not anymore.” 

* * *

The first night they shared a bed, Steve woke up to Loki screaming. 

Screaming like he hadn’t for a while, like he was being torn apart. For a moment Steve’s thoughts went blank with panic, his heart kicking up into high gear. Then he caught himself and realized what was happening, what he was hearing, and rolled over, pushing himself up.

“Loki!” he said loudly, starting to reach out to shake him before deciding against it in case Loki lashed out. He didn’t, though, just sucked in a loud breath, his eyes snapping open, wide and terrified as his hands flew to his chest, clutching for something that wasn’t there. He stared at Steve, blank and uncomprehending, and just as Steve’s stomach swooped, he blinked and focused. 

“Steve?” he said, voice rough and unsteady. 

Steve’s heart was still racing. “You’re okay,” he said, which wasn’t really true, but he said it anyway. It was what he had. 

“It hurts,” Loki said, his fingers still curling like he was trying to pull something out of his chest. “I can, I can _feel-_ ” Steve’s heart jumped into his throat and he pulled one of Loki’s hands away (tried to pull both, missed with the hand that wasn’t there), trying to see, but though Loki’s chest heaved, there was not even so much as a scar. 

“What,” Steve said urgently, tongue tripping over the words. “What, what hurts, do I need to-”

Loki took a deep, shuddering breath, tendons moving under Steve’s fingers as his fist closed and then opened. “No,” he said breathlessly. “No, it’s...it’s gone. I was only…”

Reliving the moment of his death, Steve thought, and his stomach turned over. _Yeah, me too,_ a wry part of him thought. _One more for the repertoire._ Mostly he just ached, deep in his core. He released Loki’s wrist slowly and his arms fell to his sides.

“I’ve never died before,” Loki murmured, only just audible. “Come so close, but never...and yet I thought I knew what it would be like.” 

Steve’s throat closed, and all he could say was, “yeah?” like an idiot.

“When I was young I believed in the afterlife as it was in stories,” Loki said, his voice unsteady. “The worthy dead and those who fell in battle to Valhalla, and Hel for the rest.” Steve stayed quiet. “Then there was the Void and I thought... _no, this is what death is. Endless nothing. Oblivion, for eternity._ Just the dark, and the cold.” He swallowed, eyes fixed forward, and Steve wanted to reach out but he was afraid to interrupt. 

“It wasn’t like that,” Loki said after a long pause. “It wasn’t...I can’t remember. Not clearly. There’s nothing - no _memory,_ only - only the feeling of being lost, and alone, and afraid-” He cut off with a shuddering breath, his spine curving so he was bent forwards, hair hiding his face. Steve’s heart squeezed in his chest, fear shivering through him.

“You’re not alone now,” he said hoarsely. Loki twisted toward him and clutched at Steve, his breathing unsteady, uneven. 

“I know,” he said. “But I keep _dreaming..._ it’s as though a part of me still thinks - as though death is pulling at me, trying to drag me back, like a part of me is still there and my body and soul don’t quite fit together.”

Steve sucked in a breath. He wondered if that was what everyone was feeling, all of them suffering in silence. And what did that _mean,_ did it- “do you think that’s - _is_ there something-”

Loki shook his head. “I don’t know. I have never heard of anyone being resurrected before, but I haven’t heard about anyone using the Infinity Stones to do so, either, and they have...their own rules. I feel alive. It’s only when I sleep that I...don’t.” He let out a ragged sounding laugh. “Too close, maybe. I asked...the Princess. She couldn’t find anything wrong with me, or the others. Like as not it is only in my head.” 

He sounded exhausted. Steve shifted. “Always, when you sleep?” he said. “Since…”

Loki shrugged one shoulder. “Not always. And it isn’t as though I’m not used to nightmares.” He slumped a little toward Steve so their shoulders were pressed together. “I am sorry to have woken you.”

Steve shook his head, a lump swelling in his throat. “You don’t need to apologize for that.” 

“It’ll probably get better,” Loki said after another long quiet. “They usually do. Memory blurs. The edges don’t cut quite so deep.”

Steve made himself nod. “Can’t happen fast enough, can it,” he said. He still caught himself needing to check, to confirm his friends were alive; his heartbeat still picked up with anxiety when Loki was out of sight. But it would get better. It _would._

Time didn’t - couldn’t - heal all wounds. But at least it could scab them over. 

Loki let out a long, slow sigh, leaning his head against Steve’s shoulder. His eyes had closed again, and Steve put an arm around his shoulders. 

“I remember you,” Loki said. “I remember seeing you, in the moments before...you were there, so close, and I wished I’d told you I loved you one more time, so you would know. I’m saying it now.” 

Steve’s chest ached and his eyes burned. “I love you, too,” he said. Loki made a quiet noise.

“I do not think,” he said, “I will ever get tired of hearing you say that.” 

Loki’s breathing slid back into the steady rhythm of sleep. Steve stayed where he was even as his arm started to go numb, looking sightlessly into the dark with tears rolling down his face.

* * *

They moved back home.

It felt a little strange to call their old apartment that, but Steve thought it might be the closest either he or Loki had to a home, at least recently. And while there hadn’t been any _official_ announcement, exactly, it was Steve’s understanding that it had been made clear no action was going to be taken against the formerly fugitive Avengers.

It wasn’t exactly what Steve wanted - he would’ve appreciated a more public apology - but it was at least a start, and it let them stop taking advantage of T’Challa’s long hospitality.

“It’s still there?” Steve had said, when Natasha had floated the idea about him and Loki going back. “I don’t think we’ve been paying rent.” She’d raised her eyebrows.

“Last I checked it was,” she said. “And as far as I can tell, no one was going to get in there that Loki didn’t want to. I had a hard time even _finding_ it and I knew where to look. I doubt that’ll have changed.”

“It’s possible it might have,” Loki said, frowning, when Steve asked. “That sort of working typically unravels when...when the caster dies.” 

Steve’s throat closed briefly and he swallowed to clear it. “Right,” he said. “We should probably...find out if we’re going to be trying to move into an occupied apartment, first.” 

When he mentioned it to Tony, though, he waved a hand, looking a little embarrassed. “I, uh. Might’ve bought the building. I couldn’t get the lease, obviously, but…”

Steve felt his lips twist a little toward a smile. “Thanks,” he said.

“Don’t mention it,” Tony said. “No, seriously, don’t. It’s fine. Just...well, let me know if you’re moving back in and I’ll send a housewarming gift. Unless you think your husband’ll throw it out the window on principle. Maybe I should just pretend it’s from Barnes - Bucky. Someone he actually likes.” 

“Up to you,” Steve said. “See you, Tony.” 

He hung up. He was trying, anyway, Steve thought. That counted for something. Maybe a lot. 

So they packed up what little stuff they’d accumulated (books, the kintsugi vase, Vali) and Loki took them directly there. It smelled a little musty, and there was a layer of dust on everything. But it surprised Steve how good it still felt to be there. 

“I wonder if Romanoff washed the sheets,” Loki said, positioning the vase safely out of cat reach. He studied the floor critically and said, “she must have cleaned the floors. No blood stains.” 

It took Steve a minute to remember the last time they’d been here, and then he winced. “Yeah,” he said. “Good thing.” Loki glanced at him, then walked back over and kissed his cheek lightly. 

“Let me make sure everything’s in the right place,” he said, and walked deeper into the apartment. Steve set down Vali’s crate and let him out; he slunk slowly out and began making cautious rounds of the rooms, much as Loki was.

Steve walked over to the couch and sat down. He was still weak. Tired easily.

He wondered what came next, after this. He didn’t think he could fight yet. He’d want to ask Shuri about a new hand, eventually. But he didn’t think he could yet. Not right now. 

Right now, he thought he needed to take a break. Set the shield down, at least for a little while. Maybe he’d never pick it up again. He hadn’t told Loki that, but he doubted he’d object. And what came next for Loki…

Steve didn’t know that, either. He still wanted there to be a way to bring Loki forward out of the shadows. But of course, he was still technically breaking the law himself; probably not the best time to start trying to rehabilitate Loki’s image. 

If Loki would even agree to it, which he wouldn’t. Maybe that was the next step: convincing Loki he shouldn’t, didn’t, need to keep hiding. 

Tall order. 

Loki reemerged from the bedroom holding Vali, and stopped, a worry line appearing on his forehead. “Are you all right?” 

“Fine,” Steve said with a faint smile. “Just tired.” Loki’s frown deepened and Steve said, “no, really. That’s why I’m sitting down.” He patted the arm of the couch. “It’s okay, Loki. I’m fine.” 

Loki exhaled slowly, but he seemed to decide to accept it and just walked over. He deposited Vali on Steve’s lap and sat down next to him. Vali turned in a slow circle and then settled down, beginning to knead at Steve’s leg. 

“How does it feel?” Steve asked. “Being back here?” 

“Strange,” Loki said after several moments of quiet. “It feels as though...so much has changed since we fled. But it’s…” He cocked his head a little to the side. “I’ve never really had a place wholly my own, I don’t think. Other than this. There was my suite on Asgard, but even that…” He took a deep breath. “And this city is yours - I’m glad that you can return to it. We were happy here. I think...I would like to think we can be again. ”

Steve’s eyes stung, but he tried to hold his smile. “I’d say it seems possible.” 

Loki turned his head slightly, something soft and fragile in his eyes. “Ah, Steve,” he said. Steve frowned. 

“What?” 

“Nothing,” Loki said. “I am just...very fortunate to have you.”

Steve’s face and chest warmed. “Could say the same thing to you,” he mumbled, and Loki let out a faint and soundless laugh. They were both quiet for a while.

“I was thinking,” Steve said, “maybe tonight we rent a movie, get some takeout, and just...relax. What do you think?” 

Loki hummed. “I don’t think I would like anything better.”

* * *

There was a soft rain tapping against the windows, and Vali was a warm lump on Steve’s lap. Loki’s shoulder pressed up against his. He was only half paying attention to the movie - some moody drama chosen almost at random. He was thinking more about death and near misses that weren’t misses at all. 

“The whole time I’ve known you,” Steve said suddenly, “you’ve been living under a shadow, haven’t you? His shadow. Even when I didn’t know it was there, it was there. And now it’s gone. Or at least...the source is.” 

Loki glanced at him sideways. “I suppose,” he said at length. “I hadn’t…” He made a sound, not really a laugh. “I do not know that I’ve absorbed that, yet.”

“I didn’t say you had,” Steve said. “Or that you needed to. Just that...it’s something, isn’t it?” 

“Yes,” Loki said after a long silence. “It is something.” His voice was strange. Uncertain, and a little unsteady. They were both that. 

Steve didn’t know that he’d absorbed it, either. That it was over. He didn’t know how much things had changed, or would change, going forward. Didn’t know what he’d do next. Though now that he’d thought about it...it did feel like he’d been fighting one war or another for a long time, just with breaths in between sometimes. What happened if he stopped? Not just for now, but...for good?

_You don’t have to decide right now. Right now..._

Maybe it should wait. Maybe he should wait until they were both a little more healed, a little less raw.

But maybe there’d never be a better time than this. Maybe this was when they needed it most. 

“You know what,” Steve said, “it’s time for our goddamn honeymoon.”


End file.
